To move or not to move...

My senior year of high school, right after graduation, my parents told us that my dad was being transferred to Missouri with his career...again.  So this time, seeing as we were both practically legal adults, we were given the choice of whether or not we wanted to go with them. My sister was a definite NO.  She had a steady boyfriend, whom she is married to today. This choice I had to make on my own.

I wanted a new life- that was for certain.  But there were actually a few people in my life in Kentucky I did not want to let go.  One was my boyfriend- who wasn't my boyfriend anymore.  Others were people from church that had grown to be friends.  This was the longest I had ever lived anywhere and I was beginning to feel like I actaully had a home.  But family was everything to me- even if it wasn't always the happiest place for me to be.  I WAS TORN!

My parents told me they would pay for college if I moved with them, my sister said I could live with her in her apartment until I was able to support myself.  I had a job, paid for my own car- the situation was picture perfect for staying in Kentucky.  That's really what I wanted to do!

So I started praying and it ended up being more of a "pleading my case" to God Himself.  I would give Him all the reasons I thought He should tell me to stay- I NEVER felt content with those prayers, at all! Then  I came across Acts 1:8 in the Bible that read, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.  But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." 

My initial thoughts were, "I wonder if I can forget I just saw that?"  Have you ever done that?  You know God is speaking to you directly, almost like the burning bush- and you want to say you didn't see it?  How could you have missed it, right? 

What got me in my heart was this: Jesus was speaking to the people in Jerusalem.  They were going to be witnesses FIRST in Jurusalem- which was the people closest to them such as family, neighbors, etc.  Then once they had witnessed to those closest to them, they would start to merge out- to the town, the cities, the countries, and eventually the "ends of the earth". 

When the "Bad Day" happened, my parents had virtually dropped us off at the doors of the church.  My sister and I hated it that our parents were hardly ever at church with us.  I wanted them in church... I saw families each week, three times a week, sitting together at church and I knew thats what I wanted.  Not just to be sitting there together, but to be living our lives with one common goal: Knowing God and making Him known."  My parents in my mind were my Jerusalem and I knew God was telling me to stay with my Jerusalem, so I decided to move to Missouri with them.

Mom and Dad moved that summer to MO.  I was attending UK at the time and had to wait until the end of the semester before I could move.  My sister and I flew to MO the day after Christmas and I stayed and she left after the holidays were over.  There I was.  I felt alone all over again.  I went to a local church and mom and dad attended for a short while until I got settled it seemed like.  Then I was alone...again.  I really do think depression sat in.  I mean, every night I wanted to be back in Kentucky.  I would sit at my computer in my room and cry as I chatted to friends back there.  I wanted to go back!  But I was 9 hours away and I knew God had told me to go- so I also knew I had to stay! So I did...

The more I felt depressed, the more I told God about it.  As I was cying in my room, I would almost blame God and ask why I had to move there if all my security in myself and my friends was in Kentucky.   I rememeber telling God, "I could've moved 10 minutes away- why did I have to come 9 hours?"

The longer I was there and the more I cried out to God, it started to seem okay to be there.  I still missed my friends and wanted to go back occassionally, but I was starting to feel at home in MO.  At night, I felt like it was just me and God.  Then it occured to me...I wasn't reading Scripture at the time it occured to me, in fact, I don't even remember what I was doing but the feelings and thoughts were overwhelming!  I am convinced it was the Holy Spirit! 

I suddenly had a knowledge I had not possessed before!  I realized that I had been relying on OTHERS' relationships with God to live my own relationship with God.  Thats why I was feeling so alone all the time.  Since I had been saved and become very involved in the youth group at age 14, I had grown up to be leader in the group.  I sang Praise and Worship with Clark Shuman, and some with Chris Rice.  (you may know him).  I participated in the Dove award nomination video for Chris Rice at Michael W. Smith's house in KY.  I had led people to Christ- and I LOVED every minute of all of it!  I was SOMEBODY to everyone else! 

I learned this day in my room in MO that I didn't need all those people I was missing in KY to have MY OWN relationship with God!  It was like I turned around in my room and God was standing right behind me with His arms wide open just waiting for me to notice He was there! It was so amazing!  And such a relief!  At that moment, I realized that it doesn't matter how far away we go from the place we may call "home"- our ultimate "home" is being alone with God in the quiet of our room!

I was finally home- I felt "not so distant" for the first time in about a year. 

To this day, if I ever feel distant or alone or afraid of doing something new, I always remember this. I don't want to get too comfortable anywhere because I want to be prepared to go to the next place God has for me.  I have to self examine myself and my heart to make sure I am not relying on anyone else or anyone else's plans or actions to dictate what my life looks like. 

Today, I will ask you ONE question- Would your relationship and your actions in your own life look the same way if the Godly people you admire today didn't show up? Just something to ponder...