God has many names- Abba, Father, Healer, Soild Rock, My Foundation, Emmanuel- to me- God is my Counselor! Going through my bad day and the ones that followed it, there was no one for me to talk to about my feelings. No one to vent to so to speak...not without being killed.
My escape from this life was always youth group. I learned to love the people there and actually made some lifelong friends, which for me was very new because we had always moved so much, I was used to friends coming and going. I mean, even the word fri[end] ends with "end". Once my relationship with God began, I would pray all day for wisdom and that He would teach me what love is. Since I was told, "I love you" while being raped, you can only imagine my idea of love and how warped it must have been! Even my parents noticed a difference at home. We had this routine of kissing my parents on the cheek and saying, "love you goodnight, see you in the morning". I stopped doing this.
I remember my mom asking me one time, "Misty, do you not love us anymore?" I replied very sure, "No, I don't". Because in my mind, love hurt. I wanted as far away from love as I could get. But I was confused. "God is love"...????? That made NO sense to me whatsoever. I mean, how could love be a good thing? Everyone was talking about God's love being all these good things at church and here I am doing everything I can to avoid this 4 letter word!
God had His way with me, and for that I am grateful! I began a Bible study workbook at church called "Experiening God" and it lead me through my Bible to passages that explained WHO GOD IS AND WHAT HIS LOVE IS! When I read this in my Bible, I wanted it immediately.! I wanted this kind of love. I began to understand that the "love" that was demonstrated to me while being raped was in fact not love at all.
I read Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Ah ha! God didn't want or need me to be blamless, to be pure, to be perfect, or righteous to die for me. He showed me that night for the first time what love is. He laid down his own life for me and didn't wait for me to deserve it. No- he did it "while I was still sinning."
I remember Brad telling me one time, "Misty, if you were the only person on Earth, Christ still would've died...." WOW....but its the truth! He died for every single one of us- no matter how unworthy we are! There was only ONE person worthy of that death that could pay for our sins, and that was Jesus because it had to be a perfect sacrifice! And since he was the only perfect person, His number was called and He followed through...took ALL our sin on Him, even while we were still sinning, and DIED! Not an easy "die in your sleep" kinda death- no He suffered, bled, was beaten, and willfully died the worst imaginable death of all- for me and for you! It was that day I began to TRUST GOD!
As each day passed, He was the one I talked to about everything. I have books and books of journal entries and prayers and confessions that only God has seen to this day! Somedays I think back and almost blame the people around me for not putting me in some kind of counseling... ( I was pretty messed up emotionally- that was obvious). But no one ever offered because I denied that anything was wrong...only out of fear of being killed. Inside I was dying to tell everyone because I wanted it to be over!
I woke up with God every morning and went to school with Him every day. I went home with Him on the bus and I slept next to Him at night! He held my hand every where I went! He does to this day! I told Him everything!!! I mean everything! And I never heard His audible voice, but I can tell you there were moments I honestly beleive I felt His arms around me, holding me close to Him, telling me to trust Him. At some of the really low points, I can almost still feel Him holding my head to his chest like a child- just holding me. That was all I needed...There wasn't a moment He left me. Sometimes I would catch myself straying away, and all I had to do was turn around and there He was. There were nights I cried out to Him more than I ever could have opened up in a counselors' office. I yelled at him, I cursed His name- I told Him if this was His idea of love- I didn't want it. I told Him everyhing- I blamed Him at times, and I begged for Him to show me His purpose for the bad things in my life. The way I look at not being in professional counseling on this Earth is that I was held back from that to receive the wise counsel from God Himself! One on one- 24 hrs a day- 7 days a week! What He knew that I didn't was my idea of love is not His idea of love. And so the teaching began.
God answered my prayers little by little. Life wasn't easy by any means at this point, but at least I had a friend. I had a reason to live. I had life inside of me- even if no one else could see it.
I tell my kids to this day what I heard from Brad one night at church. He was telling us not to "flaunt" our faith...that when we belong to God- our lives should show it- that we shouldn't have to walk up to someone and tell them we are a child of God. His exact words were,
"What you do in the quiet of your room when no one else is looking- everyone will see it!" He was meaning that the more one on one time we spend alone with God and His Word in the quietness of our rooms, the more our lives will reflect His will and His mercy and grace- and THAT my friends is what sets up apart from this world! If its true " we are who we hang out with", and I want to be more like Jesus, wouldn't it make sense to hang out with Him more? So I started reading His Word, the Bible, more and more. Instead of just crying to Him or yelling at Him, or blaming others, I would dive into His Word and just read! He tells us His Word never returns void, and there are passages I have read at least 5,000 times, and each time I read it, God reveals something new to me!
I will forever be grateful for the Counselor I have in God! No matter what happens, He listens. He won't screen your call or tell you what you want to hear. He doesn't sugar coat things, and He will always be consistent. His love NEVER fails! He has conquered the evil in our lives and He has conquered the grave! He wants us more than we want Him. He wants to love us more than we know how to love Him. When we are in the depths of our sin, its His hand who reaches in. No- He doesn't wait for us to crawl out and take a shower- He reaches His hand in and pulls us OUT! He washes us in His blood- He cleans us and purifies us! He makes us into HIS OWN IMAGE!
Everyone needs and wants a friend they can TRUST! Do you know my friend? His name is Jesus! He lives locally- no matter where you are! You don't even have to have a messaging plan to find Him. You don't have to pray to anyone to get to Him- His name is Jesus. Just call His name, and He will answer! He tells us, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8.
No matter how hard your life is right now, no matter what you are going through, no matter how alone you are- if you are suffering with marital problems, parenting issues, death surrounding you, divorce, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, sex addiction, suicidal thoughts- ANYTHING! There is FREE counseling available! It is God Himself- the Creator of the entire universe. I know He is a wonderful counselor! I know because I am one of His patients! He is an ORGANIC healer too- He uses all natural medicine such as Love, mercy, grace, and ultimately He sacrificed His own blood to HEAL us! It's time for your daily dose- so wake up, sit up, and get on the list to be seen by the Might Counselor today! He has an appointment available right now- you don't even have to wait on someone to cancel! What do you need to talk to God about today?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Stop Running, Start Jogging!
Today has been crazy! Trying to keep up with the ever-changing economy in the mortgage business- enough said! I love what I do for a living, but to be honest- I can't wait to get home to see how many people are viewing my blog! I'm starting to enjoy talking to you people out in cyberspace. Sometimes it feels like a one way conversation, but I hope there are some out there that are seeing The hope of this world is not IN this world!
