A Bad Day...

We all have bad days. This one tops my list...

I was 11 and I was naive.  It was summertime in Kentucky, and our babysitter was the public pool during the day.  We would go to the pool around 10am and stay until our parents came home from work. We had rules that our parents placed to protect us, but we were 11 and 14. We knew "so much more than our parents", as I'm sure all teenagers, or at least the honest ones would agree.  I have to admit, my life was pretty good.  It was the summer before Middle school, after 5th grade and before 6th.  I think we had lived in this town for about a year. 

One of our house rules was we were to never have boys over. Not without my parents' permission and them being home.  So, one of those bright summer days, my sister and I decided we were smarter than our parents and that the rules shouldn't apply to "good" kids like us.  I mean, we hadn't smoked or drank or been involved in drugs like some of the people our age.  We invited some of our pool friends, who happened to be guys, home with us.  They were older than us and we thought we knew them pretty well.  My sister invited one while I went over and invited the other, "Wanna come over to our house for lunch today?  We're gonna have pizza..." One of them said yes right away, "Sure, why not?"...the other hesitated.  "I don't need to do that, I will get in trouble."  I said, "no, its okay- our parents won't be home until after 5, we are only getting pizza and then coming back to the pool, we can cool off and chill out for a few minutes, then we are coming right back..." It took me a minute to convince him to come, even though he insisted he not.  He was serious- I thought he was exaggerating. 

Soon, I would find out he wasn't. 

I finally convinced him to come with us and we all walked home to our house.  Being the friendly kid I always was, and still proud of painting, I wanted to show them the Lion King Mural I had painted on my wall.  It took up the entire wall and was truly a great painting for an 11 year old looking back at it now. 

STOP....if I could re-do this part- I would have stayed at the pool that day.  Just to let you know when the decision was NOT going in the right direction. 

The next hour of my life changed the rest of it.  I was raped by my "friend" who thought he would get in trouble, and THIS VERY THING is WHY he thought he would get in trouble.  He knew himself more than I did, and I was too naive to listen.  I wasn't his first victim, nor would I be his last. 

Him and I were alone in my room and my sister and our other friend were eating the pizza we were to have for lunch.  While he was raping me, he told me he loved me.  At that point, I never wanted to be loved again.  No matter who loved me!

My sister came and got me in the room a while later.  I remember I was crying and there was blood all over the bed that I was trying to hide because while I didn't really know what just happened, I knew it wasn't good.  It physically hurt, emotionally hurt, and although I didn't know it yet, spiritually hurt too.  Before he left, he asked, "You know how to clean out right?"  uhhhh...."Yeah," was my only response.  I mean, did he really think I had been in this situation before?  I was only 11!  I would have said anything to get him out of my house.  I would've said I knew how to build the Eiffel Tower if thats what it took!

 I was threatened by 3 of his friends that I would be killed if I ever mentioned this to anyone.  So I didn't.  My sister, however, didn't know about the threats.  So, doing the thing any big sister would do, and should do- she told my mom that day as soon as she walked in the door.  She said, "Mom, Misty had sex today." I'm sure she didn't know half of what happened, but I don't blame her for telling.  She told what she thought she knew- she herself was only 14! She just knew something bad had happened and bad things should be told.  My mom asked, "Misty, is this true? Did you have sex today?"  The only response I could think of, knowing I couldn't hide it, was "yeah".  My home life would never be the same. 

My mom immediately, I think the next day, took me to my first gynecological exam.  I'm sure every girls' first visit here isn't just a party, but under these circumstances, it was even worse.  Everyone thought I had sex willingly and I was scared to death to say anything differenly.  So I didn't. 

I was basically treated like a problem child that was way too young to be on this path.  The doctor was thankfully a woman and I could tell by the way her demeaning eyes looked at me, she wasn't too proud of why I was there.  I was told AIDS could take years to show up, and that it was too soon to really tell much else, but that I was okay that day.  She was trying to scare me out of "doing this again".  I got the speech on sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, death, you name it.  They asked my mom if she wanted me on birth control pills at 11, right in front of me, and I think because of my epilepsy, they decided against it.  I'm actaully not sure.  But I left there with my first feeling of guilt. 

I found out shortly after that I had conceived during the rape and my body naturally miscarried.  I can't imagine having a child right now that would be 19 and me be 30! I also don't want to imagine what other grief I would have had the choice of enduring had I not miscarried. 

I went to my grandmothers 4 hours away to stay for a while so my mom could tell my dad and him not go crazy. He had never gone crazy before, but his daughter had not had sex before either. Life after all that was different at home!  I HATED IT!  I was someone I wasn't- I felt like a tramp.  Like everyone looked at me and saw something that wasn't real.  No one knew the truth and no one knew my heart.  I cried myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT.  I never spoke of it again.  Not for 9 years.  Every time we were out and my dad would see a young pregnant girl, I would hear, "that could be you, Misty"...."yep" was always my response.  In my head, I was living a lie.  To my parents and everyone who thought they knew, I was living a pleasureful life in the wrong direction- and I needed to slow down. 

The rest of the summer was hard, but I didn't see them at the pool much.  It wouldn't be long before 6th grade would start...and so would the reputation. 

Looking back on all these feelings, and now knowing God personally as my LORD AND SAVIOR, I understand on a much smaller scale the pain He must have went through talking ALL of OUR sin, none of His own, and carrying it to the cross.  We all looked at Him as guilty and only Him and God knew the depth of the truth and the purpose for His pain.  God took the innocent and made Him guilty in the world's eyes- ultimately to save the very world who killed Him. 

I do believe God took the innocent (me) and made me appear guilty to the world for a short time in order to bring Him Glory in the end.  He knew the purpose of the pain, and still knows more about the depth of His plan than I can ever imagine. 

I will say one thing, and this will prove itself throughout the next posts, but God's promise is true in His Word, "He will never leave us nor forsake us". (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)  I was not a believer when all of this was happening, and I had no where to turn, no one to talk to, and certainly no one to hear my cries. 

I was alone and I was dead in my soul.  I was like the walking dead.  My body functioned normally and I appeared to be an unruly teenager, but inside- I was broken, torn, battered, beat down, ugly, worthless, and wanted no one to love me.  I would have just assumed died in my sleep because I knew (or felt) like no one cared about the truth. The truth is- had anyone known it, everyone would have cared. 

Have you ever felt alone in this world?  Like no one has it as bad as you?  Like you are involved in something and want out- but are too scared to get out? I have been there.  I have shed tears about it long enough to flood an entire house...there is hope! And it is real. There is acceptance, and it isn't from your friends.  There is shelter, and it isn't under your covers.  There is peace, and it isn't in the peace sign you wear around your neck.  There is satisfaction, and it isn't in your acheivements.  There is mercy, and it isn't displayed in your self-pity.  There is a such thing as love, and it isn't replicated in Hollywood.  You will not find what you are looking for at school- you will not hear what your soul longs to hear from your "significant other".  You weren't just "born this way".  No- God has something bigger planned...