He loves me, he loves me not...

Looking back on the time before I was married to my first husband, I often wonder if I was married because I was in love with the idea of being married, and not necessarily in love with the person I was going to marry...did I even know the man I was about to submit the rest of my entire life to? Did I understand the commitment that was going to be involved?  Sure I understood what size clothes he wore, how he brushed his teeth, the quirky little things I liked about him, but did I really understand his heart? Did we have the same viewpoints?  Did we even talk about those things? Sure some conversations might have come up, but were the real questions asked?

At what point was it going to be worth leaving my parents house? To spend forever with someone else? Was it going to be worth what lie ahead, or was it going to be something that I would regret? I didn't even think about those things!  We did attend marriage counseling and we did have financial counseling.  We were told that the bills were gonna add up, kids were gonna cost money, we may squeeze the toothpaste differently... sure we understood that, and we actually balanced those disagreements very well, but what I was not prepared for and what I did not understand and what I was naive about was the fact that marrying another human being and giving my life over to him not only was it going to be hard, but it would also define who I'd allow myself to be. 

I could never be me...I could never be myself. I remember growing up-my parents always did the best they could with the knowledge they had, and I thank them dearly for the parents they were- but I have learned something in my adult life that I would love to pass on to my children...that is this-

When you are out there searching for someone to marry- I remember being told to make a list about the other person- the good vs the bad- if the good outweighs the bad, maybe you shouldn't break up with them, maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt- or something like that, but what I have discovered in my years of dating and being married and being divorced is this-

Instead of writing a list of good vs bad on the other person, you write a list of who you are- the things you will not give up- here's an example;

I love God
I love to laugh
to run
to be outside
to give myself in hospitality
to share my things with the needy
I love children
I love to be giddy sometimes
I will always say what I mean- and will not hold back
I will not cheat
I will not lie
I will not steal

When you are done with that list and can sit back and look at that list- something that's going to make a difference in the person you marry and even spend the time dating is this- Can you be the person on this list when you are with the other person?

It doesn't matter how great the other person is- they could be the best person on earth to someone else, but if you can not be yourself when you are with that person, then you can not be free to be the person God created, and that will never allow you to have a successful marriage!

I knew I wasn't always going to be happy.  I knew there would be ups and downs and challenges, but there was a person trapped in side of me I could not be.  Out of respect for my ex, I will not share in detail the things that dissolved our marriage publicly on here, but I will say this:

In any divorce, there are two people who sin, not just one.  The wrong that I did I will admit.  I know the wrong he did and this blog is not about him, so I will talk about that.  I will say it caused alot of pain in our marriage, and alot of grief and idolatry, and yes, it hurt! But tonight, I will only talk of what I did wrong and the way I could've helped and the things that I will not do again-

My parents were married for 29 years .  I grew up knowing I belonged to a wonderful family.  No my childhood, as you know, has not been ideal, it wasn't one would look upon in jealousy, but I knew I had a great family.  Inwardly and in my heart, I knew my parents loved me.  Sometimes I didn't feel like it and other times I wouldn't admit I knew it, but in my heart, I knew it! I knew I was accepted now matter what.  My dad was one of those dads that would play basketball with us everyday, and my friends loved that he was always involved (maybe if just to keep an eye on me, I'm not sure) but regardless, he was there! I loved that part of my childhood! But when they surprisingly divorced after 29 years of marriage, I was an adult with two children of my own.  I had felt like I had worked very hard on my family.  I had relied alot upon my self to keep my family together over the years and to make them have a reason to stay together.  I never blamed myself for their divorce, but as any child would, I felt like maybe I could help them not get a divorce- so I tried!  I would listen to my mom, and to my dad, and to each side, and I would do everything I could to help them stay focused on each other.  In doing that, I avoided the problems I had in my own marriage! And the time that I should've focused on my marriage,  I focused on their marriage, which inevitably, would fail anyway. I am not blaming my parents divorce on my divorce at all- the choices my ex husband and I made were just that- they were our decisions, but the time that  I spent trying to help my parents- I should not have taken away from my own marriage. I see that now.  But I also see what God had in store even through all of that hurt and pain and for that I am thankful! But I still wonder if people today, especially young girls- are too much in love with the idea of being married and this fairytale wedding with this "happily ever after" ending. Think about it- ever since we are little girls we run around in our daddy's t-shirts pretending to be brides, we all dream of the day we will be a bride!