"I am a runner". My sister commented on my "Bad Day" post, and tears fell down my cheeks as I read these words. I am a runner too. I have run from my problems my entire life. When I got into high school, every time I had a boyfriend that did the smallest thing that hurt me, I ran from it. I would trade him for a new one. If a friend hurt me, I would find new friends. If I felt like I was getting ready to be hurt emotionally- or dissapointed- I RAN. I would have rather hurt them then be hurt. This has carried over into my adult life and I am just now understanding this about me. I didn't know I was running while I was running. I thought I was "living up to my standards". What I was doing was holding grudges, burning bridges, and not showing others the forgiveness God had shown to me!
I had a boyfriend all through high school that I REALLY loved! Those of you that know him, please keep him anonymous... I regretted running from him for years after we broke up. He was my first true love. He understood me, he knew me, and (maybe) he loved me too, but I ran! I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I finally became so selfish in the relationship that I drove him away. God had other plans for both of us, and I am thankful for God placing him in my life as the first example of what a godly man and friend looked like. He was truly the first guy I actaully trusted since the bad day.
I have learned someting in my adult life- actually in the past 2 years....You can't love and not be vulnerable. When you love someone, you will be hurt. When love is involved in ANY relationship, sacrifices will have to be made, changes will have to be endured, and forgiveness will be crucial!
I am also a runner- physically. I LOVE to run! When I am running, I think. It's my time alone with God, its my time I analyze my life and my self and who I am and what I am becoming. All while burning those dreadful calories that tend to stick more when you hit 30 ;)
I titled this blog "stop running, start jogging" because of this...at some point I had to stop running. There are many more times in my life I have run when I should have endured and I will certainly share those in future posts and how it turned out for me, but now- instead of running from my problems, I jog on the ground. I clear my mind in prayer while running. Instead of sitting at home and crying about it, or re-doing the very thing that hurt, I get outside, and I jog! So instead of allowing my heart to run emotionally, I allow my feet to jog in rythym with the sound of God's living word! His Word is active too!
I wrote a piece when I was 14 that describes the way I felt about myself. The way I didn't understand why I would keep going back to the things I knew would hurt me. I will try to find this piece and put it in a later post. Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." NIV
So if you're a runner like me (emotionally) stop running, and start SOMETHING! Find something you love to do that just involves you and when you feel yourself starting to run from yourself- run with yourself to freedom- freedom fom being a slave to your sin, to a life of freedom in Christ! He is our only freedom from ourselves and our desire to run! Who wants to go jogging?
"I am a runner". My sister commented on my "Bad Day" post, and tears fell down my cheeks as I read these words. I am a runner too. I have run from my problems my entire life. When I got into high school, every time I had a boyfriend that did the smallest thing that hurt me, I ran from it. I would trade him for a new one. If a friend hurt me, I would find new friends. If I felt like I was getting ready to be hurt emotionally- or dissapointed- I RAN. I would have rather hurt them then be hurt. This has carried over into my adult life and I am just now understanding this about me. I didn't know I was running while I was running. I thought I was "living up to my standards". What I was doing was holding grudges, burning bridges, and not showing others the forgiveness God had shown to me!
I had a boyfriend all through high school that I REALLY loved! Those of you that know him, please keep him anonymous... I regretted running from him for years after we broke up. He was my first true love. He understood me, he knew me, and (maybe) he loved me too, but I ran! I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I finally became so selfish in the relationship that I drove him away. God had other plans for both of us, and I am thankful for God placing him in my life as the first example of what a godly man and friend looked like. He was truly the first guy I actaully trusted since the bad day.
I have learned someting in my adult life- actually in the past 2 years....You can't love and not be vulnerable. When you love someone, you will be hurt. When love is involved in ANY relationship, sacrifices will have to be made, changes will have to be endured, and forgiveness will be crucial!
I am also a runner- physically. I LOVE to run! When I am running, I think. It's my time alone with God, its my time I analyze my life and my self and who I am and what I am becoming. All while burning those dreadful calories that tend to stick more when you hit 30 ;)
I titled this blog "stop running, start jogging" because of this...at some point I had to stop running. There are many more times in my life I have run when I should have endured and I will certainly share those in future posts and how it turned out for me, but now- instead of running from my problems, I jog on the ground. I clear my mind in prayer while running. Instead of sitting at home and crying about it, or re-doing the very thing that hurt, I get outside, and I jog! So instead of allowing my heart to run emotionally, I allow my feet to jog in rythym with the sound of God's living word! His Word is active too!
I wrote a piece when I was 14 that describes the way I felt about myself. The way I didn't understand why I would keep going back to the things I knew would hurt me. I will try to find this piece and put it in a later post. Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." NIV
So if you're a runner like me (emotionally) stop running, and start SOMETHING! Find something you love to do that just involves you and when you feel yourself starting to run from yourself- run with yourself to freedom- freedom fom being a slave to your sin, to a life of freedom in Christ! He is our only freedom from ourselves and our desire to run! Who wants to go jogging?
Monday, February 27, 2012
There is ONE Redeemer!
Today I was thinking about yesterday's post ALL day. I couldn't stop thinking about that day. And it wasn't in a way you are imagining. I thought yesterday was going to be so hard to write, and it was while I was writing it, but today- I felt even more freed from it! God is STILL at work in my life and He continues to bless me. I was thinking today about how I am SO thankful for what God has allowed to happen to me- even this...
For whithout this event- I wouldn't be the person I am today...it hasn't been an easy road, and no-one ever said it was going to be easy, they only said it was going to be worth it!
As soon as my parents chose a church for us, they basically dropped us off at the door. Our first event was a UK hockey game! My sister and I balled our eyes out because niether of us wanted to be there- AT ALL! We knew absolutely no one and we were watching people get shoved up against the wall in pain, we were freezing our tails off and who wants to be somewhere they don't want to be?
We sat together the entire night and hardly talked to anyone. Everyone was nice and introduced themselves, but we were so not there mentally. We had to be there because mom and dad dropped us off at the door and we had no where else to go!
That is the night I met my youth minister, Brad. I guess I won't mention his last name, but I will love this man forever for taking me under his wing. I needed a wing to heal under, to guard me from the world and its evilness that surrounded me.
I had an evil living in me now- and it was my own guilt and shame. I didn't have any peace at all. I hated people, trusted no one, and hated when people asked me questions because I had NO ANSWER! I shut down. I was depressed- I hated myself. I was only 11!
By then, 6th grade had started and we all know teenagers gossip, right? Can we all admit that? It seemed like everyone was looking at me like I was the only one in color or something. Everyone knew I "lost my virginity" over the summer. Parents advised their children not to be friends with me because I was a bad influence. So who was left? Yep, you guessed it...the bad kids. well, I mean, you're either good or bad right? Not really an in between. I clung onto the first thing that would accept me the way I was and that was the people who understood me- the people that were "like me" in everyone else's eyes. Even some of the "good guys" would offer me their lunch money to do sexual favors, and even by rejecting them all, the shame and guilt grew inside- it was a constant reminder of my outward appearance.
