So some days I know what to write about before I start typing, and other nights, well- it doesn't come so easy. Tonight is one of those nights it hasn't come so easy! I feel like I have so much to share that I don't have enough time to sit here and write it and you don't have enough time to sit here and read it! So its a challenge sometimes to write only about one event or one emotion.
If any of you reading this were involved in this next event- you will remember how much I truly LOVED this! If you have never been on a mission trip- even in the States, down the street, around the corner, or to a third world country, I would highly recommend it! I was 14, and I hadn't been a Christian long...I was still a baby in that sense- I needed guidance about 24 hours a day! Maybe 25! I had been so used to living a certain way that even the idea of changing wore me completely out- no one understood in my mind! Who would want me knowing where I've been? I'm not worth anything to anyone- what do I have to offer anyone? Those were the thoughts I had of myself!
So I signed up to go on a local mission trip just to get out of the house. I was beginning to love people again. I still didn't trust many people- hardly any in fact- but I wanted this! I wanted to go to McCreary County, KY. It was 2 hours down a local major 6 lane road. It was also the thrid poorest county in the nation. We were going to help kids with VBS and to build homes. This was my main expectation. We were going to help people that needed help. That was it.
Well- God had more in store for me than I had EVER imagined! When we first got there, we were briefed by some leaders of an organization called CAP (Christian Appalachain Project) and they explained that we should respect these people we will be helping. There may be bugs in the house- we shouldn't scream and say, "Ooooh!". We shouldn't act surprised when we see things that may seem out of the ordinary for us. We should love on them, and if we had questions or problems, we should ask our leaders in a discrete manner as to not offend the local people. It was definitely a different society!
I will never forget walking up to the door of the first house- and I fell slap through the floor beneath me! The wood had wrotted out and it was not stable at all! After I try not to act surprised, we go inside and we look around. There are chickens running through the house- literally THROUGH the house- in the front and out the back because the only doors that were on the house did not close. The entire house had dirt floors and as far as I could see, I did not see ONE BED, ONE piece of furniture, nothing. They had no running water and no electricty. They grew their own gardens so they could eat. The little kids didn't have shoes on thier feet and one little boy even had a huge scar from the base of his neck straight down his chest to about his belly button. I was sitting next to him when Brad asked him, "hey man, what happened to your chest? Did you have to have surgery?" The kid may have been five years old- and he replied, "Oh no- see that rooster over there- he got me." and he ran off like it was nothing. Brad and I looked at each other in amazement like- Holy cow- why is it still alive? But these fighting roosters were all they had as a means for survival! They must have had 20 of them tied to barrels in the yard.
Another family had 11 children and their house has burned down so they moved into their childrens' treehouse. Literally! It was so amazing to see how much work they had completed on this tree house! They had built two stories out of wood from fallen trees! There was no roof and no stairs to the second floor- so we were able to build on to it for them! They too- had no electricity or running water. Remember- this is 2 hours down the road from where I lived daily in my comfortable house each day!
There was another family who lived in a burnt down school bus in the middle of the field.
This small one week trip changed my ENTIRE LIFE! I noticed something about these people- they first of all, had nothing! No clothes on their backs, no shoes on their feet, no food to feed thier families except what they had grown. They didn't even have a place I would have considered a home! But I was SO jealous of them! Yes- I said it! I looked at these families, and I envied them! I wanted what they had! I had all the riches in the world compared to them- I had the things to be jealous of- the bed, the home, the heat, the clothes, shower, covers at night, school, shoes, all of it! And in my eyes, they had it all! They had contentment. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't buy what they had! They had nothing and they were so content with each other! I had everything and was content with nothing!
This is when God really began to work on my heart! He taught me humbleness in a tangible way and he showed me love not through a boyfriend or a parent- but through watching a family truly love each other even in the depths of poverty. That first trip opened my eyes to what acceptance really is. It made me realize that it didn't matter what everyone else thought of me- or even what I thought of myself. My life belongs to God and it is His position that gives me my name. I was no different in God's eyes than those families that were standing in my presence! We were all the same for a moment- and I loved it! I wanted to strip everything I had from me and start over. I wanted to be where they were- but I had to come back home to reality. I came back to a cupboard of my daily life. My reality set in again, and I had to go back to my normal routine of never being good enough!
Each summer, I looked so forward to this mission trip because not only did we get the chance to help thoe families in a physical way, but it was the one time each year that I grew to feel like I was one step closer to knowing what it was like to live with God. God was beginning to use me and my life to bring people to Himself.
One little girl broke my heart. I asked her one day, "Do you know who Jesus is?" this was her reply, "Does He live here in McCreary county, because if he does, I probably know him." That little girl's name was Kristy. Thats all I remember. She came to know Jesus over the years as her personal Lord and Savior! I began to see God working through me- and it was amazing to me that God was not only capable, but also willing to use such a broken vessel such as myself!
As the years passed, God taught me that it is the broken vessels He works best through because of just that- we are broken! When our bodies and hearts do things that we are not "able" to do on our own, it is God who gets ALL the Glory because everyone knows we couldn't have done it alone! So each year I kept returning and each year, I joined God in His work. Little did I know- He was working on me as much as He was working through me!
I am forever thankful for those years-and I think about them still- sometimes I feel so broken- like I'm not good enough- or I have messed my life up so much that God has no interest in someone like me! Well- I now believe it is the total opposite! We serve a God that will leave 99 sheep and risk losing them to chase after the ONE that has wandered away! I was that one! And He used events like this to draw me to HImself in a way that would humble me and bring me closer to Him. Are you that one today? Because if you are- you don't have to run to Him and you can't run from Him forever! All you have to do is turn around and acknowledge He's there- because He is always right there behind us! It is us who turns our back on Him...the great news is His love abounds more than our sin ever thought of existing!
