Looking back on the time before I was married to my first husband, I often wonder if I was married because I was in love with the idea of being married, and not necessarily in love with the person I was going to marry...did I even know the man I was about to submit the rest of my entire life to? Did I understand the commitment that was going to be involved? Sure I understood what size clothes he wore, how he brushed his teeth, the quirky little things I liked about him, but did I really understand his heart? Did we have the same viewpoints? Did we even talk about those things? Sure some conversations might have come up, but were the real questions asked?
At what point was it going to be worth leaving my parents house? To spend forever with someone else? Was it going to be worth what lie ahead, or was it going to be something that I would regret? I didn't even think about those things! We did attend marriage counseling and we did have financial counseling. We were told that the bills were gonna add up, kids were gonna cost money, we may squeeze the toothpaste differently... sure we understood that, and we actually balanced those disagreements very well, but what I was not prepared for and what I did not understand and what I was naive about was the fact that marrying another human being and giving my life over to him not only was it going to be hard, but it would also define who I'd allow myself to be.
I could never be me...I could never be myself. I remember growing up-my parents always did the best they could with the knowledge they had, and I thank them dearly for the parents they were- but I have learned something in my adult life that I would love to pass on to my children...that is this-
When you are out there searching for someone to marry- I remember being told to make a list about the other person- the good vs the bad- if the good outweighs the bad, maybe you shouldn't break up with them, maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt- or something like that, but what I have discovered in my years of dating and being married and being divorced is this-
Instead of writing a list of good vs bad on the other person, you write a list of who you are- the things you will not give up- here's an example;
I love God
I love to laugh
to run
to be outside
to give myself in hospitality
to share my things with the needy
I love children
I love to be giddy sometimes
I will always say what I mean- and will not hold back
I will not cheat
I will not lie
I will not steal
When you are done with that list and can sit back and look at that list- something that's going to make a difference in the person you marry and even spend the time dating is this- Can you be the person on this list when you are with the other person?
It doesn't matter how great the other person is- they could be the best person on earth to someone else, but if you can not be yourself when you are with that person, then you can not be free to be the person God created, and that will never allow you to have a successful marriage!
I knew I wasn't always going to be happy. I knew there would be ups and downs and challenges, but there was a person trapped in side of me I could not be. Out of respect for my ex, I will not share in detail the things that dissolved our marriage publicly on here, but I will say this:
In any divorce, there are two people who sin, not just one. The wrong that I did I will admit. I know the wrong he did and this blog is not about him, so I will talk about that. I will say it caused alot of pain in our marriage, and alot of grief and idolatry, and yes, it hurt! But tonight, I will only talk of what I did wrong and the way I could've helped and the things that I will not do again-
My parents were married for 29 years . I grew up knowing I belonged to a wonderful family. No my childhood, as you know, has not been ideal, it wasn't one would look upon in jealousy, but I knew I had a great family. Inwardly and in my heart, I knew my parents loved me. Sometimes I didn't feel like it and other times I wouldn't admit I knew it, but in my heart, I knew it! I knew I was accepted now matter what. My dad was one of those dads that would play basketball with us everyday, and my friends loved that he was always involved (maybe if just to keep an eye on me, I'm not sure) but regardless, he was there! I loved that part of my childhood! But when they surprisingly divorced after 29 years of marriage, I was an adult with two children of my own. I had felt like I had worked very hard on my family. I had relied alot upon my self to keep my family together over the years and to make them have a reason to stay together. I never blamed myself for their divorce, but as any child would, I felt like maybe I could help them not get a divorce- so I tried! I would listen to my mom, and to my dad, and to each side, and I would do everything I could to help them stay focused on each other. In doing that, I avoided the problems I had in my own marriage! And the time that I should've focused on my marriage, I focused on their marriage, which inevitably, would fail anyway. I am not blaming my parents divorce on my divorce at all- the choices my ex husband and I made were just that- they were our decisions, but the time that I spent trying to help my parents- I should not have taken away from my own marriage. I see that now. But I also see what God had in store even through all of that hurt and pain and for that I am thankful! But I still wonder if people today, especially young girls- are too much in love with the idea of being married and this fairytale wedding with this "happily ever after" ending. Think about it- ever since we are little girls we run around in our daddy's t-shirts pretending to be brides, we all dream of the day we will be a bride!
