It has been nearly 2 months since I have written anything at all! My mind has been a thousand different places and my lips have been unable to speak what my mind has trapped inside! Tonight I am home alone- and I was going through some of the pieces I had written.... this is one of them I wrote to my ex husband while going through a divorce... maybe it will touch someone out there other than me...but it brought tears to my eyes as I read it tonight. Here it is:
"I feel like a bad wife. A bad mom, a bad everything. Not for the way I am or what I do, but for the way I feel. I look in the mirror and I see a reflection of beauty. I look into the eyes of the one who holds my heart and I see failure and shame. I am oblivious to how to respond. My mind tells me I run fast and don't look back. My heart tells me to fight. If I shall fight- I shall lose, for that is the sacrifice a committment must make.
If I lose, I lose all. I lose all I've hoped for. I lose the freedom of my creativity and imagination. I want my mind to run free and yet I feel so trapped. I wish to hold my love in places he'll never forget. I wish to elaborate on things he's never thought of. I want to talk to him in such a way that I would be irresistable. I want to be the beauty who is rescued from her own thoughts. I want him to be my knight.
When the winds blow, I want to smell him. When the rains fall, I want to taste him. When the sun rises and sets, I want to see him. When the oceans roar, I want to hear his voice calling my name. When the mountains tremble, I want to feel him next to me- pursuing me, loving me. I want to be more than just his friend, I want to be a lover.
The love inside of me is boiling. It has no where to go but out. I have alot to give, will no one take it? Does no one want to be loved? I can hold it in- but that's not true love. I can let it out and waste what I have, but that is a waste of precious love. I want to let my love overflow so much that eventually it returns in many forms I think unimaginable. Surprise me, confuse me, turn me loose! I won't control how I am loved, but let me love as I wish to be loved, and you'll understand what love is. You'll feel it in the depths of your soul. You'll see it in my eyes. You'll hear it in my cry of desperation, and you'll never touch me the same again. When you touch me, you'll reach so deep I cry. You'll experience the love in a captivating way- such a way that there is no return.
Are you ready? Are you really ready? I am a ride you won't want to wait in line for. I am a toy you can't figure out. I have places you've never been, and I have sounds you've never heard. You must be patient, you must go slow. This toy is fragile, believe me, I know. I'll take some handling, but when you figure me out, there is no going back. You have bought a toy with your heart that you don't know how to play with. It may seem boring, it may seem lifeless, but what you don't see is you. I am the part of you that you are not. Let me show you ME, my true self, and I'll show you nothing you've seen before.
I ponder on which is worse- Being someone I'm not, or not being someone I know I am? I am a good mom. I know I am a good wife. I know I love to be me and I love who I am.
Looking back- is this it? Is this all I was looking forward to? I remember as a little girl dressing up in daddy's t-shirts, pretending to be a bride. Oh- how it would feel to be loved- to be cherished! Now, I look at pictures in the real dress I wore and I don't feel half as cherished as I did in my imagination...Am I wrong now, or was it just wishful thinking?
I know it's out there, I know what it feels like. I can imagine it right now. I can smell it, I can feel it, I see it and I can hear the sounds it creates. If something so beautiful can be imagined, it can be produced. Run free with me."
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
He loves me, he loves me not...
Looking back on the time before I was married to my first husband, I often wonder if I was married because I was in love with the idea of being married, and not necessarily in love with the person I was going to marry...did I even know the man I was about to submit the rest of my entire life to? Did I understand the commitment that was going to be involved? Sure I understood what size clothes he wore, how he brushed his teeth, the quirky little things I liked about him, but did I really understand his heart? Did we have the same viewpoints? Did we even talk about those things? Sure some conversations might have come up, but were the real questions asked?
At what point was it going to be worth leaving my parents house? To spend forever with someone else? Was it going to be worth what lie ahead, or was it going to be something that I would regret? I didn't even think about those things! We did attend marriage counseling and we did have financial counseling. We were told that the bills were gonna add up, kids were gonna cost money, we may squeeze the toothpaste differently... sure we understood that, and we actually balanced those disagreements very well, but what I was not prepared for and what I did not understand and what I was naive about was the fact that marrying another human being and giving my life over to him not only was it going to be hard, but it would also define who I'd allow myself to be.
I could never be me...I could never be myself. I remember growing up-my parents always did the best they could with the knowledge they had, and I thank them dearly for the parents they were- but I have learned something in my adult life that I would love to pass on to my children...that is this-
When you are out there searching for someone to marry- I remember being told to make a list about the other person- the good vs the bad- if the good outweighs the bad, maybe you shouldn't break up with them, maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt- or something like that, but what I have discovered in my years of dating and being married and being divorced is this-
Instead of writing a list of good vs bad on the other person, you write a list of who you are- the things you will not give up- here's an example;
I love God
I love to laugh
to run
to be outside
to give myself in hospitality
to share my things with the needy
I love children
I love to be giddy sometimes
I will always say what I mean- and will not hold back
I will not cheat
I will not lie
I will not steal
When you are done with that list and can sit back and look at that list- something that's going to make a difference in the person you marry and even spend the time dating is this- Can you be the person on this list when you are with the other person?
It doesn't matter how great the other person is- they could be the best person on earth to someone else, but if you can not be yourself when you are with that person, then you can not be free to be the person God created, and that will never allow you to have a successful marriage!
I knew I wasn't always going to be happy. I knew there would be ups and downs and challenges, but there was a person trapped in side of me I could not be. Out of respect for my ex, I will not share in detail the things that dissolved our marriage publicly on here, but I will say this:
In any divorce, there are two people who sin, not just one. The wrong that I did I will admit. I know the wrong he did and this blog is not about him, so I will talk about that. I will say it caused alot of pain in our marriage, and alot of grief and idolatry, and yes, it hurt! But tonight, I will only talk of what I did wrong and the way I could've helped and the things that I will not do again-
My parents were married for 29 years . I grew up knowing I belonged to a wonderful family. No my childhood, as you know, has not been ideal, it wasn't one would look upon in jealousy, but I knew I had a great family. Inwardly and in my heart, I knew my parents loved me. Sometimes I didn't feel like it and other times I wouldn't admit I knew it, but in my heart, I knew it! I knew I was accepted now matter what. My dad was one of those dads that would play basketball with us everyday, and my friends loved that he was always involved (maybe if just to keep an eye on me, I'm not sure) but regardless, he was there! I loved that part of my childhood! But when they surprisingly divorced after 29 years of marriage, I was an adult with two children of my own. I had felt like I had worked very hard on my family. I had relied alot upon my self to keep my family together over the years and to make them have a reason to stay together. I never blamed myself for their divorce, but as any child would, I felt like maybe I could help them not get a divorce- so I tried! I would listen to my mom, and to my dad, and to each side, and I would do everything I could to help them stay focused on each other. In doing that, I avoided the problems I had in my own marriage! And the time that I should've focused on my marriage, I focused on their marriage, which inevitably, would fail anyway. I am not blaming my parents divorce on my divorce at all- the choices my ex husband and I made were just that- they were our decisions, but the time that I spent trying to help my parents- I should not have taken away from my own marriage. I see that now. But I also see what God had in store even through all of that hurt and pain and for that I am thankful! But I still wonder if people today, especially young girls- are too much in love with the idea of being married and this fairytale wedding with this "happily ever after" ending. Think about it- ever since we are little girls we run around in our daddy's t-shirts pretending to be brides, we all dream of the day we will be a bride!