Brad later taught me a saying I won't forget; " You lie with dogs, you get fleas". "you are who you hang out with". "If you want to know what you look like to those around you, look at your friends."
OUCH! That wasn't very pretty!
I was making bad decisions. The only definition of love I had was from the guy who raped me. Have you ever heard of the people that are in abusive relationships that stay because that's all they know? You would ask them, "If you're so miserable, why do you stay?", that was me. I hated the crowd I was in- but it was the only place I felt accepted- so I stayed. For 3 years I stayed and for 3 years I got hurt worse. I had sex willingly after that a few times because I honestly thought that if I was going to be in trouble for it, I might as well do it. (doesn't make a whole lot of sense now, but it did at 11 and 12.) For that moment, I would feel wanted. No one cared in my mind anyway. I hope you understand how hard this is for me to tell you...I know some people reading this will never understand why I am doing this- but I know ONE who does! Hopefully this will reach the people who need to hear that YOUR PURITY CAN BE RESTORED!!! I know a Redeemer and He is the Only One who is worthy of Redeeming you! His name is Jesus. You see, there was a day when I was 14, Nov 14 to be exact. I was listening to a couple talk to our class about sexual immorality and purity. How keeping yourself pure is so important to your marriage..(Song of Solomon) and how we are worthy of Redemption in God's eyes. They read from God's Word, the Bible- that God can and wants to restore our purity- that from that point on, my purity could be restored! Thats what I had wanted since the day it was taken from me!
I began to learn that our self-image can not come from what others think about us- 1 Samuel 16:7 tells us that man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. I wanted to be accepted as ME and for my heart and for the truth. At that point in my life, I just wanted to be loved- and I didnt even know what that really looked like. I just knew something was missing, and this was it! God filled the void in my heart and He continues to fill the void today!
I am grateful for being dropped off at church. Guys- I seriously believe I wouldn't be alive today if God had not reached down and pulled me out of that crowd! Only God and me knew the danger I was in! There were drugs and guns and murders all around me. There was evil and dark places not many knew of. There were bad things happening to good people all the time.
If this is you, or someone you know- there is a way out! I want to share with you how God restores your soul- your desires- your love and passion for things that are not of this world! I want you to love yourself! All teenage girls are planning their weddings in their mind- and that is wonderful and dreamy, but which ones are planning their marriages? Which ones are in love with the idea of getting married in a beautiful gown in front of all their loved ones, and how many teenage girls are in love or even know the men they are about to marry? Folks- marriage these days is sadly not about the marriage and the covenant between man and woman as it was created- it is about wanting out- wanting a "new life", our "own life", some place we can make our own rules, be loved and held and carressed...I can not stress enough how important it is to love yourself and be content with being single! NO ONE WILL EVER ACCEPT YOU THE WAY GOD DOES! Not even your spouse! No one person will ever fill your needs, and you can not fill anyone else's. No one is perfect, and everyone will dissapoint you. Your spouse will hurt you in one way or another. I promise. Our society is taught to RUN! We are taught to forgive. And Jesus Redeems!
For whithout this event- I wouldn't be the person I am today...it hasn't been an easy road, and no-one ever said it was going to be easy, they only said it was going to be worth it!
As soon as my parents chose a church for us, they basically dropped us off at the door. Our first event was a UK hockey game! My sister and I balled our eyes out because niether of us wanted to be there- AT ALL! We knew absolutely no one and we were watching people get shoved up against the wall in pain, we were freezing our tails off and who wants to be somewhere they don't want to be?
We sat together the entire night and hardly talked to anyone. Everyone was nice and introduced themselves, but we were so not there mentally. We had to be there because mom and dad dropped us off at the door and we had no where else to go!
That is the night I met my youth minister, Brad. I guess I won't mention his last name, but I will love this man forever for taking me under his wing. I needed a wing to heal under, to guard me from the world and its evilness that surrounded me.
I had an evil living in me now- and it was my own guilt and shame. I didn't have any peace at all. I hated people, trusted no one, and hated when people asked me questions because I had NO ANSWER! I shut down. I was depressed- I hated myself. I was only 11!
By then, 6th grade had started and we all know teenagers gossip, right? Can we all admit that? It seemed like everyone was looking at me like I was the only one in color or something. Everyone knew I "lost my virginity" over the summer. Parents advised their children not to be friends with me because I was a bad influence. So who was left? Yep, you guessed it...the bad kids. well, I mean, you're either good or bad right? Not really an in between. I clung onto the first thing that would accept me the way I was and that was the people who understood me- the people that were "like me" in everyone else's eyes. Even some of the "good guys" would offer me their lunch money to do sexual favors, and even by rejecting them all, the shame and guilt grew inside- it was a constant reminder of my outward appearance.
Brad later taught me a saying I won't forget; " You lie with dogs, you get fleas". "you are who you hang out with". "If you want to know what you look like to those around you, look at your friends."
OUCH! That wasn't very pretty!
I was making bad decisions. The only definition of love I had was from the guy who raped me. Have you ever heard of the people that are in abusive relationships that stay because that's all they know? You would ask them, "If you're so miserable, why do you stay?", that was me. I hated the crowd I was in- but it was the only place I felt accepted- so I stayed. For 3 years I stayed and for 3 years I got hurt worse. I had sex willingly after that a few times because I honestly thought that if I was going to be in trouble for it, I might as well do it. (doesn't make a whole lot of sense now, but it did at 11 and 12.) For that moment, I would feel wanted. No one cared in my mind anyway. I hope you understand how hard this is for me to tell you...I know some people reading this will never understand why I am doing this- but I know ONE who does! Hopefully this will reach the people who need to hear that YOUR PURITY CAN BE RESTORED!!! I know a Redeemer and He is the Only One who is worthy of Redeeming you! His name is Jesus. You see, there was a day when I was 14, Nov 14 to be exact. I was listening to a couple talk to our class about sexual immorality and purity. How keeping yourself pure is so important to your marriage..(Song of Solomon) and how we are worthy of Redemption in God's eyes. They read from God's Word, the Bible- that God can and wants to restore our purity- that from that point on, my purity could be restored! Thats what I had wanted since the day it was taken from me!
I began to learn that our self-image can not come from what others think about us- 1 Samuel 16:7 tells us that man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. I wanted to be accepted as ME and for my heart and for the truth. At that point in my life, I just wanted to be loved- and I didnt even know what that really looked like. I just knew something was missing, and this was it! God filled the void in my heart and He continues to fill the void today!