I honestly believe that the people on this Earth that have experienced God's forgiveness are able to live in contentment! We may not always be happy in this world or have everything we want or think we need- but there is a constant love and there is a way to be content- even through the rough stuff! How will God use you today- even as you are broken?
Monday, March 5, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Drop your fruit!
This morning at church, our Pastor reminded me of a story that my dad told me long ago. You see, my dad lived in Guana, Africa for 5 years of the younger years of his life. He used to always tell us about the stories he remembers...and I LOVED to hear them! I still do to this day!
I know for me as a teenager, as soon as something "felt good to me", like I was being accepted, or someone was willing to be my friend, I automatically and immediately clung to them because that's what felt right. I knew I NEEDED to cling to something, and for that time, it felt like that's what I needed! So I held on as tight as I could to the warmth of the acceptance and I embraced the comfort of a falsified love that would never go beyond the surface!
The story I was reminded of this morning was the story of the monkey. If you watch monkeys and are ever interested in catching a wild monkey, it is very easy. ( I know you're all thinking you may catch one in your local backyard.... lol) All you have to do is put a small piece of fruit in a jar with an opening only big enough for the monkey to get it's flat hand in and out of and chain it tightly to a grounded tree. Once it grabs hold of the fruit, it's hand can no longer fit through the opening. The monkey now has a fist full of fruit that it can not get out of the jar. That monkey will sit there holding that fruit and possibly sacrifice it's entire being just because it is not willing to let go of the fruit. All it would have to do is drop what's in its hand, and it would be free. but the monkey WILL NOT drop the fruit in order to save its own life!
This is SO true of all of us- me especially at a younger age! I was clinging and grasping and holding onto anything and everything that seemed to be so satisfying- so rewarding- so fresh and sweet- but it was a trap! It was costing me my entire life of JOY and knowledge because I wasn't willing to let it go. All I had to do was GIVE UP. If I would have opened my hands, my heart, and my life and let the "satisfying wants of this world" go that I whole-heartedly thought I "needed", it would be then that I would be freed! Freed from all the guilt, the shame, the pain, and the hurt. My self- image was in that jar and I wasn't letting go!
Years later I dropped the fruit and ran! I ran to my freedom and it was the Cross! I didn't have to cling to anything when I got there either, there was someone there clinging to me- and His name was Jesus! He took me just as I was! He took the things out of my hands that I had been clinging onto and filled my heart with His own Spirit and Joy and Contentment! What I didn't realize was what Pastor Les explained this morning-
"When we cling to the things of this world- we are chained to this world!" Whether those things we cling to are money, fame, acceptance, popularity, sexual desires, drugs, pornography, homosexuality, unforgiveness, greed, bitterness, lust, anything- they all chain us to this world because we are clinging to them in this jar we call life that is chained to the world! The amazing thing is that we all have the choice to let go- but will we let go of what we think we "want" to have that which we truly "need"?
I know for me as a teenager, as soon as something "felt good to me", like I was being accepted, or someone was willing to be my friend, I automatically and immediately clung to them because that's what felt right. I knew I NEEDED to cling to something, and for that time, it felt like that's what I needed! So I held on as tight as I could to the warmth of the acceptance and I embraced the comfort of a falsified love that would never go beyond the surface!
The story I was reminded of this morning was the story of the monkey. If you watch monkeys and are ever interested in catching a wild monkey, it is very easy. ( I know you're all thinking you may catch one in your local backyard.... lol) All you have to do is put a small piece of fruit in a jar with an opening only big enough for the monkey to get it's flat hand in and out of and chain it tightly to a grounded tree. Once it grabs hold of the fruit, it's hand can no longer fit through the opening. The monkey now has a fist full of fruit that it can not get out of the jar. That monkey will sit there holding that fruit and possibly sacrifice it's entire being just because it is not willing to let go of the fruit. All it would have to do is drop what's in its hand, and it would be free. but the monkey WILL NOT drop the fruit in order to save its own life!
This is SO true of all of us- me especially at a younger age! I was clinging and grasping and holding onto anything and everything that seemed to be so satisfying- so rewarding- so fresh and sweet- but it was a trap! It was costing me my entire life of JOY and knowledge because I wasn't willing to let it go. All I had to do was GIVE UP. If I would have opened my hands, my heart, and my life and let the "satisfying wants of this world" go that I whole-heartedly thought I "needed", it would be then that I would be freed! Freed from all the guilt, the shame, the pain, and the hurt. My self- image was in that jar and I wasn't letting go!
Years later I dropped the fruit and ran! I ran to my freedom and it was the Cross! I didn't have to cling to anything when I got there either, there was someone there clinging to me- and His name was Jesus! He took me just as I was! He took the things out of my hands that I had been clinging onto and filled my heart with His own Spirit and Joy and Contentment! What I didn't realize was what Pastor Les explained this morning-
"When we cling to the things of this world- we are chained to this world!" Whether those things we cling to are money, fame, acceptance, popularity, sexual desires, drugs, pornography, homosexuality, unforgiveness, greed, bitterness, lust, anything- they all chain us to this world because we are clinging to them in this jar we call life that is chained to the world! The amazing thing is that we all have the choice to let go- but will we let go of what we think we "want" to have that which we truly "need"?
Saturday, March 3, 2012
If you could do over, would you?
I took a night off from the blog last night because there were tornadoes surrounding our entire state. Apparently everyone thought my house was one of the safest, so my house was the safe haven! I love it! Would have a house full of people every day if I could afford to feed them....;)
So tonight, I went to see "The Vow". It's a movie about a happily married couple that's in a severe car accident and the wife no longer remembers her husband after the incident. The movie is about her husband's journey to making his wife fall in love with him again! I really enjoyed this movie because parts of it reminded me of my own life.