Every story we ever heard as little girls involves a prince with a princess in a fairytale world, and I think there are so many of us out there that are so in love with the idea of being married, but we are not in love with the men we marry. and THAT is a problem!!!
I do believe this highly effects the divorce rate, the way we raise our children, the way we handle conflict; we do not know the people we marry!
THIS is VERY SCARY!!!!
Its too late after we are married- its too late! Sometimes I wish I could open a marriage counseling center and seriously ask people to look at each other and tell each other exactly what they expect on their honeymoon night! Is it what the other person wants? Cause if it's not- let me tell you something- there are ways people want to be touched and ways people do NOT want to be touched, and guess what- if you get two people that are completely opposite in this area that do not know this until their honeymoon night- theres' gonna be a problem!
Affairs are a dime a dozen these days and I have an idea of why they're so easy to come by- think about it! Picture a girl who loves to be touched married to a man who hates to touch! This woman is in need of touching by her husband- but that's just "not him". Guess what? The hug she gets from someone at work- or the gentle handshake she receives from the man at the restaurant soon becomes a mindset that she was touched in a way she hasn't been touched in a while, and man did that feel good! It opens the door to predators! She becomes vulnerable and her husband has no idea he has just been replaced! All it took was her husband lacking in the one area she needed it!
If our marriages are not blooming, our relationships are not on fire for God and not in line with His will, we do not know the people we are marrying, and we are not in love with the person we married- what are we expecting? Are we expecting that kind of relationship to last a lifetime? When we haven't even taken 5 minutes to discuss what that life looks like?
By the time we have lived the rest of our life together, most of the time- God willing- the time we spend married to each other will far outlive the amount of time we were single. What kind of life are you gonna have? Are you wasting time dating someone or being engaged to someone that only occupies your time, or is it only a companion because you fear being single forever, or only takes care of your kids and that's why you want to marry as a single mother?
The Bible tells us (1 Corinthians) that the only reason we should marry is because we can not resist the other sexually. That's it. We shouldn't be able to hold back from the other person, and yet people are marrying because the other looks good, has money, or fame, or success- because they are potentially a good mother or father! Are you in love with this person? Or are you in love with the idea of being married to them?
Folks one day the wedding guests will leave, the guestbook will be closed, the honeymoon night will be over, the house will be dirty, the car will be broken down. the billd will not be paid, the laundry will be piled high. At that point in your marriage, are you going to be able to look at this person and say no matter what happens in our life, doesn't matter, because I know who I am in Christ- and I know who I am with you! And I love you more today no matter what this house looks like, and no matter how much money we have- more than the day I met you- more than the day I married you- more than the day we had $500,000 in retirement and now we have $1! Are you going to be able to say that to this person, because if not, let me save you a lifetime of regret- of pain and suffering and depression! If you cant say that, it is not worth saying the two words on your wedding day- "I do!"
Do you take it seriously and are you taking it seriously? I do not regret the marriage I had with my ex husband- because of it I have been blessed with two children- and I love them more than I could ask or even imagine! But one thing I do wish- that I would've known then what I know now- but if I did, I fear I would not have the blessing of the two bodies that breathe in their beds tonight- in this house- tucked in sound asleep!
SO where are you? Are you just dating? Are you dating the right people? Can you be yourself? Can you be free? You should feel so free right now- the world has nothing better to offer than what you have with this person. The peace inside of you is so happy and joyful because there is nothing better than being with this person. You should not be able to resist this person without the help of God Himself! My fear is for young girls to be where I am- that there is someone else out there that doesn't know what I know now- that hasn't lived those regrets- I don't want that one regret for them! I don't want one more girl to know what it feels like on Christmas day when I have to give my kids up! I don't want men and women out there to have to hear their children say, " I don't want to leave!" knowing that there's nothing I can do to change it. I don't want them to have to deal with not being able to hold their children when they're sick, hug them when they have a fever, or be there to comfort them when they are sad! I don't want them to have to experience what these things feel like simply because it isn't their weekend! I don't want that for any other woman on this earth! If I can help to educate one person enough before they get married so them and their children don't have to experience it, I would give up any function on any day, anything I have to, in order to teach them life isn't just gonna be the way you planned and to make sure they have thought about the right questions- Have you thought about the questions that matter? Even if you haven't thought about them before- it's never too late to answer them honestly for yourself before you are married! God has SO much more in store for you if you will only wait for God to speak! Is it Him you're hearing, or is it your own desire to live a fairytale that may or may not end in a "happily ever after"?
At what point was it going to be worth leaving my parents house? To spend forever with someone else? Was it going to be worth what lie ahead, or was it going to be something that I would regret? I didn't even think about those things! We did attend marriage counseling and we did have financial counseling. We were told that the bills were gonna add up, kids were gonna cost money, we may squeeze the toothpaste differently... sure we understood that, and we actually balanced those disagreements very well, but what I was not prepared for and what I did not understand and what I was naive about was the fact that marrying another human being and giving my life over to him not only was it going to be hard, but it would also define who I'd allow myself to be.
I could never be me...I could never be myself. I remember growing up-my parents always did the best they could with the knowledge they had, and I thank them dearly for the parents they were- but I have learned something in my adult life that I would love to pass on to my children...that is this-
When you are out there searching for someone to marry- I remember being told to make a list about the other person- the good vs the bad- if the good outweighs the bad, maybe you shouldn't break up with them, maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt- or something like that, but what I have discovered in my years of dating and being married and being divorced is this-
Instead of writing a list of good vs bad on the other person, you write a list of who you are- the things you will not give up- here's an example;
I love God
I love to laugh
to run
to be outside
to give myself in hospitality
to share my things with the needy
I love children
I love to be giddy sometimes
I will always say what I mean- and will not hold back
I will not cheat
I will not lie
I will not steal
When you are done with that list and can sit back and look at that list- something that's going to make a difference in the person you marry and even spend the time dating is this- Can you be the person on this list when you are with the other person?