I am grateful for being dropped off at church. Guys- I seriously believe I wouldn't be alive today if God had not reached down and pulled me out of that crowd! Only God and me knew the danger I was in! There were drugs and guns and murders all around me. There was evil and dark places not many knew of. There were bad things happening to good people all the time.
If this is you, or someone you know- there is a way out! I want to share with you how God restores your soul- your desires- your love and passion for things that are not of this world! I want you to love yourself! All teenage girls are planning their weddings in their mind- and that is wonderful and dreamy, but which ones are planning their marriages? Which ones are in love with the idea of getting married in a beautiful gown in front of all their loved ones, and how many teenage girls are in love or even know the men they are about to marry? Folks- marriage these days is sadly not about the marriage and the covenant between man and woman as it was created- it is about wanting out- wanting a "new life", our "own life", some place we can make our own rules, be loved and held and carressed...I can not stress enough how important it is to love yourself and be content with being single! NO ONE WILL EVER ACCEPT YOU THE WAY GOD DOES! Not even your spouse! No one person will ever fill your needs, and you can not fill anyone else's. No one is perfect, and everyone will dissapoint you. Your spouse will hurt you in one way or another. I promise. Our society is taught to RUN! We are taught to forgive. And Jesus Redeems!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
A Bad Day...
We all have bad days. This one tops my list...
I was 11 and I was naive. It was summertime in Kentucky, and our babysitter was the public pool during the day. We would go to the pool around 10am and stay until our parents came home from work. We had rules that our parents placed to protect us, but we were 11 and 14. We knew "so much more than our parents", as I'm sure all teenagers, or at least the honest ones would agree. I have to admit, my life was pretty good. It was the summer before Middle school, after 5th grade and before 6th. I think we had lived in this town for about a year.
One of our house rules was we were to never have boys over. Not without my parents' permission and them being home. So, one of those bright summer days, my sister and I decided we were smarter than our parents and that the rules shouldn't apply to "good" kids like us. I mean, we hadn't smoked or drank or been involved in drugs like some of the people our age. We invited some of our pool friends, who happened to be guys, home with us. They were older than us and we thought we knew them pretty well. My sister invited one while I went over and invited the other, "Wanna come over to our house for lunch today? We're gonna have pizza..." One of them said yes right away, "Sure, why not?"...the other hesitated. "I don't need to do that, I will get in trouble." I said, "no, its okay- our parents won't be home until after 5, we are only getting pizza and then coming back to the pool, we can cool off and chill out for a few minutes, then we are coming right back..." It took me a minute to convince him to come, even though he insisted he not. He was serious- I thought he was exaggerating.
Soon, I would find out he wasn't.
I finally convinced him to come with us and we all walked home to our house. Being the friendly kid I always was, and still proud of painting, I wanted to show them the Lion King Mural I had painted on my wall. It took up the entire wall and was truly a great painting for an 11 year old looking back at it now.
STOP....if I could re-do this part- I would have stayed at the pool that day. Just to let you know when the decision was NOT going in the right direction.
The next hour of my life changed the rest of it. I was raped by my "friend" who thought he would get in trouble, and THIS VERY THING is WHY he thought he would get in trouble. He knew himself more than I did, and I was too naive to listen. I wasn't his first victim, nor would I be his last.
Him and I were alone in my room and my sister and our other friend were eating the pizza we were to have for lunch. While he was raping me, he told me he loved me. At that point, I never wanted to be loved again. No matter who loved me!
My sister came and got me in the room a while later. I remember I was crying and there was blood all over the bed that I was trying to hide because while I didn't really know what just happened, I knew it wasn't good. It physically hurt, emotionally hurt, and although I didn't know it yet, spiritually hurt too. Before he left, he asked, "You know how to clean out right?" uhhhh...."Yeah," was my only response. I mean, did he really think I had been in this situation before? I was only 11! I would have said anything to get him out of my house. I would've said I knew how to build the Eiffel Tower if thats what it took!
I was threatened by 3 of his friends that I would be killed if I ever mentioned this to anyone. So I didn't. My sister, however, didn't know about the threats. So, doing the thing any big sister would do, and should do- she told my mom that day as soon as she walked in the door. She said, "Mom, Misty had sex today." I'm sure she didn't know half of what happened, but I don't blame her for telling. She told what she thought she knew- she herself was only 14! She just knew something bad had happened and bad things should be told. My mom asked, "Misty, is this true? Did you have sex today?" The only response I could think of, knowing I couldn't hide it, was "yeah". My home life would never be the same.
My mom immediately, I think the next day, took me to my first gynecological exam. I'm sure every girls' first visit here isn't just a party, but under these circumstances, it was even worse. Everyone thought I had sex willingly and I was scared to death to say anything differenly. So I didn't.
I was basically treated like a problem child that was way too young to be on this path. The doctor was thankfully a woman and I could tell by the way her demeaning eyes looked at me, she wasn't too proud of why I was there. I was told AIDS could take years to show up, and that it was too soon to really tell much else, but that I was okay that day. She was trying to scare me out of "doing this again". I got the speech on sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, death, you name it. They asked my mom if she wanted me on birth control pills at 11, right in front of me, and I think because of my epilepsy, they decided against it. I'm actaully not sure. But I left there with my first feeling of guilt.
I found out shortly after that I had conceived during the rape and my body naturally miscarried. I can't imagine having a child right now that would be 19 and me be 30! I also don't want to imagine what other grief I would have had the choice of enduring had I not miscarried.
I went to my grandmothers 4 hours away to stay for a while so my mom could tell my dad and him not go crazy. He had never gone crazy before, but his daughter had not had sex before either. Life after all that was different at home! I HATED IT! I was someone I wasn't- I felt like a tramp. Like everyone looked at me and saw something that wasn't real. No one knew the truth and no one knew my heart. I cried myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT. I never spoke of it again. Not for 9 years. Every time we were out and my dad would see a young pregnant girl, I would hear, "that could be you, Misty"...."yep" was always my response. In my head, I was living a lie. To my parents and everyone who thought they knew, I was living a pleasureful life in the wrong direction- and I needed to slow down.
The rest of the summer was hard, but I didn't see them at the pool much. It wouldn't be long before 6th grade would start...and so would the reputation.
Looking back on all these feelings, and now knowing God personally as my LORD AND SAVIOR, I understand on a much smaller scale the pain He must have went through talking ALL of OUR sin, none of His own, and carrying it to the cross. We all looked at Him as guilty and only Him and God knew the depth of the truth and the purpose for His pain. God took the innocent and made Him guilty in the world's eyes- ultimately to save the very world who killed Him.