It reminded me that first of all- life is short! Our lives are summed up in a dash! The dash in between two dates on our tombstones. We all will have one. The dates on each tombstone are all different, but the dashes- they're all the same. We are given one life, sometimes multiple chances at that life, but only one life.
It was amazing to me to watch her in this movie. It was interesting how she reverted back to her old way of life before she forgot who she was. She "tried" living that life again- thinking that's who she was...but she ended up living out her life the EXACT way she chose originally- before the accident.
It's ironic to think about this for me. Without the "life- changing" events in our lives, would we be where we are today? What if we had to choose all over again the life which we currently live? Would we choose it?
What if God gave each of us a blank palette and said, "Paint your life the way you want it. You can place any event in there, any riches, any fame, anything! You choose- but I can not guarantee that your choices will lead you the same place I have." If God painted my life abstractly, would I change it to realistic- or vice versa?
After pondering on this idea of total control- which we all think we want, I have concluded that I would choose to hand the blank palette back and say, "Paint an EXACT REPLICA of what you have already done. Do NOT leave out the part where I died, the rape, the divorce, the miscarriage, the tears, the hurt, the pain, the suffering...in fact- take those same events and not only paint them on here, but help me to learn more from them so that this paint drips off onto someone else's palette who needs color. Bring it to life!"
At the end of the day, we are clay. We are the clay that God molds into the image He chooses. We are His sculptures- and it is Him who brings us to life! Are you alive? Or have you become a nothing living in regret and shame and self- pity? Some of the most beautiful pieces of art are created by the scraps- and ALL of our lives have scraps! God tells us that we are a new creation when we allow the Holy Spirit to live in us. He uses the scraps of what we call our own life and he molds it! He sculptures it, He loves it, He cares for it. He paints each creation and calls it His own. He works on it so long and hard that eventually it begins to look like Him.
That is why I wouldn't change "my dash". I want people when I am gone to look at that dash and see no regret, no shame, no self- pity. I want them to look at that dash and see Christ- to see that I relied on God to make the most of my timeline. That I was never perfect, nor ever claimed to be, and actaully failed miserably most of the time, but that is was God who's Glory was shown through this life.
So although I may not remember my few years here on this Earth the way others do, and I may need to be reminded sometimes of events that happened in my life- I will ALWAYS trust that God in control- and rest in the fact that I can mess my entire life up, but I will always revert back to the person He chose for me to be! I think I will choose to let Him lead me so I don't waste time in my dash just to end up where I should have been all along!
So tonight, I went to see "The Vow". It's a movie about a happily married couple that's in a severe car accident and the wife no longer remembers her husband after the incident. The movie is about her husband's journey to making his wife fall in love with him again! I really enjoyed this movie because parts of it reminded me of my own life.
It reminded me that first of all- life is short! Our lives are summed up in a dash! The dash in between two dates on our tombstones. We all will have one. The dates on each tombstone are all different, but the dashes- they're all the same. We are given one life, sometimes multiple chances at that life, but only one life.
It was amazing to me to watch her in this movie. It was interesting how she reverted back to her old way of life before she forgot who she was. She "tried" living that life again- thinking that's who she was...but she ended up living out her life the EXACT way she chose originally- before the accident.
It's ironic to think about this for me. Without the "life- changing" events in our lives, would we be where we are today? What if we had to choose all over again the life which we currently live? Would we choose it?
What if God gave each of us a blank palette and said, "Paint your life the way you want it. You can place any event in there, any riches, any fame, anything! You choose- but I can not guarantee that your choices will lead you the same place I have." If God painted my life abstractly, would I change it to realistic- or vice versa?
After pondering on this idea of total control- which we all think we want, I have concluded that I would choose to hand the blank palette back and say, "Paint an EXACT REPLICA of what you have already done. Do NOT leave out the part where I died, the rape, the divorce, the miscarriage, the tears, the hurt, the pain, the suffering...in fact- take those same events and not only paint them on here, but help me to learn more from them so that this paint drips off onto someone else's palette who needs color. Bring it to life!"
At the end of the day, we are clay. We are the clay that God molds into the image He chooses. We are His sculptures- and it is Him who brings us to life! Are you alive? Or have you become a nothing living in regret and shame and self- pity? Some of the most beautiful pieces of art are created by the scraps- and ALL of our lives have scraps! God tells us that we are a new creation when we allow the Holy Spirit to live in us. He uses the scraps of what we call our own life and he molds it! He sculptures it, He loves it, He cares for it. He paints each creation and calls it His own. He works on it so long and hard that eventually it begins to look like Him.
That is why I wouldn't change "my dash". I want people when I am gone to look at that dash and see no regret, no shame, no self- pity. I want them to look at that dash and see Christ- to see that I relied on God to make the most of my timeline. That I was never perfect, nor ever claimed to be, and actaully failed miserably most of the time, but that is was God who's Glory was shown through this life.
So although I may not remember my few years here on this Earth the way others do, and I may need to be reminded sometimes of events that happened in my life- I will ALWAYS trust that God in control- and rest in the fact that I can mess my entire life up, but I will always revert back to the person He chose for me to be! I think I will choose to let Him lead me so I don't waste time in my dash just to end up where I should have been all along!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Want a rainbow today?
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, No pain- no gain... life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it! These are all great things to ponder!
I felt like I was living a double life! At school, I was perceived as this girl who was available for anything guys wished for. At home, I was guilty and ashamed, but at church- I WAS ALIVE! It was like it was raining all day every day and I got to see a beautiful rainbow every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night! The only thing that got me through those rainy days was to know how beautiful the rainbow was going to be!
I won't forget my boyfriend through High School. He was from South Africa and he told me over and over how much of an "All-American" girl I was. That when they were living in South Africa, there was a stereo-type that everyone had of an American Girl. He said I fit that image to a tee! I used to love hearing that. To me, that was a huge rainbow because it was just about the only thing I heard from someone my age that meant I was something more than what was expected.