It doesn't matter how great the other person is- they could be the best person on earth to someone else, but if you can not be yourself when you are with that person, then you can not be free to be the person God created, and that will never allow you to have a successful marriage!
I knew I wasn't always going to be happy. I knew there would be ups and downs and challenges, but there was a person trapped in side of me I could not be. Out of respect for my ex, I will not share in detail the things that dissolved our marriage publicly on here, but I will say this:
In any divorce, there are two people who sin, not just one. The wrong that I did I will admit. I know the wrong he did and this blog is not about him, so I will talk about that. I will say it caused alot of pain in our marriage, and alot of grief and idolatry, and yes, it hurt! But tonight, I will only talk of what I did wrong and the way I could've helped and the things that I will not do again-
My parents were married for 29 years . I grew up knowing I belonged to a wonderful family. No my childhood, as you know, has not been ideal, it wasn't one would look upon in jealousy, but I knew I had a great family. Inwardly and in my heart, I knew my parents loved me. Sometimes I didn't feel like it and other times I wouldn't admit I knew it, but in my heart, I knew it! I knew I was accepted now matter what. My dad was one of those dads that would play basketball with us everyday, and my friends loved that he was always involved (maybe if just to keep an eye on me, I'm not sure) but regardless, he was there! I loved that part of my childhood! But when they surprisingly divorced after 29 years of marriage, I was an adult with two children of my own. I had felt like I had worked very hard on my family. I had relied alot upon my self to keep my family together over the years and to make them have a reason to stay together. I never blamed myself for their divorce, but as any child would, I felt like maybe I could help them not get a divorce- so I tried! I would listen to my mom, and to my dad, and to each side, and I would do everything I could to help them stay focused on each other. In doing that, I avoided the problems I had in my own marriage! And the time that I should've focused on my marriage, I focused on their marriage, which inevitably, would fail anyway. I am not blaming my parents divorce on my divorce at all- the choices my ex husband and I made were just that- they were our decisions, but the time that I spent trying to help my parents- I should not have taken away from my own marriage. I see that now. But I also see what God had in store even through all of that hurt and pain and for that I am thankful! But I still wonder if people today, especially young girls- are too much in love with the idea of being married and this fairytale wedding with this "happily ever after" ending. Think about it- ever since we are little girls we run around in our daddy's t-shirts pretending to be brides, we all dream of the day we will be a bride!
Every story we ever heard as little girls involves a prince with a princess in a fairytale world, and I think there are so many of us out there that are so in love with the idea of being married, but we are not in love with the men we marry. and THAT is a problem!!!
I do believe this highly effects the divorce rate, the way we raise our children, the way we handle conflict; we do not know the people we marry!
THIS is VERY SCARY!!!!
Its too late after we are married- its too late! Sometimes I wish I could open a marriage counseling center and seriously ask people to look at each other and tell each other exactly what they expect on their honeymoon night! Is it what the other person wants? Cause if it's not- let me tell you something- there are ways people want to be touched and ways people do NOT want to be touched, and guess what- if you get two people that are completely opposite in this area that do not know this until their honeymoon night- theres' gonna be a problem!
Affairs are a dime a dozen these days and I have an idea of why they're so easy to come by- think about it! Picture a girl who loves to be touched married to a man who hates to touch! This woman is in need of touching by her husband- but that's just "not him". Guess what? The hug she gets from someone at work- or the gentle handshake she receives from the man at the restaurant soon becomes a mindset that she was touched in a way she hasn't been touched in a while, and man did that feel good! It opens the door to predators! She becomes vulnerable and her husband has no idea he has just been replaced! All it took was her husband lacking in the one area she needed it!
If our marriages are not blooming, our relationships are not on fire for God and not in line with His will, we do not know the people we are marrying, and we are not in love with the person we married- what are we expecting? Are we expecting that kind of relationship to last a lifetime? When we haven't even taken 5 minutes to discuss what that life looks like?
By the time we have lived the rest of our life together, most of the time- God willing- the time we spend married to each other will far outlive the amount of time we were single. What kind of life are you gonna have? Are you wasting time dating someone or being engaged to someone that only occupies your time, or is it only a companion because you fear being single forever, or only takes care of your kids and that's why you want to marry as a single mother?
The Bible tells us (1 Corinthians) that the only reason we should marry is because we can not resist the other sexually. That's it. We shouldn't be able to hold back from the other person, and yet people are marrying because the other looks good, has money, or fame, or success- because they are potentially a good mother or father! Are you in love with this person? Or are you in love with the idea of being married to them?
Folks one day the wedding guests will leave, the guestbook will be closed, the honeymoon night will be over, the house will be dirty, the car will be broken down. the billd will not be paid, the laundry will be piled high. At that point in your marriage, are you going to be able to look at this person and say no matter what happens in our life, doesn't matter, because I know who I am in Christ- and I know who I am with you! And I love you more today no matter what this house looks like, and no matter how much money we have- more than the day I met you- more than the day I married you- more than the day we had $500,000 in retirement and now we have $1! Are you going to be able to say that to this person, because if not, let me save you a lifetime of regret- of pain and suffering and depression! If you cant say that, it is not worth saying the two words on your wedding day- "I do!"
Do you take it seriously and are you taking it seriously? I do not regret the marriage I had with my ex husband- because of it I have been blessed with two children- and I love them more than I could ask or even imagine! But one thing I do wish- that I would've known then what I know now- but if I did, I fear I would not have the blessing of the two bodies that breathe in their beds tonight- in this house- tucked in sound asleep!
SO where are you? Are you just dating? Are you dating the right people? Can you be yourself? Can you be free? You should feel so free right now- the world has nothing better to offer than what you have with this person. The peace inside of you is so happy and joyful because there is nothing better than being with this person. You should not be able to resist this person without the help of God Himself! My fear is for young girls to be where I am- that there is someone else out there that doesn't know what I know now- that hasn't lived those regrets- I don't want that one regret for them! I don't want one more girl to know what it feels like on Christmas day when I have to give my kids up! I don't want men and women out there to have to hear their children say, " I don't want to leave!" knowing that there's nothing I can do to change it. I don't want them to have to deal with not being able to hold their children when they're sick, hug them when they have a fever, or be there to comfort them when they are sad! I don't want them to have to experience what these things feel like simply because it isn't their weekend! I don't want that for any other woman on this earth! If I can help to educate one person enough before they get married so them and their children don't have to experience it, I would give up any function on any day, anything I have to, in order to teach them life isn't just gonna be the way you planned and to make sure they have thought about the right questions- Have you thought about the questions that matter? Even if you haven't thought about them before- it's never too late to answer them honestly for yourself before you are married! God has SO much more in store for you if you will only wait for God to speak! Is it Him you're hearing, or is it your own desire to live a fairytale that may or may not end in a "happily ever after"?