Every story we ever heard as little girls involves a prince with a princess in a fairytale world, and I think there are so many of us out there that are so in love with the idea of being married, but we are not in love with the men we marry. and THAT is a problem!!!

I do believe this highly effects the divorce rate, the way we raise our children, the way we handle conflict; we do not know the people we marry!
THIS is VERY SCARY!!!!

Its too late after we are married- its too late! Sometimes I wish I could open a marriage counseling center and seriously ask people to look at each other and tell each other exactly what they expect on their honeymoon night!  Is it what the other person wants? Cause if it's not-  let me tell you something- there are ways people want to be touched and ways people do NOT want to be touched, and guess what- if you get two people that are completely opposite in this area that do not know this until their honeymoon night- theres' gonna be a problem!

Affairs are a dime a dozen these days and I have an idea of why they're so easy to come by- think about it!  Picture a girl who loves to be touched married to a man who hates to touch! This woman is in need of touching by her husband- but that's just "not him".  Guess what? The hug she gets from someone at work- or the gentle handshake she receives from the man at the restaurant soon becomes a mindset that she was touched in a way she hasn't been touched in a while, and man did that feel good!  It opens the door to predators!  She becomes vulnerable and her husband has no idea he has just been replaced!  All it took was her husband lacking in the one area she needed it!

If our marriages are not blooming, our relationships are not on fire for God and not in line with His will,  we do not know the people we are marrying, and we are not in love with the person we married- what are we expecting? Are we expecting that kind of relationship to last a lifetime? When we haven't even taken 5 minutes to discuss what that life looks like?

By the time we have lived the rest of our life together, most of the time- God willing-  the time we spend married to each other will far outlive the amount of time we were single. What kind of life are you gonna have? Are you wasting time dating someone or being engaged to someone that only occupies your time, or is it only a companion because you fear being single forever, or only takes care of your kids and that's why you want to marry as a single mother?

The Bible tells us (1 Corinthians) that the only reason we should marry is because we can not resist the other sexually. That's it.  We shouldn't be able to hold back from the other person, and yet people are marrying because the other looks good, has money, or fame, or success- because they are potentially a good mother or father!  Are you in love with this person? Or are you in love with the idea of being married to them?

Folks one day the wedding guests will leave, the guestbook will be closed, the honeymoon night will be over, the house will be dirty, the car will be broken down. the billd will not be paid, the laundry will be piled high.  At that point in your marriage, are you going to be able to look at this person and say no matter what happens in our life, doesn't matter, because I know who I am in Christ- and I know who I am with you! And I love you more today no matter what this house looks like, and no matter how much money we have- more than the day I met you- more than the day I married you- more than the day we had $500,000 in retirement and now we have $1! Are you going to be able to say that to this person, because if not, let me save you a lifetime of regret- of pain and suffering and depression!  If you cant say that, it is not worth saying the two words on your wedding day- "I do!"

Do you take it seriously and are you taking it seriously? I do not regret the marriage I had with my ex husband- because of it I have been blessed with two children- and I love them more than I could ask or even imagine! But one thing I do wish- that I would've known then what I know now- but if I did, I fear I would not have the blessing of the two bodies that breathe in their beds tonight- in this house- tucked in sound asleep!

SO where are you?  Are you just dating?  Are you dating the right people? Can you be yourself? Can you be free?  You should feel so free right now- the world has nothing better to offer than what you have with this person.  The peace inside of you is so happy and joyful because there is nothing better than being with this person.  You should not be able to resist this person without the help of God Himself! My fear is for young girls to be where I am- that there is someone else out there that doesn't know what I know now- that  hasn't lived those regrets- I don't want that one regret for them! I don't want one more girl to know what it feels like on Christmas day when I have to give my kids up!  I don't want men and women out there to have to hear their children say, " I don't want to leave!" knowing that there's nothing I can do to change it.  I don't want them to have to deal with not being able to hold their children when they're sick, hug them when they have a fever, or be there to comfort them when they are sad! I don't want them to have to experience what these things feel like simply because it isn't their weekend! I don't want that for any other woman on this earth! If I can help to educate one person enough before they get married so them and their children don't have to experience it, I would give up any function on any day, anything I have to, in order to teach them life isn't just gonna be the way you planned and to make sure they have thought about the right questions- Have you thought about the questions that matter?  Even if you haven't thought about them before- it's never too late to answer them honestly for yourself before you are married! God has SO much more in store for you if you will only wait for God to speak! Is it Him you're hearing, or is it your own desire to live a fairytale that may or may not end in a "happily ever after"?