I do believe God took the innocent (me) and made me appear guilty to the world for a short time in order to bring Him Glory in the end. He knew the purpose of the pain, and still knows more about the depth of His plan than I can ever imagine.
I will say one thing, and this will prove itself throughout the next posts, but God's promise is true in His Word, "He will never leave us nor forsake us". (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV) I was not a believer when all of this was happening, and I had no where to turn, no one to talk to, and certainly no one to hear my cries.
I was alone and I was dead in my soul. I was like the walking dead. My body functioned normally and I appeared to be an unruly teenager, but inside- I was broken, torn, battered, beat down, ugly, worthless, and wanted no one to love me. I would have just assumed died in my sleep because I knew (or felt) like no one cared about the truth. The truth is- had anyone known it, everyone would have cared.
Have you ever felt alone in this world? Like no one has it as bad as you? Like you are involved in something and want out- but are too scared to get out? I have been there. I have shed tears about it long enough to flood an entire house...there is hope! And it is real. There is acceptance, and it isn't from your friends. There is shelter, and it isn't under your covers. There is peace, and it isn't in the peace sign you wear around your neck. There is satisfaction, and it isn't in your acheivements. There is mercy, and it isn't displayed in your self-pity. There is a such thing as love, and it isn't replicated in Hollywood. You will not find what you are looking for at school- you will not hear what your soul longs to hear from your "significant other". You weren't just "born this way". No- God has something bigger planned...
I was 11 and I was naive. It was summertime in Kentucky, and our babysitter was the public pool during the day. We would go to the pool around 10am and stay until our parents came home from work. We had rules that our parents placed to protect us, but we were 11 and 14. We knew "so much more than our parents", as I'm sure all teenagers, or at least the honest ones would agree. I have to admit, my life was pretty good. It was the summer before Middle school, after 5th grade and before 6th. I think we had lived in this town for about a year.
One of our house rules was we were to never have boys over. Not without my parents' permission and them being home. So, one of those bright summer days, my sister and I decided we were smarter than our parents and that the rules shouldn't apply to "good" kids like us. I mean, we hadn't smoked or drank or been involved in drugs like some of the people our age. We invited some of our pool friends, who happened to be guys, home with us. They were older than us and we thought we knew them pretty well. My sister invited one while I went over and invited the other, "Wanna come over to our house for lunch today? We're gonna have pizza..." One of them said yes right away, "Sure, why not?"...the other hesitated. "I don't need to do that, I will get in trouble." I said, "no, its okay- our parents won't be home until after 5, we are only getting pizza and then coming back to the pool, we can cool off and chill out for a few minutes, then we are coming right back..." It took me a minute to convince him to come, even though he insisted he not. He was serious- I thought he was exaggerating.
Soon, I would find out he wasn't.
I finally convinced him to come with us and we all walked home to our house. Being the friendly kid I always was, and still proud of painting, I wanted to show them the Lion King Mural I had painted on my wall. It took up the entire wall and was truly a great painting for an 11 year old looking back at it now.
STOP....if I could re-do this part- I would have stayed at the pool that day. Just to let you know when the decision was NOT going in the right direction.
The next hour of my life changed the rest of it. I was raped by my "friend" who thought he would get in trouble, and THIS VERY THING is WHY he thought he would get in trouble. He knew himself more than I did, and I was too naive to listen. I wasn't his first victim, nor would I be his last.
Him and I were alone in my room and my sister and our other friend were eating the pizza we were to have for lunch. While he was raping me, he told me he loved me. At that point, I never wanted to be loved again. No matter who loved me!
My sister came and got me in the room a while later. I remember I was crying and there was blood all over the bed that I was trying to hide because while I didn't really know what just happened, I knew it wasn't good. It physically hurt, emotionally hurt, and although I didn't know it yet, spiritually hurt too. Before he left, he asked, "You know how to clean out right?" uhhhh...."Yeah," was my only response. I mean, did he really think I had been in this situation before? I was only 11! I would have said anything to get him out of my house. I would've said I knew how to build the Eiffel Tower if thats what it took!
I was threatened by 3 of his friends that I would be killed if I ever mentioned this to anyone. So I didn't. My sister, however, didn't know about the threats. So, doing the thing any big sister would do, and should do- she told my mom that day as soon as she walked in the door. She said, "Mom, Misty had sex today." I'm sure she didn't know half of what happened, but I don't blame her for telling. She told what she thought she knew- she herself was only 14! She just knew something bad had happened and bad things should be told. My mom asked, "Misty, is this true? Did you have sex today?" The only response I could think of, knowing I couldn't hide it, was "yeah". My home life would never be the same.
My mom immediately, I think the next day, took me to my first gynecological exam. I'm sure every girls' first visit here isn't just a party, but under these circumstances, it was even worse. Everyone thought I had sex willingly and I was scared to death to say anything differenly. So I didn't.
I was basically treated like a problem child that was way too young to be on this path. The doctor was thankfully a woman and I could tell by the way her demeaning eyes looked at me, she wasn't too proud of why I was there. I was told AIDS could take years to show up, and that it was too soon to really tell much else, but that I was okay that day. She was trying to scare me out of "doing this again". I got the speech on sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, death, you name it. They asked my mom if she wanted me on birth control pills at 11, right in front of me, and I think because of my epilepsy, they decided against it. I'm actaully not sure. But I left there with my first feeling of guilt.
I found out shortly after that I had conceived during the rape and my body naturally miscarried. I can't imagine having a child right now that would be 19 and me be 30! I also don't want to imagine what other grief I would have had the choice of enduring had I not miscarried.
I went to my grandmothers 4 hours away to stay for a while so my mom could tell my dad and him not go crazy. He had never gone crazy before, but his daughter had not had sex before either. Life after all that was different at home! I HATED IT! I was someone I wasn't- I felt like a tramp. Like everyone looked at me and saw something that wasn't real. No one knew the truth and no one knew my heart. I cried myself to sleep EVERY NIGHT. I never spoke of it again. Not for 9 years. Every time we were out and my dad would see a young pregnant girl, I would hear, "that could be you, Misty"...."yep" was always my response. In my head, I was living a lie. To my parents and everyone who thought they knew, I was living a pleasureful life in the wrong direction- and I needed to slow down.
The rest of the summer was hard, but I didn't see them at the pool much. It wouldn't be long before 6th grade would start...and so would the reputation.
Looking back on all these feelings, and now knowing God personally as my LORD AND SAVIOR, I understand on a much smaller scale the pain He must have went through talking ALL of OUR sin, none of His own, and carrying it to the cross. We all looked at Him as guilty and only Him and God knew the depth of the truth and the purpose for His pain. God took the innocent and made Him guilty in the world's eyes- ultimately to save the very world who killed Him.