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Instant Replay
Over and over in my life, I have always reverted back to the same sins. I know that Satan knows our weaknesses, and for some time I allowed Satan to control my mind in to thinking that he was able to tempt me to the point of sinning again! And every time I committed that sin, I would ask for forgiveness and God would forgive me, but I always felt more shame each time I did it! I would excuse it by saying, "Satan has a grip on me, and he knows my weaknesses!"
I see so many people like this today in our society. I had a conversation with a friend this past week that prompted me to write this blog. The overwhelming passion in my heart can not be contained any longer!
Why do we keep doing the very thing we apologize for? Why is it that we say we are sorry for something, and yet we keep doing it? Does that show that we are truly sorry? Would it be easy for you to forgive someone for seriously hurting you? Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe- as the Bible tells us ' A70 times 7- maybe. But if we are real and honest with ourselves, would it build any love and trust between those two people?
This is my question to us all- If we believe that being saved from the wrath of God is reliant upon a "personal relationship" with Jesus Christ, which at least all protestants do- then why do we continue to repeat the same sins? I know you're going to answer, "because that's our sinful nature in us and that is Satan tempting us.." Is that really it, or has it grown to something deeper? Could it be that we are excusing the very fact that we are more willing to ask forgiveness than we are to say I love my God enough to NOT do this?
Those of us who are saved could very easily say, "God has forgiven all my sins, the past AND the future sins." Well, not only does that line up with the Catholic religion, but it also shows more about our "personal relationship" with God than it does about our religion! Who of you would like to be cheated on? Hopefully none! How many of you after being cheated on would forgive your mate? Hopefully all! Would you continue to feel loved and cherished and wanted after the 20th time of that same person cheating? Of course not! So if our "relationship" with God is reflected as a "marriage", then what makes us think that committing the same sin over and over and asking for forgiveness is any different to God?
Do we really love God and want to please Him in our daily lives, or do we WANT to serve a God who LOVES US? I'm afraid the majority of this country desires the latter! Our country is full of churches and yet we have more missionaries coming here from other countries than this country has sending out! Whats the problem with that? The problem is that alot of our churches are tickling our ears to hear what we want to hear! They are challenging the "church", the people of this nation to turn their backs on the TRUTH and focus only on the "good" things this world has to offer! The bad thing about this is that this World was destined for death! Are the people left standing after Jesus returns going to be able to look around to one another and say, "Well, lets think about the good that is coming tommorrow'? NO- that will be the day of REALITY for such people!
I wish there were more churches and more everyday-life Christians that would get out of this "I believe in a God who loves me, you should too" mentality and get into a "I serve a God who loves me enough to die the most painful death on a cross to save me from my own sin, you should too because He did it for you too. No it isn't easy always going against the flow- and no I am not perfect, but when I fail, I ask for forgiveness and I repent! There are going to be sins evident in my life, and when there are- I love my God enough to STOP!" mentality!!!!!
Where have the sermons gone that sex before marriage is wrong, addiction is idolatry, drunkeness is wrong, cheating and adultery is wrong...? Where have the convicting sermons gone? I am part of my church because sometimes I am offended, but guess what- the TRUTH is offensive! Offend me all day if it shows me the TRUTH! In the end, we will ALL know and our knees will bow and our tongues confess that Jesus Christ is Lord- I am choosing to avoid the rush- are you?
I see so many people like this today in our society. I had a conversation with a friend this past week that prompted me to write this blog. The overwhelming passion in my heart can not be contained any longer!
Why do we keep doing the very thing we apologize for? Why is it that we say we are sorry for something, and yet we keep doing it? Does that show that we are truly sorry? Would it be easy for you to forgive someone for seriously hurting you? Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe- as the Bible tells us ' A70 times 7- maybe. But if we are real and honest with ourselves, would it build any love and trust between those two people?
This is my question to us all- If we believe that being saved from the wrath of God is reliant upon a "personal relationship" with Jesus Christ, which at least all protestants do- then why do we continue to repeat the same sins? I know you're going to answer, "because that's our sinful nature in us and that is Satan tempting us.." Is that really it, or has it grown to something deeper? Could it be that we are excusing the very fact that we are more willing to ask forgiveness than we are to say I love my God enough to NOT do this?
Those of us who are saved could very easily say, "God has forgiven all my sins, the past AND the future sins." Well, not only does that line up with the Catholic religion, but it also shows more about our "personal relationship" with God than it does about our religion! Who of you would like to be cheated on? Hopefully none! How many of you after being cheated on would forgive your mate? Hopefully all! Would you continue to feel loved and cherished and wanted after the 20th time of that same person cheating? Of course not! So if our "relationship" with God is reflected as a "marriage", then what makes us think that committing the same sin over and over and asking for forgiveness is any different to God?
Do we really love God and want to please Him in our daily lives, or do we WANT to serve a God who LOVES US? I'm afraid the majority of this country desires the latter! Our country is full of churches and yet we have more missionaries coming here from other countries than this country has sending out! Whats the problem with that? The problem is that alot of our churches are tickling our ears to hear what we want to hear! They are challenging the "church", the people of this nation to turn their backs on the TRUTH and focus only on the "good" things this world has to offer! The bad thing about this is that this World was destined for death! Are the people left standing after Jesus returns going to be able to look around to one another and say, "Well, lets think about the good that is coming tommorrow'? NO- that will be the day of REALITY for such people!
I wish there were more churches and more everyday-life Christians that would get out of this "I believe in a God who loves me, you should too" mentality and get into a "I serve a God who loves me enough to die the most painful death on a cross to save me from my own sin, you should too because He did it for you too. No it isn't easy always going against the flow- and no I am not perfect, but when I fail, I ask for forgiveness and I repent! There are going to be sins evident in my life, and when there are- I love my God enough to STOP!" mentality!!!!!
