It has been nearly 2 months since I have written anything at all! My mind has been a thousand different places and my lips have been unable to speak what my mind has trapped inside! Tonight I am home alone- and I was going through some of the pieces I had written.... this is one of them I wrote to my ex husband while going through a divorce... maybe it will touch someone out there other than me...but it brought tears to my eyes as I read it tonight. Here it is:
"I feel like a bad wife. A bad mom, a bad everything. Not for the way I am or what I do, but for the way I feel. I look in the mirror and I see a reflection of beauty. I look into the eyes of the one who holds my heart and I see failure and shame. I am oblivious to how to respond. My mind tells me I run fast and don't look back. My heart tells me to fight. If I shall fight- I shall lose, for that is the sacrifice a committment must make.
If I lose, I lose all. I lose all I've hoped for. I lose the freedom of my creativity and imagination. I want my mind to run free and yet I feel so trapped. I wish to hold my love in places he'll never forget. I wish to elaborate on things he's never thought of. I want to talk to him in such a way that I would be irresistable. I want to be the beauty who is rescued from her own thoughts. I want him to be my knight.
When the winds blow, I want to smell him. When the rains fall, I want to taste him. When the sun rises and sets, I want to see him. When the oceans roar, I want to hear his voice calling my name. When the mountains tremble, I want to feel him next to me- pursuing me, loving me. I want to be more than just his friend, I want to be a lover.
The love inside of me is boiling. It has no where to go but out. I have alot to give, will no one take it? Does no one want to be loved? I can hold it in- but that's not true love. I can let it out and waste what I have, but that is a waste of precious love. I want to let my love overflow so much that eventually it returns in many forms I think unimaginable. Surprise me, confuse me, turn me loose! I won't control how I am loved, but let me love as I wish to be loved, and you'll understand what love is. You'll feel it in the depths of your soul. You'll see it in my eyes. You'll hear it in my cry of desperation, and you'll never touch me the same again. When you touch me, you'll reach so deep I cry. You'll experience the love in a captivating way- such a way that there is no return.
Are you ready? Are you really ready? I am a ride you won't want to wait in line for. I am a toy you can't figure out. I have places you've never been, and I have sounds you've never heard. You must be patient, you must go slow. This toy is fragile, believe me, I know. I'll take some handling, but when you figure me out, there is no going back. You have bought a toy with your heart that you don't know how to play with. It may seem boring, it may seem lifeless, but what you don't see is you. I am the part of you that you are not. Let me show you ME, my true self, and I'll show you nothing you've seen before.
I ponder on which is worse- Being someone I'm not, or not being someone I know I am? I am a good mom. I know I am a good wife. I know I love to be me and I love who I am.
Looking back- is this it? Is this all I was looking forward to? I remember as a little girl dressing up in daddy's t-shirts, pretending to be a bride. Oh- how it would feel to be loved- to be cherished! Now, I look at pictures in the real dress I wore and I don't feel half as cherished as I did in my imagination...Am I wrong now, or was it just wishful thinking?
I know it's out there, I know what it feels like. I can imagine it right now. I can smell it, I can feel it, I see it and I can hear the sounds it creates. If something so beautiful can be imagined, it can be produced. Run free with me."
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