I do believe God took the innocent (me) and made me appear guilty to the world for a short time in order to bring Him Glory in the end. He knew the purpose of the pain, and still knows more about the depth of His plan than I can ever imagine.
I will say one thing, and this will prove itself throughout the next posts, but God's promise is true in His Word, "He will never leave us nor forsake us". (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV) I was not a believer when all of this was happening, and I had no where to turn, no one to talk to, and certainly no one to hear my cries.
I was alone and I was dead in my soul. I was like the walking dead. My body functioned normally and I appeared to be an unruly teenager, but inside- I was broken, torn, battered, beat down, ugly, worthless, and wanted no one to love me. I would have just assumed died in my sleep because I knew (or felt) like no one cared about the truth. The truth is- had anyone known it, everyone would have cared.
Have you ever felt alone in this world? Like no one has it as bad as you? Like you are involved in something and want out- but are too scared to get out? I have been there. I have shed tears about it long enough to flood an entire house...there is hope! And it is real. There is acceptance, and it isn't from your friends. There is shelter, and it isn't under your covers. There is peace, and it isn't in the peace sign you wear around your neck. There is satisfaction, and it isn't in your acheivements. There is mercy, and it isn't displayed in your self-pity. There is a such thing as love, and it isn't replicated in Hollywood. You will not find what you are looking for at school- you will not hear what your soul longs to hear from your "significant other". You weren't just "born this way". No- God has something bigger planned...
Saturday, February 25, 2012
People call me "Fifty"
Ya know- blogging is new to me, and so I have decided its rather strange...I mean, who's reading this anyway? I feel as if I'm typing to no one, yet I know everyone can see it. I have yet to feel normal about this. Who are you reading this? I can see the numbers of people reading and those numbers are phenominal! I'm not sure what God has planned with this, but I am continuing to share my story...
If you read my previous post, you'll remember the incident... I learned to talk and sit up and walk again. To prove the doctors wrong, and God very promising, I started Kindergarten when I was 4...instead of 5! Not only did I recover from the incident in ways no one imagined, but I was also excelling at a young age.
I did have a constant struggle with seizures, and do to this day in some ways; and I couldnt say my "r" correctly until I was a freshman in high school. I talked like I was either from Britain or like Elmer Fudd, whichever you want to picture. I can remember so vividly the nights of hours and hours of spech therapy my parents did with me at home. Being a parent now, (of a girl who can not say her "r's"), I can not imagine the hours of work my parents challenged me to do! I always wanted to go to "Daiwy Queen in my daddy's twuck" after I had "pwacticed fow houws". So we would go and it sometimes felt like another pointless night of trying something I was never gonna get. My parents never let me give up and they always encouraged me to try try try until I got it. They were never impatient and they were never HALF as frustrated as I was with myself.
Unfortunately, I dont remember much of my life before I was about 5. I've heard people say they remember specific events from when they were like 2, thats NOT me! I remember walking to Kindergarten to paint with my hands. I had this little apron I used to put on, you know, the plastic ones that smell like glue. I loved to paint. It was like I could say whatever I wanted in my mind and it would come out through the paint. I have an art studio in my house to this day and I still paint to express my feelings.
My memory hasn't improved much since then. I am a mother and I do try hard to challenge myself in areas I don't think others have to, but it is a daily chore for me to just remember. When my husband and I were first dating, he would say things like, "Do you remember when we went here and did this, and how romantic it was?" I would say, "No, we did that? That sounds so sweet, lets do it." He thought I was crazy- but I honestly didnt remember! He is the one who gave me my nickname "Fifty". It's certainly a constant reminder of how much I forget! ;)
Have you ever seen the movie "Fifty First Dates" where Drew Barrymore is in a car accident and she has to be reminded who she is everyday? Well, thats where the name came from...and I very seldom seem to prove it wrong. Its a running joke now, but it does lighten the mood when I'm forgettful! So if you know me and I forget something you told me, please call me or text me and say, "Hey Fifty, don't forget....."
Growing up as a child, I knew of my incident as a toddler and I always seemed to be proud of who I was. Not because I understood it, or could even fathom the blessings God had bestowed upon me, but because I belonged to great family and I loved everyone around me. I was always friendly- never met a stranger. I was just content to be ME!
Tomorrow my post will be long...and hard for me...so please pray for me. It is the post I have dreaded, but the one God will probably want to use the most. (My heart just started beating faster thinking about it.) I will jump ahead 6 years and share ONE day in the life of an 11 year old. It was one day, but it was 9 years of guilt and shame and heartache and grief. If you happen to have or know pre- teen or teenage girls, please feel free to read my post together tomorrow. Feel free to comment on here or look me up on facebook as Misty Marie. I have to admit, I am SO SCARED to say all this on here, but I am convinced that if I can help ONE person with the tablet God has painted for me, called my life, why would I hold it back? He has turned this tablet into a wonderful masterpiece that He is wanting to use in some way. TO HIM BE THE GLORY! please start praying for anyone who reads this tomorrow, and for me that God's words would be typed by my fingers especially tomorrow! God Bless You All and good night!
If you read my previous post, you'll remember the incident... I learned to talk and sit up and walk again. To prove the doctors wrong, and God very promising, I started Kindergarten when I was 4...instead of 5! Not only did I recover from the incident in ways no one imagined, but I was also excelling at a young age.
I did have a constant struggle with seizures, and do to this day in some ways; and I couldnt say my "r" correctly until I was a freshman in high school. I talked like I was either from Britain or like Elmer Fudd, whichever you want to picture. I can remember so vividly the nights of hours and hours of spech therapy my parents did with me at home. Being a parent now, (of a girl who can not say her "r's"), I can not imagine the hours of work my parents challenged me to do! I always wanted to go to "Daiwy Queen in my daddy's twuck" after I had "pwacticed fow houws". So we would go and it sometimes felt like another pointless night of trying something I was never gonna get. My parents never let me give up and they always encouraged me to try try try until I got it. They were never impatient and they were never HALF as frustrated as I was with myself.
Unfortunately, I dont remember much of my life before I was about 5. I've heard people say they remember specific events from when they were like 2, thats NOT me! I remember walking to Kindergarten to paint with my hands. I had this little apron I used to put on, you know, the plastic ones that smell like glue. I loved to paint. It was like I could say whatever I wanted in my mind and it would come out through the paint. I have an art studio in my house to this day and I still paint to express my feelings.