People tell me I am so "mature for my age". Well, thanks for calling me young- that's starting to sound better and better each year! But I will say maturity doesn't come without hardship. You find me an 18 year old that respects their parents, chooses to prioritize their life, confides in God, and is humble- and I will show you someone who has dealt with a little rain.
On the flip side, you show me an arrogant teenager, expecting the world to hand them all their desires because they think they deserve them, disrespects their parents, has a temper, and flaunts every good thing about themselves- and I will show you a cloud that will never produce a rainbow! It will remain dull forever and light will not reflect.
You see, the reason a rainbow shows color is because it is a reflection of the sun's lightrays beaming off of the water. Without the sun, there is no rainbow because there is no light- only gloom. Its the same way with our lives. If there is no SON, Jesus, to reflect light off of our rainy days, we are living in gloom. The days will remain dark and gloomy...the rain clouds will hover over us like Eeyore, and we will live in a dark world of self- pity and shame. BUT, when we let the SON shine His love on us, it doesn't just shine on us, it shines through us and we become a beautiful rainbow of His own reflection- and people see Christ and His love through our rain!
So when we have bad days, those rainy days - the ones with alot of pain and hardship, search for the lightsource! Seek Jesus, the light, and before long, you will see a rainbow!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
We all need a Counselor!
God has many names- Abba, Father, Healer, Soild Rock, My Foundation, Emmanuel- to me- God is my Counselor! Going through my bad day and the ones that followed it, there was no one for me to talk to about my feelings. No one to vent to so to speak...not without being killed.
My escape from this life was always youth group. I learned to love the people there and actually made some lifelong friends, which for me was very new because we had always moved so much, I was used to friends coming and going. I mean, even the word fri[end] ends with "end". Once my relationship with God began, I would pray all day for wisdom and that He would teach me what love is. Since I was told, "I love you" while being raped, you can only imagine my idea of love and how warped it must have been! Even my parents noticed a difference at home. We had this routine of kissing my parents on the cheek and saying, "love you goodnight, see you in the morning". I stopped doing this.
I remember my mom asking me one time, "Misty, do you not love us anymore?" I replied very sure, "No, I don't". Because in my mind, love hurt. I wanted as far away from love as I could get. But I was confused. "God is love"...????? That made NO sense to me whatsoever. I mean, how could love be a good thing? Everyone was talking about God's love being all these good things at church and here I am doing everything I can to avoid this 4 letter word!
God had His way with me, and for that I am grateful! I began a Bible study workbook at church called "Experiening God" and it lead me through my Bible to passages that explained WHO GOD IS AND WHAT HIS LOVE IS! When I read this in my Bible, I wanted it immediately.! I wanted this kind of love. I began to understand that the "love" that was demonstrated to me while being raped was in fact not love at all.
I read Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Ah ha! God didn't want or need me to be blamless, to be pure, to be perfect, or righteous to die for me. He showed me that night for the first time what love is. He laid down his own life for me and didn't wait for me to deserve it. No- he did it "while I was still sinning."
I remember Brad telling me one time, "Misty, if you were the only person on Earth, Christ still would've died...." WOW....but its the truth! He died for every single one of us- no matter how unworthy we are! There was only ONE person worthy of that death that could pay for our sins, and that was Jesus because it had to be a perfect sacrifice! And since he was the only perfect person, His number was called and He followed through...took ALL our sin on Him, even while we were still sinning, and DIED! Not an easy "die in your sleep" kinda death- no He suffered, bled, was beaten, and willfully died the worst imaginable death of all- for me and for you! It was that day I began to TRUST GOD!
As each day passed, He was the one I talked to about everything. I have books and books of journal entries and prayers and confessions that only God has seen to this day! Somedays I think back and almost blame the people around me for not putting me in some kind of counseling... ( I was pretty messed up emotionally- that was obvious). But no one ever offered because I denied that anything was wrong...only out of fear of being killed. Inside I was dying to tell everyone because I wanted it to be over!
I woke up with God every morning and went to school with Him every day. I went home with Him on the bus and I slept next to Him at night! He held my hand every where I went! He does to this day! I told Him everything!!! I mean everything! And I never heard His audible voice, but I can tell you there were moments I honestly beleive I felt His arms around me, holding me close to Him, telling me to trust Him. At some of the really low points, I can almost still feel Him holding my head to his chest like a child- just holding me. That was all I needed...There wasn't a moment He left me. Sometimes I would catch myself straying away, and all I had to do was turn around and there He was. There were nights I cried out to Him more than I ever could have opened up in a counselors' office. I yelled at him, I cursed His name- I told Him if this was His idea of love- I didn't want it. I told Him everyhing- I blamed Him at times, and I begged for Him to show me His purpose for the bad things in my life. The way I look at not being in professional counseling on this Earth is that I was held back from that to receive the wise counsel from God Himself! One on one- 24 hrs a day- 7 days a week! What He knew that I didn't was my idea of love is not His idea of love. And so the teaching began.
God answered my prayers little by little. Life wasn't easy by any means at this point, but at least I had a friend. I had a reason to live. I had life inside of me- even if no one else could see it.
I tell my kids to this day what I heard from Brad one night at church. He was telling us not to "flaunt" our faith...that when we belong to God- our lives should show it- that we shouldn't have to walk up to someone and tell them we are a child of God. His exact words were,
"What you do in the quiet of your room when no one else is looking- everyone will see it!" He was meaning that the more one on one time we spend alone with God and His Word in the quietness of our rooms, the more our lives will reflect His will and His mercy and grace- and THAT my friends is what sets up apart from this world! If its true " we are who we hang out with", and I want to be more like Jesus, wouldn't it make sense to hang out with Him more? So I started reading His Word, the Bible, more and more. Instead of just crying to Him or yelling at Him, or blaming others, I would dive into His Word and just read! He tells us His Word never returns void, and there are passages I have read at least 5,000 times, and each time I read it, God reveals something new to me!