Where have the sermons gone that sex before marriage is wrong, addiction is idolatry, drunkeness is wrong, cheating and adultery is wrong...? Where have the convicting sermons gone? I am part of my church because sometimes I am offended, but guess what- the TRUTH is offensive! Offend me all day if it shows me the TRUTH! In the end, we will ALL know and our knees will bow and our tongues confess that Jesus Christ is Lord- I am choosing to avoid the rush- are you?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Why ME?
Since the time I was 14, I have been called to women! I never had a ton of girlfriends my age, they have always been older girls and women. I never could relate to anyone my age. While other 14 year olds were going to the mall and meeting at the movies and friends' houses, I was either at youth group or alone at home in my room; I was searching for the answers to all the questions I had about what love is. I was writing prayers out of shame and guilt or out of desperation to understand the depth of the one thing I could not dare to fathom- LOVE- that four letter word that I couldn't bare to talk about to anyone other than me!
As I grew in my understanding of love, my passion for other girls grew stronger! I started to ask the question which we have all pondered at one point or another- Why ME? Why was it me that was raped? Why was it me that was alone in my room? Why was it me that everyone thought badly of? Why was it me that I could never do anything right? Why was it me that I couldn't tell the truth about what happened? Why was it me God chose to be raped? Why was it me God chose to save? Why was it my heart in which God was placing a passion for women? and why- oh why- would God think that He could use me?
My questions went on and on...some being answered and some not being answered to this day- but one certain thing God has taught me and that is this:
My calling isn't to understand WHY, my calling is to DO! I may never know why bad things happen to good people, or why the bad people often seem to be blessed beyond measure, but I do know that God uses each event and every soul to His Glory! And with the events that have happened in my life, many of which I have not even shared on here yet, I KNOW that God can use them! I have never been addicted to drugs, I have been around them, and been in some horrifying situations because of them, but I can not relate to the people and friends I have that have been found by friends and family foaming at the mouth from overdoses! I can not relate to the people who have drunk parents who beat them, or who have no parents in the home. I can not relate to the Athiest or to the Mormon, or the Buddhist- but I CAN relate to those people who have been raped. I can explain to the parents of these children what that child may need or want from their parents. I CAN relate with the girl who struggles with her self- image and her worth. I CAN identify with a divorced mother single trying to make it in the world, and I CAN relate to the adult child who loses their identity when their parents divorce after 25 years of marriage. I CAN also relate to the ones who have had miscarriages, loss of life, struggles physically, and emotionally.
Not only CAN I relate with these people, but I WANT to be used by God, my God, to reach out to these people and pour out His love as an overflow of the love He has shown to me! For if I have all this in my life and yet do nothing with it, to advance His good work, what have I to be praised for by Him? He has helped and guided me through EACH and EVERY time I needed it, and mostly when I wanted it- He has forgiven me of the wrong I have done against Him- the least I can do for Him is to share this love and let it pour over into the world!
A lady at church tonight was almost embarrassed because she felt like God was still teaching her things at 41 years old...I simply said, "Well, I hope we are always learning as long as we are here, because when He stops working on us, He calls us home with Him..." She looked at me a little funny, and said, "yeah, I guess that's true."
I want to help young people. I want to reach young girls. I want to reach parents of young girls, and I want to be used by God to help this dying world of teenagers rise up to praise God and serve Him actively in their lives! I want to help mothers thinking of abortion to either keep their babies or find adoptive parents for them. I want to help the girl who gets pregnant as a teenager with no support at home. I want to teach her how to take care of her body during pregnancy, and how to care for her baby after it is home. I want to make a difference! There is a love to offer this world, but it won't be found at an abortion clinic, and sadly, too often, it isn't found in a counseling session!
I hope that those of you reading this do not believe I think highly of myself. It is quite the opposite...I do not have a life I would consider to be proud of- but I DO have a NAME I am proud of and I DO have a Father that we can share! That may be all I have to offer this world, but it is enough to lead it to it's own salvation!
Do you know anyone who needs any of this? If so, please send me their name or contact information. I would love to be in touch with them, if even just to pray with them. I want to have the opportunity to reach these girls. I do not know exactly how, or the timing which God has planned, but I am convinced God has a plan! I am also convinced I want to be a part of it!
Where are you? Have you been addicted to anything, know what it feels like to be abandoned, abused, neglected, or persecuted? What has God allowed to happen in your life that He is wanting to receive the Glory for? There are many different walks of life- mine is just ONE! God wants to use you too and you don't have to have all answers- just a purpose! What is yours?
As I grew in my understanding of love, my passion for other girls grew stronger! I started to ask the question which we have all pondered at one point or another- Why ME? Why was it me that was raped? Why was it me that was alone in my room? Why was it me that everyone thought badly of? Why was it me that I could never do anything right? Why was it me that I couldn't tell the truth about what happened? Why was it me God chose to be raped? Why was it me God chose to save? Why was it my heart in which God was placing a passion for women? and why- oh why- would God think that He could use me?
My questions went on and on...some being answered and some not being answered to this day- but one certain thing God has taught me and that is this:
My calling isn't to understand WHY, my calling is to DO! I may never know why bad things happen to good people, or why the bad people often seem to be blessed beyond measure, but I do know that God uses each event and every soul to His Glory! And with the events that have happened in my life, many of which I have not even shared on here yet, I KNOW that God can use them! I have never been addicted to drugs, I have been around them, and been in some horrifying situations because of them, but I can not relate to the people and friends I have that have been found by friends and family foaming at the mouth from overdoses! I can not relate to the people who have drunk parents who beat them, or who have no parents in the home. I can not relate to the Athiest or to the Mormon, or the Buddhist- but I CAN relate to those people who have been raped. I can explain to the parents of these children what that child may need or want from their parents. I CAN relate with the girl who struggles with her self- image and her worth. I CAN identify with a divorced mother single trying to make it in the world, and I CAN relate to the adult child who loses their identity when their parents divorce after 25 years of marriage. I CAN also relate to the ones who have had miscarriages, loss of life, struggles physically, and emotionally.
Not only CAN I relate with these people, but I WANT to be used by God, my God, to reach out to these people and pour out His love as an overflow of the love He has shown to me! For if I have all this in my life and yet do nothing with it, to advance His good work, what have I to be praised for by Him? He has helped and guided me through EACH and EVERY time I needed it, and mostly when I wanted it- He has forgiven me of the wrong I have done against Him- the least I can do for Him is to share this love and let it pour over into the world!
A lady at church tonight was almost embarrassed because she felt like God was still teaching her things at 41 years old...I simply said, "Well, I hope we are always learning as long as we are here, because when He stops working on us, He calls us home with Him..." She looked at me a little funny, and said, "yeah, I guess that's true."