Instant Replay

Over and over in my life, I have always reverted back to the same sins.  I know that Satan knows our weaknesses, and for some time I allowed Satan to control my mind in to thinking that he was able to tempt me to the point of sinning again! And every time I committed that sin, I would ask for forgiveness and God would forgive me, but I always felt more shame each time I did it! I would excuse it by saying, "Satan has a grip on me, and he knows my weaknesses!"

I see so many people like this today in our society.  I had a conversation with a friend this past week that prompted me to write this blog.  The overwhelming passion in my heart can not be contained any longer!
Why do we keep doing the very thing we apologize for?  Why is it that we say we are sorry for something, and yet we keep doing it?  Does that show that we are truly sorry?  Would it be easy for you to forgive someone for seriously hurting you? Maybe once, maybe twice, maybe- as the Bible tells us ' A70 times 7- maybe.  But if we are real and honest with ourselves, would it build any love and trust between those two people?

This is my question to us all- If we believe that being saved from the wrath of God is reliant upon a "personal relationship" with Jesus Christ, which at least all protestants do- then why do we continue to repeat the same sins? I know you're going to answer, "because that's our sinful nature in us and that is Satan tempting us.." Is that really it, or has it grown to something deeper?  Could it be that we are excusing the very fact that we are more willing to ask forgiveness than we are to say I love my God enough to NOT do this?

Those of us who are saved could very easily say, "God has forgiven all my sins, the past AND the future sins."  Well, not only does that line up with the Catholic religion, but it also shows more about our "personal relationship" with God than it does about our religion!  Who of you would like to be cheated on?  Hopefully none!  How many of you after being cheated on would forgive your mate?  Hopefully all!  Would you continue to feel loved and cherished and wanted after the 20th time of that same person cheating?  Of course not!  So if our "relationship" with God is reflected as a "marriage", then what makes us think that committing the same sin over and over and asking for forgiveness is any different to God?

Do we really love God and want to please Him in our daily lives, or do we WANT to serve a God who LOVES US?  I'm afraid the majority of this country desires the latter!  Our country is full of churches and yet we have more missionaries coming here from other countries than this country has sending out!  Whats the problem with that?  The problem is that alot of our churches are tickling our ears to hear what we want to hear!  They are challenging the "church", the people of this nation to turn their backs on the TRUTH and focus only on the "good" things this world has to offer!  The bad thing about this is that this World was destined for death! Are the people left standing after Jesus returns going to be able to look around to one another and say, "Well, lets think about the good that is coming tommorrow'? NO- that will be the day of REALITY for such people! 

I wish there were more churches and more everyday-life Christians that would get out of this "I believe in a God who loves me, you should too" mentality and get into a "I serve a God who loves me enough to die the most painful death on a cross to save me from my own sin, you should too because He did it for you too.  No it isn't easy always going against the flow- and no I am not perfect, but when I fail, I ask for forgiveness and I repent! There are going to be sins evident in my life, and when there are- I love my God enough to STOP!" mentality!!!!!

Where have the sermons gone that sex before marriage is wrong, addiction is idolatry, drunkeness is wrong, cheating and adultery is wrong...?  Where have the convicting sermons gone?  I am part of my church because sometimes I am offended, but guess what- the TRUTH is offensive!  Offend me all day if it shows me the TRUTH!  In the end, we will ALL know and our knees will bow and our tongues confess that Jesus Christ is Lord- I am choosing to avoid the rush- are you?

Why ME?