I will forever be grateful for the Counselor I have in God! No matter what happens, He listens. He won't screen your call or tell you what you want to hear. He doesn't sugar coat things, and He will always be consistent. His love NEVER fails! He has conquered the evil in our lives and He has conquered the grave! He wants us more than we want Him. He wants to love us more than we know how to love Him. When we are in the depths of our sin, its His hand who reaches in. No- He doesn't wait for us to crawl out and take a shower- He reaches His hand in and pulls us OUT! He washes us in His blood- He cleans us and purifies us! He makes us into HIS OWN IMAGE!
Everyone needs and wants a friend they can TRUST! Do you know my friend? His name is Jesus! He lives locally- no matter where you are! You don't even have to have a messaging plan to find Him. You don't have to pray to anyone to get to Him- His name is Jesus. Just call His name, and He will answer! He tells us, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8.
No matter how hard your life is right now, no matter what you are going through, no matter how alone you are- if you are suffering with marital problems, parenting issues, death surrounding you, divorce, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, sex addiction, suicidal thoughts- ANYTHING! There is FREE counseling available! It is God Himself- the Creator of the entire universe. I know He is a wonderful counselor! I know because I am one of His patients! He is an ORGANIC healer too- He uses all natural medicine such as Love, mercy, grace, and ultimately He sacrificed His own blood to HEAL us! It's time for your daily dose- so wake up, sit up, and get on the list to be seen by the Might Counselor today! He has an appointment available right now- you don't even have to wait on someone to cancel! What do you need to talk to God about today?
My escape from this life was always youth group. I learned to love the people there and actually made some lifelong friends, which for me was very new because we had always moved so much, I was used to friends coming and going. I mean, even the word fri[end] ends with "end". Once my relationship with God began, I would pray all day for wisdom and that He would teach me what love is. Since I was told, "I love you" while being raped, you can only imagine my idea of love and how warped it must have been! Even my parents noticed a difference at home. We had this routine of kissing my parents on the cheek and saying, "love you goodnight, see you in the morning". I stopped doing this.
I remember my mom asking me one time, "Misty, do you not love us anymore?" I replied very sure, "No, I don't". Because in my mind, love hurt. I wanted as far away from love as I could get. But I was confused. "God is love"...????? That made NO sense to me whatsoever. I mean, how could love be a good thing? Everyone was talking about God's love being all these good things at church and here I am doing everything I can to avoid this 4 letter word!
God had His way with me, and for that I am grateful! I began a Bible study workbook at church called "Experiening God" and it lead me through my Bible to passages that explained WHO GOD IS AND WHAT HIS LOVE IS! When I read this in my Bible, I wanted it immediately.! I wanted this kind of love. I began to understand that the "love" that was demonstrated to me while being raped was in fact not love at all.
I read Romans 5:8, "But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Ah ha! God didn't want or need me to be blamless, to be pure, to be perfect, or righteous to die for me. He showed me that night for the first time what love is. He laid down his own life for me and didn't wait for me to deserve it. No- he did it "while I was still sinning."
I remember Brad telling me one time, "Misty, if you were the only person on Earth, Christ still would've died...." WOW....but its the truth! He died for every single one of us- no matter how unworthy we are! There was only ONE person worthy of that death that could pay for our sins, and that was Jesus because it had to be a perfect sacrifice! And since he was the only perfect person, His number was called and He followed through...took ALL our sin on Him, even while we were still sinning, and DIED! Not an easy "die in your sleep" kinda death- no He suffered, bled, was beaten, and willfully died the worst imaginable death of all- for me and for you! It was that day I began to TRUST GOD!
As each day passed, He was the one I talked to about everything. I have books and books of journal entries and prayers and confessions that only God has seen to this day! Somedays I think back and almost blame the people around me for not putting me in some kind of counseling... ( I was pretty messed up emotionally- that was obvious). But no one ever offered because I denied that anything was wrong...only out of fear of being killed. Inside I was dying to tell everyone because I wanted it to be over!
I woke up with God every morning and went to school with Him every day. I went home with Him on the bus and I slept next to Him at night! He held my hand every where I went! He does to this day! I told Him everything!!! I mean everything! And I never heard His audible voice, but I can tell you there were moments I honestly beleive I felt His arms around me, holding me close to Him, telling me to trust Him. At some of the really low points, I can almost still feel Him holding my head to his chest like a child- just holding me. That was all I needed...There wasn't a moment He left me. Sometimes I would catch myself straying away, and all I had to do was turn around and there He was. There were nights I cried out to Him more than I ever could have opened up in a counselors' office. I yelled at him, I cursed His name- I told Him if this was His idea of love- I didn't want it. I told Him everyhing- I blamed Him at times, and I begged for Him to show me His purpose for the bad things in my life. The way I look at not being in professional counseling on this Earth is that I was held back from that to receive the wise counsel from God Himself! One on one- 24 hrs a day- 7 days a week! What He knew that I didn't was my idea of love is not His idea of love. And so the teaching began.
God answered my prayers little by little. Life wasn't easy by any means at this point, but at least I had a friend. I had a reason to live. I had life inside of me- even if no one else could see it.