I want to help young people. I want to reach young girls. I want to reach parents of young girls, and I want to be used by God to help this dying world of teenagers rise up to praise God and serve Him actively in their lives! I want to help mothers thinking of abortion to either keep their babies or find adoptive parents for them. I want to help the girl who gets pregnant as a teenager with no support at home. I want to teach her how to take care of her body during pregnancy, and how to care for her baby after it is home. I want to make a difference! There is a love to offer this world, but it won't be found at an abortion clinic, and sadly, too often, it isn't found in a counseling session!
I hope that those of you reading this do not believe I think highly of myself. It is quite the opposite...I do not have a life I would consider to be proud of- but I DO have a NAME I am proud of and I DO have a Father that we can share! That may be all I have to offer this world, but it is enough to lead it to it's own salvation!
Do you know anyone who needs any of this? If so, please send me their name or contact information. I would love to be in touch with them, if even just to pray with them. I want to have the opportunity to reach these girls. I do not know exactly how, or the timing which God has planned, but I am convinced God has a plan! I am also convinced I want to be a part of it!
Where are you? Have you been addicted to anything, know what it feels like to be abandoned, abused, neglected, or persecuted? What has God allowed to happen in your life that He is wanting to receive the Glory for? There are many different walks of life- mine is just ONE! God wants to use you too and you don't have to have all answers- just a purpose! What is yours?
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
"Shotgun!"
Have you ever been driving down the street and you suddenly have to slam on your brakes? As you do, you glance in your rear view mirror to sadly see the driver behind you staring in their rear view mirror and it isn't for just a moment. You KNOW they are not looking forward and you cringe as you await the huge bump from behind- or try to avoid the collision!
For a long time in my life, and every now and then to this day, I have been ashamed of my life. I would dwell on the events in my life that in my opinion had "ruined" the rest of it! I would have overwhelming pity parties that would only lead to self- destruction and most of the time, I would end up back in the same place because I was focused on what had happened to me, and I would crash once again!
In Jeremiah 29, God tells us that "He knows the plan He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future!" Did you hear that last word? Did you hear His plans were not to harm us? This became a life memory verse for me that I carry in my mind and will until the day I return home to Him. I rest in this assurance!
First of all, it told me I had a future, and not just any future, but one that didn't involve harm, and hope that I may actually prosper! To me, that promise coming from anyone would have meant the world, but coming from God's Word, was so comforting! And His Word never returns void!
I realized that I had been driving down the road of life looking in my rear view mirror- and I was bound to CRASH and BURN! I could not continue the path I was on! I either had to change my way, or look forward- or both!
That's the point in my life I started to accept the forgiveness I had for myself and all the others who had hurt me physically and emotionally. I realized that I was the one directing my path with my focus on the very thing that was going to lead me to death! I wanted something different!
You know that feeling when you crash in a car? The driver you're riding with hits another car or an object with the front of the car you're in? If not, be very thankful, but if so, you will know what I'm talking about! When I was 17, and I had my broken leg, I actually hit 2 pedestrian children with my car! They ran out from a line of parked cars and they were shorter than the cars they ran between and I could not have seen them...please don't judge me..lol. They were okay, but ever since then, I have a fear when I pass by a line of parked cars! I am always waiting for kids to pop out of somewhere!
When we crash our own lives over and over and over again by going back to the same addiction, problem, mindset, attitude, or habit- we might as well have an ejection button because we are guaranteed to crash at least one more time! We need to stop driving our lives while always looking in the past! Be thoughtful of the past, learn from your mistakes, forgive those who have wronged you, forgive yourself, repent, and move on! Sounds easy right? Not so much! It has taken me 19 years to get where I am today since I was raped! It has taken years of gradual grace from God to get me here- and He is not finished with me or I would be in His precious arms right now! In fact, over these 19 years, we have stopped the car, and HE has gotten in the driver seat and I just have to ride. I do not turn around in the seat to watch the business behind us either! Sometimes its easier to just drive, especially when I think the driver is going too slow- or I think the destination is incorrect...but when I ride in the passenger seat, I have no rear view mirror and when I am tempted to take a view of the past from the side mirror, I have a driver I can trust with the brake, and He is certain to get my attention when I need to look forward!
I challenge you to call "Shotgun" in the life God has delivered to you as a gift! Relax, forgive the past, find a new destination, and enjoy the ride! You have a wonderful tour guide and a new future full of hope!
For a long time in my life, and every now and then to this day, I have been ashamed of my life. I would dwell on the events in my life that in my opinion had "ruined" the rest of it! I would have overwhelming pity parties that would only lead to self- destruction and most of the time, I would end up back in the same place because I was focused on what had happened to me, and I would crash once again!
In Jeremiah 29, God tells us that "He knows the plan He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future!" Did you hear that last word? Did you hear His plans were not to harm us? This became a life memory verse for me that I carry in my mind and will until the day I return home to Him. I rest in this assurance!
First of all, it told me I had a future, and not just any future, but one that didn't involve harm, and hope that I may actually prosper! To me, that promise coming from anyone would have meant the world, but coming from God's Word, was so comforting! And His Word never returns void!
I realized that I had been driving down the road of life looking in my rear view mirror- and I was bound to CRASH and BURN! I could not continue the path I was on! I either had to change my way, or look forward- or both!
That's the point in my life I started to accept the forgiveness I had for myself and all the others who had hurt me physically and emotionally. I realized that I was the one directing my path with my focus on the very thing that was going to lead me to death! I wanted something different!
You know that feeling when you crash in a car? The driver you're riding with hits another car or an object with the front of the car you're in? If not, be very thankful, but if so, you will know what I'm talking about! When I was 17, and I had my broken leg, I actually hit 2 pedestrian children with my car! They ran out from a line of parked cars and they were shorter than the cars they ran between and I could not have seen them...please don't judge me..lol. They were okay, but ever since then, I have a fear when I pass by a line of parked cars! I am always waiting for kids to pop out of somewhere!
When we crash our own lives over and over and over again by going back to the same addiction, problem, mindset, attitude, or habit- we might as well have an ejection button because we are guaranteed to crash at least one more time! We need to stop driving our lives while always looking in the past! Be thoughtful of the past, learn from your mistakes, forgive those who have wronged you, forgive yourself, repent, and move on! Sounds easy right? Not so much! It has taken me 19 years to get where I am today since I was raped! It has taken years of gradual grace from God to get me here- and He is not finished with me or I would be in His precious arms right now! In fact, over these 19 years, we have stopped the car, and HE has gotten in the driver seat and I just have to ride. I do not turn around in the seat to watch the business behind us either! Sometimes its easier to just drive, especially when I think the driver is going too slow- or I think the destination is incorrect...but when I ride in the passenger seat, I have no rear view mirror and when I am tempted to take a view of the past from the side mirror, I have a driver I can trust with the brake, and He is certain to get my attention when I need to look forward!