My memory hasn't improved much since then. I am a mother and I do try hard to challenge myself in areas I don't think others have to, but it is a daily chore for me to just remember. When my husband and I were first dating, he would say things like, "Do you remember when we went here and did this, and how romantic it was?" I would say, "No, we did that? That sounds so sweet, lets do it." He thought I was crazy- but I honestly didnt remember! He is the one who gave me my nickname "Fifty". It's certainly a constant reminder of how much I forget! ;)
Have you ever seen the movie "Fifty First Dates" where Drew Barrymore is in a car accident and she has to be reminded who she is everyday? Well, thats where the name came from...and I very seldom seem to prove it wrong. Its a running joke now, but it does lighten the mood when I'm forgettful! So if you know me and I forget something you told me, please call me or text me and say, "Hey Fifty, don't forget....."
Growing up as a child, I knew of my incident as a toddler and I always seemed to be proud of who I was. Not because I understood it, or could even fathom the blessings God had bestowed upon me, but because I belonged to great family and I loved everyone around me. I was always friendly- never met a stranger. I was just content to be ME!
Tomorrow my post will be long...and hard for me...so please pray for me. It is the post I have dreaded, but the one God will probably want to use the most. (My heart just started beating faster thinking about it.) I will jump ahead 6 years and share ONE day in the life of an 11 year old. It was one day, but it was 9 years of guilt and shame and heartache and grief. If you happen to have or know pre- teen or teenage girls, please feel free to read my post together tomorrow. Feel free to comment on here or look me up on facebook as Misty Marie. I have to admit, I am SO SCARED to say all this on here, but I am convinced that if I can help ONE person with the tablet God has painted for me, called my life, why would I hold it back? He has turned this tablet into a wonderful masterpiece that He is wanting to use in some way. TO HIM BE THE GLORY! please start praying for anyone who reads this tomorrow, and for me that God's words would be typed by my fingers especially tomorrow! God Bless You All and good night!
Friday, February 24, 2012
35 Times and Counting...
In my few 30 years here on Earth, I have moved approximately 35 times and somehow, it seems like I'm still counting. That obviously is nothing new. We moved alot when I was a child as well. My parents have always loved to "fix" houses and sell them...Im sure if I asked them how much money they made doing this, it's crazy! We were either "fixing" a new house or being transferred with my dad's job.
One particular time I do not remember was a move when I was 18 months old. We were moving into a new house to us, but an old house to the elderly man moving out. He had a heart condition that required medication and this day was move-in day for us. Mom said she cleaned the entire house before we started moving in and my older sister and I played around the house while the adults moved us in.
Somehow, being the adventurous person I still am- I came across a pretty little piece of "candy" which happened to be a heart pill that belonged the elderly man before us. I guess it was hidden in the carpet and I was the shortest distance to the ground... so I ate it. ( I still LOVE candy...not sure if its because its so pretty- or because its so YUMMY!)
Mom and Dad came around the corner to see their 18 month old little girl DEAD on the floor.
That was ME. They rushed me to the hospital and my heart was stopped for 28 minutes. Any of you in the medical field can only imagine the hope of a normal life my parents were promised...or lack there of. All of the doctors told my parents there was nothing more they could do...I was gone. Mom said one doctor stayed in that room and worked on me. She saw him in the there. A few moments later my heart began to pump again and that doctor walked out and never spoke to anyone. She asked the other doctors who that doctor was and they were all convinced there was no one in the room with me. She believes in angels to this day! So do I.
After the incident, I was unable to speak, sit up, walk, feed myself, or anything for that matter. I was a vegetable lying in a bed completely dependant as if I was newborn all over again. Only this time, with no hope from anyone of getting much better. My parents were told I would not read past a Kindergarten reading level- EVER! My social skills would probably not develop normally and my body may not function correctly due to the lack of oxygen for so long.
And here I am...I have a Kindergartner and a 2nd grader that I excel far above in reading...and math...and social skills. I do believe God had a bigger plan. This incident did cause some physical and social and mental hardships throughout my life that I will speak of in future posts, but there is never a day I can complain about the accomplishments God has placed before me.
Because of events like this when I was young, and even recent incidents that we may question God's purpose, I know His plan is ALWAYS better than OURS! My youth minister, whom I shall keep his name silent, used to tell us if you're always driving looking in the rear view mirror, you're bound to crash moving forward! From that day on, every day was a challenge, and to this day I struggle some days in some ways- but I choose to think of it like this.... If I was "normal" or "perfect" or "predictable", I wouldn't be God's workmanship! He is making me into the person He wants me to be. I am a tool for Him. My life is a gateway He will use to get others to Him. All I have to do is be moldable, vulnerable, and teachable. I must wake up every day and say, "Get behind me Satan" because Satan is real and he knows my weaknesses. He knows that I get frustrated when I physically can not remember things, when I can't focus, and when I get self-conscience about my past. I choose daily to remind Satan he looses in the end! He is already defeated and I stand on the opposite side, in the name of Jesus Christ- whom my soul loves!
I honestly believe if we do not stand up against the evils in this world- including Satan himself- we are truly giving ourselves over to the weakness of our sinful nature. There is a quote I remember, "You have to stand for SOMETHING or you will fall for anything..." Im not sure who said this, but it is quoted all over the place. God's Word tells us to "STAND FIRM" Ephesians 6:13 ...I am thankful I can stand. I am thankful that I can breathe and most of all- I am thankful my God saw me as WORTH IT to die for me.
I can not exactly answer WHY God chose to send me back to Earth that day, and no I never saw a light or a tunnel or do I remember sitting on Jesus' lap, but one thing I do know to be true, and that is God has a purpose for my life- whether that is big or small- and I am here to allow Him to fullfill that purpose through this ONE life- whatever that may be.
One particular time I do not remember was a move when I was 18 months old. We were moving into a new house to us, but an old house to the elderly man moving out. He had a heart condition that required medication and this day was move-in day for us. Mom said she cleaned the entire house before we started moving in and my older sister and I played around the house while the adults moved us in.
Somehow, being the adventurous person I still am- I came across a pretty little piece of "candy" which happened to be a heart pill that belonged the elderly man before us. I guess it was hidden in the carpet and I was the shortest distance to the ground... so I ate it. ( I still LOVE candy...not sure if its because its so pretty- or because its so YUMMY!)
Mom and Dad came around the corner to see their 18 month old little girl DEAD on the floor.
That was ME. They rushed me to the hospital and my heart was stopped for 28 minutes. Any of you in the medical field can only imagine the hope of a normal life my parents were promised...or lack there of. All of the doctors told my parents there was nothing more they could do...I was gone. Mom said one doctor stayed in that room and worked on me. She saw him in the there. A few moments later my heart began to pump again and that doctor walked out and never spoke to anyone. She asked the other doctors who that doctor was and they were all convinced there was no one in the room with me. She believes in angels to this day! So do I.
