Excuse me for forgiving...

After I decided to forgive the man who raped me, I was able to begin living in a free state of mind with which I actually felt as if I could breathe. Even though I thought about my life being threatened constantly, I thought of the forgiveness more.  That is ultimately how I overcame the hate I had towards this man and the ones who threatened me.  It was not writing about it, crying about it, singing, painting, or anything else for that matter- it was forgiving him.  It was forgiving me! I do believe that the majority of people who are attacked, whether sexually or physically, at some point or another, blame themselves for being in the situation.  It isn't our fault! It becomes our fault when we are unable to forgive.  It took me years for my eyes to be opened to this!  Here is a prayer I wrote about 4 years ago,

"Father, you are a jealous God, and I want to please you in my relationships with men!  I want to be forgiving of the sin that arouses bad choices.  I don’t want to make you jealous, I don’t want a man to take your place!  Father, help me to understand the simpleness of love.  Time after time you have answered my prayers about teaching me love and I have only you to thank for my wisdom about Godly love.  Now, Father, teach me to forgive.  I don’t know which direction I am headed, but I do know one thing and that is I am only headed in your direction! I do not wish to follow my own path, for I know that I would fall and only demons would lead me on.  For if I follow Your will, I will surely fly with wings like eagles, and meet you in the heavenly realms!  I want to fly, I want to be free, to be real, to be loved, and to be in love with Your desires!" 

Over the years, many people have told me I am too forgiving, often times calling it naive!  I would argue that I am not naive- I fully comprehend the sin around me, I only choose to let it go.  I do not hold on to guilt, shame, hurt, or self-pity.  If someone wrongs me, I am able to forgive them not because I want to or think they deserve it, but because I know and have had the blessing of being forgiven even when I didn't deserve it!

I wrote the following piece not long after the divorce I went through which I will touch on later in my posts.  The "green" refers to having money.  I had prayed for a long time to understand love- I still pray to this day for God to reveal His love to me so that I may be able to show His love to others around me.  As I grew in His understanding of love, I also grew in my passion for a spouse.  I was a single mom of a boy (5) and a girl (4) when I wrote this...There are choices we make in life that will effect the rest of it!  This is what I wrote:

"There’s a longing inside that longs to be free.  Free to be loved, caressed, perhaps even persuaded.  I want to see the truth.  I want to feel the real in someone other than myself.  To be green or to be fulfilled.  To possess all, yet content in nothing, my soul will not comprehend.  One thing I will tolerate-submitting to one who submits to Almighty God.  To have standards I have a hard time attaining.  Being challenged in my walk with ABBA, Father, the King of Kings.  One that holds me accountable to the royal position I possess. 

Where shall he dwell?  Where is he now?  My mind shall not fathom those answers, for if I knew, I could not attain.  My heart needs molded, my tongue needs tamed, my life needs healed, and my heart to be guarded. 

At what point do I stop?  Stop the nonsense of trying to fulfill this man with men instead of the One Man who is also God Himself?  Why do we want this worldly imperfect love?  Why do we act as if His love is not enough? It is!  Love Himself is in love with us, yet we chase the dream of feeling loved!  With no need to chase, it chases us, we must only stop to allow it to retrieve the heart is so deeply desires to call His own!  We are constantly on our Lover’s mind, we are in His every thought, and HE has written us more love letters than we could ever fathom to understand the depth of His love!  Each time we read from His Word, it shows us another aspect of His Grace!  Not only does He know we are beautiful, but He touches us gently with His hand and His will so to reflect the heart of His Own!  He gives Himself unselfishly, knowing we will crave the attention He gives us, and hoping we will DESIRE TO KNOW HIM MORE!  To give that love on and on, because we feel the TRUTH of it!  With a love that TRUE and Noble, He knew we would want to share it, and so that is why we search this earth for the one we want to call “spouse”.  We crave the relationship of Christ with His bride.  We want to physically touch another the way Christ has touched our lives, and the gift of marriage is what God offers as the only comparison between Christ and His bride!  We are His people, and we want one person to call our own! Not to possess the other, or control our lives, but to share the love that has been so graciously given us through the blood of Christ Himself!"

What is it about our lives that we think God honestly can not handle? Do we assume He created these things called love and forgiveness and threw them to us like a grenade, and said, "Here, figure it out!"

NO- "He demonstrated His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) He gave us the ultimate example of what love is and what forgiveness entails! We all have all these questions and desires that sometimes make no sense, but we have forgotten that we have a love letter (and its the best I've ever read) in the mailbox!  Will you read the love letter God sent to you?  It's His Word and its real!  People on this Earth will dissapoint you and let you down, hurt you, and sometimes even portray to be someone they're not!  Don't be ashamed of being loved by the One who created Love itself!  Love Him back and Love Him boldly- it's a beautiful place to know you have the BEST lover of all time!  It definitely leaves NO ROOM for jealousy or room for regret!  Go on- release the fear of loving- let go- dive in- and be loved by Your Creator! He's the Best Lover you will ever have- and He promises a never ending relationship that ends in "Happily Ever After"!  Goodnight my royal siblings!