I tell my kids to this day what I heard from Brad one night at church. He was telling us not to "flaunt" our faith...that when we belong to God- our lives should show it- that we shouldn't have to walk up to someone and tell them we are a child of God. His exact words were,
"What you do in the quiet of your room when no one else is looking- everyone will see it!" He was meaning that the more one on one time we spend alone with God and His Word in the quietness of our rooms, the more our lives will reflect His will and His mercy and grace- and THAT my friends is what sets up apart from this world! If its true " we are who we hang out with", and I want to be more like Jesus, wouldn't it make sense to hang out with Him more? So I started reading His Word, the Bible, more and more. Instead of just crying to Him or yelling at Him, or blaming others, I would dive into His Word and just read! He tells us His Word never returns void, and there are passages I have read at least 5,000 times, and each time I read it, God reveals something new to me!
I will forever be grateful for the Counselor I have in God! No matter what happens, He listens. He won't screen your call or tell you what you want to hear. He doesn't sugar coat things, and He will always be consistent. His love NEVER fails! He has conquered the evil in our lives and He has conquered the grave! He wants us more than we want Him. He wants to love us more than we know how to love Him. When we are in the depths of our sin, its His hand who reaches in. No- He doesn't wait for us to crawl out and take a shower- He reaches His hand in and pulls us OUT! He washes us in His blood- He cleans us and purifies us! He makes us into HIS OWN IMAGE!
Everyone needs and wants a friend they can TRUST! Do you know my friend? His name is Jesus! He lives locally- no matter where you are! You don't even have to have a messaging plan to find Him. You don't have to pray to anyone to get to Him- His name is Jesus. Just call His name, and He will answer! He tells us, "Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." Matthew 7:7-8.
No matter how hard your life is right now, no matter what you are going through, no matter how alone you are- if you are suffering with marital problems, parenting issues, death surrounding you, divorce, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, drug and alcohol addiction, sex addiction, suicidal thoughts- ANYTHING! There is FREE counseling available! It is God Himself- the Creator of the entire universe. I know He is a wonderful counselor! I know because I am one of His patients! He is an ORGANIC healer too- He uses all natural medicine such as Love, mercy, grace, and ultimately He sacrificed His own blood to HEAL us! It's time for your daily dose- so wake up, sit up, and get on the list to be seen by the Might Counselor today! He has an appointment available right now- you don't even have to wait on someone to cancel! What do you need to talk to God about today?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Stop Running, Start Jogging!
Today has been crazy! Trying to keep up with the ever-changing economy in the mortgage business- enough said! I love what I do for a living, but to be honest- I can't wait to get home to see how many people are viewing my blog! I'm starting to enjoy talking to you people out in cyberspace. Sometimes it feels like a one way conversation, but I hope there are some out there that are seeing The hope of this world is not IN this world!
"I am a runner". My sister commented on my "Bad Day" post, and tears fell down my cheeks as I read these words. I am a runner too. I have run from my problems my entire life. When I got into high school, every time I had a boyfriend that did the smallest thing that hurt me, I ran from it. I would trade him for a new one. If a friend hurt me, I would find new friends. If I felt like I was getting ready to be hurt emotionally- or dissapointed- I RAN. I would have rather hurt them then be hurt. This has carried over into my adult life and I am just now understanding this about me. I didn't know I was running while I was running. I thought I was "living up to my standards". What I was doing was holding grudges, burning bridges, and not showing others the forgiveness God had shown to me!
I had a boyfriend all through high school that I REALLY loved! Those of you that know him, please keep him anonymous... I regretted running from him for years after we broke up. He was my first true love. He understood me, he knew me, and (maybe) he loved me too, but I ran! I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I finally became so selfish in the relationship that I drove him away. God had other plans for both of us, and I am thankful for God placing him in my life as the first example of what a godly man and friend looked like. He was truly the first guy I actaully trusted since the bad day.
I have learned someting in my adult life- actually in the past 2 years....You can't love and not be vulnerable. When you love someone, you will be hurt. When love is involved in ANY relationship, sacrifices will have to be made, changes will have to be endured, and forgiveness will be crucial!
I am also a runner- physically. I LOVE to run! When I am running, I think. It's my time alone with God, its my time I analyze my life and my self and who I am and what I am becoming. All while burning those dreadful calories that tend to stick more when you hit 30 ;)
I titled this blog "stop running, start jogging" because of this...at some point I had to stop running. There are many more times in my life I have run when I should have endured and I will certainly share those in future posts and how it turned out for me, but now- instead of running from my problems, I jog on the ground. I clear my mind in prayer while running. Instead of sitting at home and crying about it, or re-doing the very thing that hurt, I get outside, and I jog! So instead of allowing my heart to run emotionally, I allow my feet to jog in rythym with the sound of God's living word! His Word is active too!
I wrote a piece when I was 14 that describes the way I felt about myself. The way I didn't understand why I would keep going back to the things I knew would hurt me. I will try to find this piece and put it in a later post. Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." NIV
So if you're a runner like me (emotionally) stop running, and start SOMETHING! Find something you love to do that just involves you and when you feel yourself starting to run from yourself- run with yourself to freedom- freedom fom being a slave to your sin, to a life of freedom in Christ! He is our only freedom from ourselves and our desire to run! Who wants to go jogging?
"I am a runner". My sister commented on my "Bad Day" post, and tears fell down my cheeks as I read these words. I am a runner too. I have run from my problems my entire life. When I got into high school, every time I had a boyfriend that did the smallest thing that hurt me, I ran from it. I would trade him for a new one. If a friend hurt me, I would find new friends. If I felt like I was getting ready to be hurt emotionally- or dissapointed- I RAN. I would have rather hurt them then be hurt. This has carried over into my adult life and I am just now understanding this about me. I didn't know I was running while I was running. I thought I was "living up to my standards". What I was doing was holding grudges, burning bridges, and not showing others the forgiveness God had shown to me!