I challenge you to call "Shotgun" in the life God has delivered to you as a gift! Relax, forgive the past, find a new destination, and enjoy the ride! You have a wonderful tour guide and a new future full of hope!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Stop, Drop, and Roll!..
I have been talking alot about my own past in my blogs, but today, I have things on my mind that are more observations than anything. I too- am guilty of the very things I have observed, but I do wish there was a way for me to warn people about them before they happen...
Would you start a fire in the middle of your living room? More than likely, not- it would burn down the very possessions you worked so hard for! Not only would you lose your own shelter, but you would lose those memories as well!
Would you start a fire in the middle of your living room if it was in the fireplace? Of course! At that point, the fire is enriching and will warm you for hours! As long as you keep putting logs on, you could have a fire forever- a warm nice cozy fire to warm your face and your soul!
So why is that so many young girls and boys and teens and single people think that they are going to do anything other than destroy the things they have worked hard to preserve by having pre-marital sex? Sure, sex is a beautiful thing when it is contained inside of a marriage, but when this world begins to accept pre-marital sex as a thing to play with- it destroys its own house with fire!
I am one of those people who destroyed my own house by allowing the sparks of teenage years to build fires in my living room! And it has not been easy building back a house from ashes! Thankfully I had the master Builder to give me some blueprints called a "New Creation". I want those out there whose houses are "destroyed" by "fire" to know that there is Hope and their lives can be rebuilt to a GLORIOUS and PROSPEROUS and ABUNDANT LIFE! It takes falling on your face before God and admitting you have been wrong, and/or that you have been wronged, and it also takes forgiving yourself as much as you forgive everyone else!
Is your living room on fire? Has your fire just started?? Stop it now! Put the fire out today...do not let it spread- do not keep having sex outside of marriage! I promise it will only make you miserable!
I remember a piece of paper that an older man handed me on prom day while I was visiting a friend at her work... it read, "Don't let one moment of pleasure cost you a lifetime of regret". I still have this exact paper in my journal to this day and I read it every now and then to remind me that the words Warren Buffet spoke are true..
Would you start a fire in the middle of your living room? More than likely, not- it would burn down the very possessions you worked so hard for! Not only would you lose your own shelter, but you would lose those memories as well!
Would you start a fire in the middle of your living room if it was in the fireplace? Of course! At that point, the fire is enriching and will warm you for hours! As long as you keep putting logs on, you could have a fire forever- a warm nice cozy fire to warm your face and your soul!
So why is that so many young girls and boys and teens and single people think that they are going to do anything other than destroy the things they have worked hard to preserve by having pre-marital sex? Sure, sex is a beautiful thing when it is contained inside of a marriage, but when this world begins to accept pre-marital sex as a thing to play with- it destroys its own house with fire!
I am one of those people who destroyed my own house by allowing the sparks of teenage years to build fires in my living room! And it has not been easy building back a house from ashes! Thankfully I had the master Builder to give me some blueprints called a "New Creation". I want those out there whose houses are "destroyed" by "fire" to know that there is Hope and their lives can be rebuilt to a GLORIOUS and PROSPEROUS and ABUNDANT LIFE! It takes falling on your face before God and admitting you have been wrong, and/or that you have been wronged, and it also takes forgiving yourself as much as you forgive everyone else!
Is your living room on fire? Has your fire just started?? Stop it now! Put the fire out today...do not let it spread- do not keep having sex outside of marriage! I promise it will only make you miserable!
I remember a piece of paper that an older man handed me on prom day while I was visiting a friend at her work... it read, "Don't let one moment of pleasure cost you a lifetime of regret". I still have this exact paper in my journal to this day and I read it every now and then to remind me that the words Warren Buffet spoke are true..
"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently." Warren Buffett
What will you do different today?
Saturday, March 10, 2012
To move or not to move...
My senior year of high school, right after graduation, my parents told us that my dad was being transferred to Missouri with his career...again. So this time, seeing as we were both practically legal adults, we were given the choice of whether or not we wanted to go with them. My sister was a definite NO. She had a steady boyfriend, whom she is married to today. This choice I had to make on my own.
I wanted a new life- that was for certain. But there were actually a few people in my life in Kentucky I did not want to let go. One was my boyfriend- who wasn't my boyfriend anymore. Others were people from church that had grown to be friends. This was the longest I had ever lived anywhere and I was beginning to feel like I actaully had a home. But family was everything to me- even if it wasn't always the happiest place for me to be. I WAS TORN!
My parents told me they would pay for college if I moved with them, my sister said I could live with her in her apartment until I was able to support myself. I had a job, paid for my own car- the situation was picture perfect for staying in Kentucky. That's really what I wanted to do!
So I started praying and it ended up being more of a "pleading my case" to God Himself. I would give Him all the reasons I thought He should tell me to stay- I NEVER felt content with those prayers, at all! Then I came across Acts 1:8 in the Bible that read, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."
My initial thoughts were, "I wonder if I can forget I just saw that?" Have you ever done that? You know God is speaking to you directly, almost like the burning bush- and you want to say you didn't see it? How could you have missed it, right?
What got me in my heart was this: Jesus was speaking to the people in Jerusalem. They were going to be witnesses FIRST in Jurusalem- which was the people closest to them such as family, neighbors, etc. Then once they had witnessed to those closest to them, they would start to merge out- to the town, the cities, the countries, and eventually the "ends of the earth".
When the "Bad Day" happened, my parents had virtually dropped us off at the doors of the church. My sister and I hated it that our parents were hardly ever at church with us. I wanted them in church... I saw families each week, three times a week, sitting together at church and I knew thats what I wanted. Not just to be sitting there together, but to be living our lives with one common goal: Knowing God and making Him known." My parents in my mind were my Jerusalem and I knew God was telling me to stay with my Jerusalem, so I decided to move to Missouri with them.
Mom and Dad moved that summer to MO. I was attending UK at the time and had to wait until the end of the semester before I could move. My sister and I flew to MO the day after Christmas and I stayed and she left after the holidays were over. There I was. I felt alone all over again. I went to a local church and mom and dad attended for a short while until I got settled it seemed like. Then I was alone...again. I really do think depression sat in. I mean, every night I wanted to be back in Kentucky. I would sit at my computer in my room and cry as I chatted to friends back there. I wanted to go back! But I was 9 hours away and I knew God had told me to go- so I also knew I had to stay! So I did...