After the incident, I was unable to speak, sit up, walk, feed myself, or anything for that matter. I was a vegetable lying in a bed completely dependant as if I was newborn all over again. Only this time, with no hope from anyone of getting much better. My parents were told I would not read past a Kindergarten reading level- EVER! My social skills would probably not develop normally and my body may not function correctly due to the lack of oxygen for so long.
And here I am...I have a Kindergartner and a 2nd grader that I excel far above in reading...and math...and social skills. I do believe God had a bigger plan. This incident did cause some physical and social and mental hardships throughout my life that I will speak of in future posts, but there is never a day I can complain about the accomplishments God has placed before me.
Because of events like this when I was young, and even recent incidents that we may question God's purpose, I know His plan is ALWAYS better than OURS! My youth minister, whom I shall keep his name silent, used to tell us if you're always driving looking in the rear view mirror, you're bound to crash moving forward! From that day on, every day was a challenge, and to this day I struggle some days in some ways- but I choose to think of it like this.... If I was "normal" or "perfect" or "predictable", I wouldn't be God's workmanship! He is making me into the person He wants me to be. I am a tool for Him. My life is a gateway He will use to get others to Him. All I have to do is be moldable, vulnerable, and teachable. I must wake up every day and say, "Get behind me Satan" because Satan is real and he knows my weaknesses. He knows that I get frustrated when I physically can not remember things, when I can't focus, and when I get self-conscience about my past. I choose daily to remind Satan he looses in the end! He is already defeated and I stand on the opposite side, in the name of Jesus Christ- whom my soul loves!
I honestly believe if we do not stand up against the evils in this world- including Satan himself- we are truly giving ourselves over to the weakness of our sinful nature. There is a quote I remember, "You have to stand for SOMETHING or you will fall for anything..." Im not sure who said this, but it is quoted all over the place. God's Word tells us to "STAND FIRM" Ephesians 6:13 ...I am thankful I can stand. I am thankful that I can breathe and most of all- I am thankful my God saw me as WORTH IT to die for me.
I can not exactly answer WHY God chose to send me back to Earth that day, and no I never saw a light or a tunnel or do I remember sitting on Jesus' lap, but one thing I do know to be true, and that is God has a purpose for my life- whether that is big or small- and I am here to allow Him to fullfill that purpose through this ONE life- whatever that may be.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Day 1
I was born in 1981...my mom said I was beautiful when she first saw me...then I was delivered back to the room and SHE SENT ME BACK! Said I didnt belong to her because I was SO UGLY! They double-checked the wristband and it was correct. I belonged to her....
She snuck in the back entrance of the apartments when she brought me home and covered me up so no one would see me. I was purple, swollen, you couldn't hardly see my eyes. I was not the "perfect baby" she imagined showing off. Neighbors found out I was home and she said she had never been so embarrased to show off this baby!
...That was ME!
I'm starting this blog at the age of 30 because I have been convicted by GOD to share my story. The masterpiece He has created! I believe we would NEVER write our lives the way God has, but those of us that serve God would NEVER re-write it any differently! Sometimes in my life up to this point, it has been very hard for me to share the story of how I grew to be me- because alot of people look at me like I'm crazy or exaggerating, or lying. I can't see the look on your face right now, and you can't see me. Right now, I like it that way. This is me venturing out. This is me-but this is God's story!
Some days will be filled with tears, joy, fear, hate, drugs, sex, and maybe even rock and roll, but it all fits in my cupboard. At the end of the day when we lay our heads down, we all go into our private cupboards and shut the door. We shut out the rest of the world and we have to be true to ourselves. We can only hide the truth of our lives from everyone except God and ourselves.
Each day I will post a new day in my cupboard. What I saw...what God was doing, but what only me and God knew. Alot of this will be surreal. Alot of this will seem dark and demented and evil. It was. And only God and I knew it was there. So now, I'm inviting you into my cupboard to look around. Pick items up and touch them, smell them, look through them, but one thing I do ask- please use them!
If there is ONE person that can benefit from this blog and the story of me that God has created- it will be worth EVERY SECOND! God wants to work through me, I am only a tool. Please use me. Please share this blog with any girl, boy, woman, or man who has ever suffered with low self-esteem, feeling alone, suicidal thoughts, low self-worth, or wanting to feel accepted. Please tell me your thoughts, your needs, your prayer requests, or any special needs of children and teens. If I am able to help I will.
I understand the depth of this blog. And I am truly scared. I know the POWER God posseses and I know I can do NOTHING without Him! (John 15:5) I am just a girl. I am just a person like you with a story. You have one too. I was just told to share mine here. So here I go. Those of you that know me well, please pray for me. ;)
She snuck in the back entrance of the apartments when she brought me home and covered me up so no one would see me. I was purple, swollen, you couldn't hardly see my eyes. I was not the "perfect baby" she imagined showing off. Neighbors found out I was home and she said she had never been so embarrased to show off this baby!
...That was ME!
I'm starting this blog at the age of 30 because I have been convicted by GOD to share my story. The masterpiece He has created! I believe we would NEVER write our lives the way God has, but those of us that serve God would NEVER re-write it any differently! Sometimes in my life up to this point, it has been very hard for me to share the story of how I grew to be me- because alot of people look at me like I'm crazy or exaggerating, or lying. I can't see the look on your face right now, and you can't see me. Right now, I like it that way. This is me venturing out. This is me-but this is God's story!
Some days will be filled with tears, joy, fear, hate, drugs, sex, and maybe even rock and roll, but it all fits in my cupboard. At the end of the day when we lay our heads down, we all go into our private cupboards and shut the door. We shut out the rest of the world and we have to be true to ourselves. We can only hide the truth of our lives from everyone except God and ourselves.
Each day I will post a new day in my cupboard. What I saw...what God was doing, but what only me and God knew. Alot of this will be surreal. Alot of this will seem dark and demented and evil. It was. And only God and I knew it was there. So now, I'm inviting you into my cupboard to look around. Pick items up and touch them, smell them, look through them, but one thing I do ask- please use them!
If there is ONE person that can benefit from this blog and the story of me that God has created- it will be worth EVERY SECOND! God wants to work through me, I am only a tool. Please use me. Please share this blog with any girl, boy, woman, or man who has ever suffered with low self-esteem, feeling alone, suicidal thoughts, low self-worth, or wanting to feel accepted. Please tell me your thoughts, your needs, your prayer requests, or any special needs of children and teens. If I am able to help I will.
I understand the depth of this blog. And I am truly scared. I know the POWER God posseses and I know I can do NOTHING without Him! (John 15:5) I am just a girl. I am just a person like you with a story. You have one too. I was just told to share mine here. So here I go. Those of you that know me well, please pray for me. ;)
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