I had a boyfriend all through high school that I REALLY loved! Those of you that know him, please keep him anonymous... I regretted running from him for years after we broke up. He was my first true love. He understood me, he knew me, and (maybe) he loved me too, but I ran! I was afraid of being hurt. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I finally became so selfish in the relationship that I drove him away. God had other plans for both of us, and I am thankful for God placing him in my life as the first example of what a godly man and friend looked like. He was truly the first guy I actaully trusted since the bad day.
I have learned someting in my adult life- actually in the past 2 years....You can't love and not be vulnerable. When you love someone, you will be hurt. When love is involved in ANY relationship, sacrifices will have to be made, changes will have to be endured, and forgiveness will be crucial!
I am also a runner- physically. I LOVE to run! When I am running, I think. It's my time alone with God, its my time I analyze my life and my self and who I am and what I am becoming. All while burning those dreadful calories that tend to stick more when you hit 30 ;)
I titled this blog "stop running, start jogging" because of this...at some point I had to stop running. There are many more times in my life I have run when I should have endured and I will certainly share those in future posts and how it turned out for me, but now- instead of running from my problems, I jog on the ground. I clear my mind in prayer while running. Instead of sitting at home and crying about it, or re-doing the very thing that hurt, I get outside, and I jog! So instead of allowing my heart to run emotionally, I allow my feet to jog in rythym with the sound of God's living word! His Word is active too!
I wrote a piece when I was 14 that describes the way I felt about myself. The way I didn't understand why I would keep going back to the things I knew would hurt me. I will try to find this piece and put it in a later post. Romans 7:15 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." NIV
So if you're a runner like me (emotionally) stop running, and start SOMETHING! Find something you love to do that just involves you and when you feel yourself starting to run from yourself- run with yourself to freedom- freedom fom being a slave to your sin, to a life of freedom in Christ! He is our only freedom from ourselves and our desire to run! Who wants to go jogging?
Monday, February 27, 2012
There is ONE Redeemer!
Today I was thinking about yesterday's post ALL day. I couldn't stop thinking about that day. And it wasn't in a way you are imagining. I thought yesterday was going to be so hard to write, and it was while I was writing it, but today- I felt even more freed from it! God is STILL at work in my life and He continues to bless me. I was thinking today about how I am SO thankful for what God has allowed to happen to me- even this...
For whithout this event- I wouldn't be the person I am today...it hasn't been an easy road, and no-one ever said it was going to be easy, they only said it was going to be worth it!
As soon as my parents chose a church for us, they basically dropped us off at the door. Our first event was a UK hockey game! My sister and I balled our eyes out because niether of us wanted to be there- AT ALL! We knew absolutely no one and we were watching people get shoved up against the wall in pain, we were freezing our tails off and who wants to be somewhere they don't want to be?
We sat together the entire night and hardly talked to anyone. Everyone was nice and introduced themselves, but we were so not there mentally. We had to be there because mom and dad dropped us off at the door and we had no where else to go!
That is the night I met my youth minister, Brad. I guess I won't mention his last name, but I will love this man forever for taking me under his wing. I needed a wing to heal under, to guard me from the world and its evilness that surrounded me.
I had an evil living in me now- and it was my own guilt and shame. I didn't have any peace at all. I hated people, trusted no one, and hated when people asked me questions because I had NO ANSWER! I shut down. I was depressed- I hated myself. I was only 11!
By then, 6th grade had started and we all know teenagers gossip, right? Can we all admit that? It seemed like everyone was looking at me like I was the only one in color or something. Everyone knew I "lost my virginity" over the summer. Parents advised their children not to be friends with me because I was a bad influence. So who was left? Yep, you guessed it...the bad kids. well, I mean, you're either good or bad right? Not really an in between. I clung onto the first thing that would accept me the way I was and that was the people who understood me- the people that were "like me" in everyone else's eyes. Even some of the "good guys" would offer me their lunch money to do sexual favors, and even by rejecting them all, the shame and guilt grew inside- it was a constant reminder of my outward appearance.
Brad later taught me a saying I won't forget; " You lie with dogs, you get fleas". "you are who you hang out with". "If you want to know what you look like to those around you, look at your friends."
OUCH! That wasn't very pretty!
I was making bad decisions. The only definition of love I had was from the guy who raped me. Have you ever heard of the people that are in abusive relationships that stay because that's all they know? You would ask them, "If you're so miserable, why do you stay?", that was me. I hated the crowd I was in- but it was the only place I felt accepted- so I stayed. For 3 years I stayed and for 3 years I got hurt worse. I had sex willingly after that a few times because I honestly thought that if I was going to be in trouble for it, I might as well do it. (doesn't make a whole lot of sense now, but it did at 11 and 12.) For that moment, I would feel wanted. No one cared in my mind anyway. I hope you understand how hard this is for me to tell you...I know some people reading this will never understand why I am doing this- but I know ONE who does! Hopefully this will reach the people who need to hear that YOUR PURITY CAN BE RESTORED!!! I know a Redeemer and He is the Only One who is worthy of Redeeming you! His name is Jesus. You see, there was a day when I was 14, Nov 14 to be exact. I was listening to a couple talk to our class about sexual immorality and purity. How keeping yourself pure is so important to your marriage..(Song of Solomon) and how we are worthy of Redemption in God's eyes. They read from God's Word, the Bible- that God can and wants to restore our purity- that from that point on, my purity could be restored! Thats what I had wanted since the day it was taken from me!
I began to learn that our self-image can not come from what others think about us- 1 Samuel 16:7 tells us that man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. I wanted to be accepted as ME and for my heart and for the truth. At that point in my life, I just wanted to be loved- and I didnt even know what that really looked like. I just knew something was missing, and this was it! God filled the void in my heart and He continues to fill the void today!
I am grateful for being dropped off at church. Guys- I seriously believe I wouldn't be alive today if God had not reached down and pulled me out of that crowd! Only God and me knew the danger I was in! There were drugs and guns and murders all around me. There was evil and dark places not many knew of. There were bad things happening to good people all the time.