The more I felt depressed, the more I told God about it. As I was cying in my room, I would almost blame God and ask why I had to move there if all my security in myself and my friends was in Kentucky. I rememeber telling God, "I could've moved 10 minutes away- why did I have to come 9 hours?"
The longer I was there and the more I cried out to God, it started to seem okay to be there. I still missed my friends and wanted to go back occassionally, but I was starting to feel at home in MO. At night, I felt like it was just me and God. Then it occured to me...I wasn't reading Scripture at the time it occured to me, in fact, I don't even remember what I was doing but the feelings and thoughts were overwhelming! I am convinced it was the Holy Spirit!
I suddenly had a knowledge I had not possessed before! I realized that I had been relying on OTHERS' relationships with God to live my own relationship with God. Thats why I was feeling so alone all the time. Since I had been saved and become very involved in the youth group at age 14, I had grown up to be leader in the group. I sang Praise and Worship with Clark Shuman, and some with Chris Rice. (you may know him). I participated in the Dove award nomination video for Chris Rice at Michael W. Smith's house in KY. I had led people to Christ- and I LOVED every minute of all of it! I was SOMEBODY to everyone else!
I learned this day in my room in MO that I didn't need all those people I was missing in KY to have MY OWN relationship with God! It was like I turned around in my room and God was standing right behind me with His arms wide open just waiting for me to notice He was there! It was so amazing! And such a relief! At that moment, I realized that it doesn't matter how far away we go from the place we may call "home"- our ultimate "home" is being alone with God in the quiet of our room!
I was finally home- I felt "not so distant" for the first time in about a year.
To this day, if I ever feel distant or alone or afraid of doing something new, I always remember this. I don't want to get too comfortable anywhere because I want to be prepared to go to the next place God has for me. I have to self examine myself and my heart to make sure I am not relying on anyone else or anyone else's plans or actions to dictate what my life looks like.
Today, I will ask you ONE question- Would your relationship and your actions in your own life look the same way if the Godly people you admire today didn't show up? Just something to ponder...
I wanted a new life- that was for certain. But there were actually a few people in my life in Kentucky I did not want to let go. One was my boyfriend- who wasn't my boyfriend anymore. Others were people from church that had grown to be friends. This was the longest I had ever lived anywhere and I was beginning to feel like I actaully had a home. But family was everything to me- even if it wasn't always the happiest place for me to be. I WAS TORN!
My parents told me they would pay for college if I moved with them, my sister said I could live with her in her apartment until I was able to support myself. I had a job, paid for my own car- the situation was picture perfect for staying in Kentucky. That's really what I wanted to do!
So I started praying and it ended up being more of a "pleading my case" to God Himself. I would give Him all the reasons I thought He should tell me to stay- I NEVER felt content with those prayers, at all! Then I came across Acts 1:8 in the Bible that read, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."
My initial thoughts were, "I wonder if I can forget I just saw that?" Have you ever done that? You know God is speaking to you directly, almost like the burning bush- and you want to say you didn't see it? How could you have missed it, right?
What got me in my heart was this: Jesus was speaking to the people in Jerusalem. They were going to be witnesses FIRST in Jurusalem- which was the people closest to them such as family, neighbors, etc. Then once they had witnessed to those closest to them, they would start to merge out- to the town, the cities, the countries, and eventually the "ends of the earth".
When the "Bad Day" happened, my parents had virtually dropped us off at the doors of the church. My sister and I hated it that our parents were hardly ever at church with us. I wanted them in church... I saw families each week, three times a week, sitting together at church and I knew thats what I wanted. Not just to be sitting there together, but to be living our lives with one common goal: Knowing God and making Him known." My parents in my mind were my Jerusalem and I knew God was telling me to stay with my Jerusalem, so I decided to move to Missouri with them.
Mom and Dad moved that summer to MO. I was attending UK at the time and had to wait until the end of the semester before I could move. My sister and I flew to MO the day after Christmas and I stayed and she left after the holidays were over. There I was. I felt alone all over again. I went to a local church and mom and dad attended for a short while until I got settled it seemed like. Then I was alone...again. I really do think depression sat in. I mean, every night I wanted to be back in Kentucky. I would sit at my computer in my room and cry as I chatted to friends back there. I wanted to go back! But I was 9 hours away and I knew God had told me to go- so I also knew I had to stay! So I did...
The more I felt depressed, the more I told God about it. As I was cying in my room, I would almost blame God and ask why I had to move there if all my security in myself and my friends was in Kentucky. I rememeber telling God, "I could've moved 10 minutes away- why did I have to come 9 hours?"
The longer I was there and the more I cried out to God, it started to seem okay to be there. I still missed my friends and wanted to go back occassionally, but I was starting to feel at home in MO. At night, I felt like it was just me and God. Then it occured to me...I wasn't reading Scripture at the time it occured to me, in fact, I don't even remember what I was doing but the feelings and thoughts were overwhelming! I am convinced it was the Holy Spirit!
I suddenly had a knowledge I had not possessed before! I realized that I had been relying on OTHERS' relationships with God to live my own relationship with God. Thats why I was feeling so alone all the time. Since I had been saved and become very involved in the youth group at age 14, I had grown up to be leader in the group. I sang Praise and Worship with Clark Shuman, and some with Chris Rice. (you may know him). I participated in the Dove award nomination video for Chris Rice at Michael W. Smith's house in KY. I had led people to Christ- and I LOVED every minute of all of it! I was SOMEBODY to everyone else!
I learned this day in my room in MO that I didn't need all those people I was missing in KY to have MY OWN relationship with God! It was like I turned around in my room and God was standing right behind me with His arms wide open just waiting for me to notice He was there! It was so amazing! And such a relief! At that moment, I realized that it doesn't matter how far away we go from the place we may call "home"- our ultimate "home" is being alone with God in the quiet of our room!
I was finally home- I felt "not so distant" for the first time in about a year.
To this day, if I ever feel distant or alone or afraid of doing something new, I always remember this. I don't want to get too comfortable anywhere because I want to be prepared to go to the next place God has for me. I have to self examine myself and my heart to make sure I am not relying on anyone else or anyone else's plans or actions to dictate what my life looks like.
Today, I will ask you ONE question- Would your relationship and your actions in your own life look the same way if the Godly people you admire today didn't show up? Just something to ponder...
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