Every story we ever heard as little girls involves a prince with a princess in a fairytale world, and I think there are so many of us out there that are so in love with the idea of being married, but we are not in love with the men we marry. and THAT is a problem!!!
I do believe this highly effects the divorce rate, the way we raise our children, the way we handle conflict; we do not know the people we marry!
THIS is VERY SCARY!!!!
Its too late after we are married- its too late! Sometimes I wish I could open a marriage counseling center and seriously ask people to look at each other and tell each other exactly what they expect on their honeymoon night! Is it what the other person wants? Cause if it's not- let me tell you something- there are ways people want to be touched and ways people do NOT want to be touched, and guess what- if you get two people that are completely opposite in this area that do not know this until their honeymoon night- theres' gonna be a problem!
Affairs are a dime a dozen these days and I have an idea of why they're so easy to come by- think about it! Picture a girl who loves to be touched married to a man who hates to touch! This woman is in need of touching by her husband- but that's just "not him". Guess what? The hug she gets from someone at work- or the gentle handshake she receives from the man at the restaurant soon becomes a mindset that she was touched in a way she hasn't been touched in a while, and man did that feel good! It opens the door to predators! She becomes vulnerable and her husband has no idea he has just been replaced! All it took was her husband lacking in the one area she needed it!
If our marriages are not blooming, our relationships are not on fire for God and not in line with His will, we do not know the people we are marrying, and we are not in love with the person we married- what are we expecting? Are we expecting that kind of relationship to last a lifetime? When we haven't even taken 5 minutes to discuss what that life looks like?
By the time we have lived the rest of our life together, most of the time- God willing- the time we spend married to each other will far outlive the amount of time we were single. What kind of life are you gonna have? Are you wasting time dating someone or being engaged to someone that only occupies your time, or is it only a companion because you fear being single forever, or only takes care of your kids and that's why you want to marry as a single mother?
The Bible tells us (1 Corinthians) that the only reason we should marry is because we can not resist the other sexually. That's it. We shouldn't be able to hold back from the other person, and yet people are marrying because the other looks good, has money, or fame, or success- because they are potentially a good mother or father! Are you in love with this person? Or are you in love with the idea of being married to them?
Folks one day the wedding guests will leave, the guestbook will be closed, the honeymoon night will be over, the house will be dirty, the car will be broken down. the billd will not be paid, the laundry will be piled high. At that point in your marriage, are you going to be able to look at this person and say no matter what happens in our life, doesn't matter, because I know who I am in Christ- and I know who I am with you! And I love you more today no matter what this house looks like, and no matter how much money we have- more than the day I met you- more than the day I married you- more than the day we had $500,000 in retirement and now we have $1! Are you going to be able to say that to this person, because if not, let me save you a lifetime of regret- of pain and suffering and depression! If you cant say that, it is not worth saying the two words on your wedding day- "I do!"
Do you take it seriously and are you taking it seriously? I do not regret the marriage I had with my ex husband- because of it I have been blessed with two children- and I love them more than I could ask or even imagine! But one thing I do wish- that I would've known then what I know now- but if I did, I fear I would not have the blessing of the two bodies that breathe in their beds tonight- in this house- tucked in sound asleep!
SO where are you? Are you just dating? Are you dating the right people? Can you be yourself? Can you be free? You should feel so free right now- the world has nothing better to offer than what you have with this person. The peace inside of you is so happy and joyful because there is nothing better than being with this person. You should not be able to resist this person without the help of God Himself! My fear is for young girls to be where I am- that there is someone else out there that doesn't know what I know now- that hasn't lived those regrets- I don't want that one regret for them! I don't want one more girl to know what it feels like on Christmas day when I have to give my kids up! I don't want men and women out there to have to hear their children say, " I don't want to leave!" knowing that there's nothing I can do to change it. I don't want them to have to deal with not being able to hold their children when they're sick, hug them when they have a fever, or be there to comfort them when they are sad! I don't want them to have to experience what these things feel like simply because it isn't their weekend! I don't want that for any other woman on this earth! If I can help to educate one person enough before they get married so them and their children don't have to experience it, I would give up any function on any day, anything I have to, in order to teach them life isn't just gonna be the way you planned and to make sure they have thought about the right questions- Have you thought about the questions that matter? Even if you haven't thought about them before- it's never too late to answer them honestly for yourself before you are married! God has SO much more in store for you if you will only wait for God to speak! Is it Him you're hearing, or is it your own desire to live a fairytale that may or may not end in a "happily ever after"?
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