If this is you, or someone you know- there is a way out! I want to share with you how God restores your soul- your desires- your love and passion for things that are not of this world! I want you to love yourself! All teenage girls are planning their weddings in their mind- and that is wonderful and dreamy, but which ones are planning their marriages? Which ones are in love with the idea of getting married in a beautiful gown in front of all their loved ones, and how many teenage girls are in love or even know the men they are about to marry? Folks- marriage these days is sadly not about the marriage and the covenant between man and woman as it was created- it is about wanting out- wanting a "new life", our "own life", some place we can make our own rules, be loved and held and carressed...I can not stress enough how important it is to love yourself and be content with being single! NO ONE WILL EVER ACCEPT YOU THE WAY GOD DOES! Not even your spouse! No one person will ever fill your needs, and you can not fill anyone else's. No one is perfect, and everyone will dissapoint you. Your spouse will hurt you in one way or another. I promise. Our society is taught to RUN! We are taught to forgive. And Jesus Redeems!
For whithout this event- I wouldn't be the person I am today...it hasn't been an easy road, and no-one ever said it was going to be easy, they only said it was going to be worth it!
As soon as my parents chose a church for us, they basically dropped us off at the door. Our first event was a UK hockey game! My sister and I balled our eyes out because niether of us wanted to be there- AT ALL! We knew absolutely no one and we were watching people get shoved up against the wall in pain, we were freezing our tails off and who wants to be somewhere they don't want to be?
We sat together the entire night and hardly talked to anyone. Everyone was nice and introduced themselves, but we were so not there mentally. We had to be there because mom and dad dropped us off at the door and we had no where else to go!
That is the night I met my youth minister, Brad. I guess I won't mention his last name, but I will love this man forever for taking me under his wing. I needed a wing to heal under, to guard me from the world and its evilness that surrounded me.
I had an evil living in me now- and it was my own guilt and shame. I didn't have any peace at all. I hated people, trusted no one, and hated when people asked me questions because I had NO ANSWER! I shut down. I was depressed- I hated myself. I was only 11!
By then, 6th grade had started and we all know teenagers gossip, right? Can we all admit that? It seemed like everyone was looking at me like I was the only one in color or something. Everyone knew I "lost my virginity" over the summer. Parents advised their children not to be friends with me because I was a bad influence. So who was left? Yep, you guessed it...the bad kids. well, I mean, you're either good or bad right? Not really an in between. I clung onto the first thing that would accept me the way I was and that was the people who understood me- the people that were "like me" in everyone else's eyes. Even some of the "good guys" would offer me their lunch money to do sexual favors, and even by rejecting them all, the shame and guilt grew inside- it was a constant reminder of my outward appearance.
Brad later taught me a saying I won't forget; " You lie with dogs, you get fleas". "you are who you hang out with". "If you want to know what you look like to those around you, look at your friends."
OUCH! That wasn't very pretty!
I was making bad decisions. The only definition of love I had was from the guy who raped me. Have you ever heard of the people that are in abusive relationships that stay because that's all they know? You would ask them, "If you're so miserable, why do you stay?", that was me. I hated the crowd I was in- but it was the only place I felt accepted- so I stayed. For 3 years I stayed and for 3 years I got hurt worse. I had sex willingly after that a few times because I honestly thought that if I was going to be in trouble for it, I might as well do it. (doesn't make a whole lot of sense now, but it did at 11 and 12.) For that moment, I would feel wanted. No one cared in my mind anyway. I hope you understand how hard this is for me to tell you...I know some people reading this will never understand why I am doing this- but I know ONE who does! Hopefully this will reach the people who need to hear that YOUR PURITY CAN BE RESTORED!!! I know a Redeemer and He is the Only One who is worthy of Redeeming you! His name is Jesus. You see, there was a day when I was 14, Nov 14 to be exact. I was listening to a couple talk to our class about sexual immorality and purity. How keeping yourself pure is so important to your marriage..(Song of Solomon) and how we are worthy of Redemption in God's eyes. They read from God's Word, the Bible- that God can and wants to restore our purity- that from that point on, my purity could be restored! Thats what I had wanted since the day it was taken from me!
I began to learn that our self-image can not come from what others think about us- 1 Samuel 16:7 tells us that man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. I wanted to be accepted as ME and for my heart and for the truth. At that point in my life, I just wanted to be loved- and I didnt even know what that really looked like. I just knew something was missing, and this was it! God filled the void in my heart and He continues to fill the void today!
I am grateful for being dropped off at church. Guys- I seriously believe I wouldn't be alive today if God had not reached down and pulled me out of that crowd! Only God and me knew the danger I was in! There were drugs and guns and murders all around me. There was evil and dark places not many knew of. There were bad things happening to good people all the time.
If this is you, or someone you know- there is a way out! I want to share with you how God restores your soul- your desires- your love and passion for things that are not of this world! I want you to love yourself! All teenage girls are planning their weddings in their mind- and that is wonderful and dreamy, but which ones are planning their marriages? Which ones are in love with the idea of getting married in a beautiful gown in front of all their loved ones, and how many teenage girls are in love or even know the men they are about to marry? Folks- marriage these days is sadly not about the marriage and the covenant between man and woman as it was created- it is about wanting out- wanting a "new life", our "own life", some place we can make our own rules, be loved and held and carressed...I can not stress enough how important it is to love yourself and be content with being single! NO ONE WILL EVER ACCEPT YOU THE WAY GOD DOES! Not even your spouse! No one person will ever fill your needs, and you can not fill anyone else's. No one is perfect, and everyone will dissapoint you. Your spouse will hurt you in one way or another. I promise. Our society is taught to RUN! We are taught to forgive. And Jesus Redeems!
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