Since the time I was 14, I have been called to women! I never had a ton of girlfriends my age, they have always been older girls and women.  I never could relate to anyone my age.  While other 14 year olds were going to the mall and meeting at the movies and friends' houses, I was either at youth group or alone at home in my room; I was searching for the answers to all the questions I had about what love is.  I was writing prayers out of shame and guilt or out of desperation to understand the depth of the one thing I could not dare to fathom- LOVE- that four letter word that I couldn't bare to talk about to anyone other than me!

As I grew in my understanding of love, my passion for other girls grew stronger! I started to ask the question which we have all pondered at one point or another- Why ME?  Why was it me that was raped? Why was it me that was alone in my room? Why was it me that everyone thought badly of? Why was it me that I could never do anything right? Why was it me that I couldn't tell the truth about what happened? Why was it me God chose to be raped? Why was it me God chose to save? Why was it my heart in which God was placing a passion for women? and why- oh why- would God think that He could use me?

My questions went on and on...some being answered and some not being answered to this day- but one certain thing God has taught me and that is this:

My calling isn't to understand WHY, my calling is to DO! I may never know why bad things happen to good people, or why the bad people often seem to be blessed beyond measure, but I do know that God uses each event and every soul to His Glory!  And with the events that have happened in my life, many of which I have not even shared on here yet, I KNOW that God can use them!  I have never been addicted to drugs, I have been around them, and been in some horrifying situations because of them, but I can not relate to the people and friends I have that have been found by friends and family foaming at the mouth from overdoses!  I can not relate to the people who have drunk parents who beat them, or who have no parents in the home.  I can not relate to the Athiest or to the Mormon, or the Buddhist- but I CAN relate to those people who have been raped.  I can explain to the parents of these children what that child may need or want from their parents.  I CAN relate with the girl who struggles with her self- image and her worth.  I CAN identify with a divorced mother single trying to make it in the world, and I CAN relate to the adult child who loses their identity when their parents divorce after 25 years of marriage.  I CAN also relate to the ones who have had miscarriages, loss of life, struggles physically, and emotionally. 

Not only CAN I relate with these people, but I WANT to be used by God, my God, to reach out to these people and pour out His love as an overflow of the love He has shown to me! For if I have all this in my life and yet do nothing with it, to advance His good work, what have I to be praised for by Him? He has helped and guided me through EACH and EVERY time I needed it, and mostly when I wanted it- He has forgiven me of the wrong I have done against Him- the least I can do for Him is to share this love and let it pour over into the world! 

A lady at church tonight was almost embarrassed because she felt like God was still teaching her things at 41 years old...I simply said, "Well, I hope we are always learning as long as we are here, because when He stops working on us, He calls us home with Him..."  She looked at me a little funny, and said, "yeah, I guess that's true."

I want to help young people.  I want to reach young girls.   I want to reach parents of young girls, and I want to be used by God to help this dying world of teenagers rise up to praise God and serve Him actively in their lives!  I want to help mothers thinking of abortion to either keep their babies or find adoptive parents for them.  I want to help the girl who gets pregnant as a teenager with no support at home.  I want to teach her how to take care of her body during pregnancy, and how to care for her baby after it is home.   I want to make a difference! There is a love to offer this world, but it won't be found at an abortion clinic, and sadly, too often, it isn't found in a counseling session! 

I hope that those of you reading this do not believe I think highly of myself.  It is quite the opposite...I do not have a life I would consider to be proud of- but I DO have a NAME I am proud of and I DO have a Father that we can share!  That may be all I have to offer this world, but it is enough to lead it to it's own salvation! 

Do you know anyone who needs any of this? If so, please send me their name or contact information.  I would love to be in touch with them, if even just to pray with them.  I want to have the opportunity to reach these girls.  I do not know exactly how, or the timing which God has planned, but  I am convinced God has a plan! I am also convinced I want to be a part of it!

Where are you?  Have you been addicted to anything, know what it feels like to be abandoned, abused, neglected, or persecuted?  What has God allowed to happen in your life that He is wanting to receive the Glory for? There are many different walks of life- mine is just ONE!  God wants to use you too and you don't have to have all answers- just a purpose! What is yours?

"Shotgun!"

Have you ever been driving down the street and you suddenly have to slam on your brakes? As you do, you glance in your rear view mirror to sadly see the driver behind you staring in their rear view mirror and it isn't for just a moment.  You KNOW they are not looking forward and you cringe as you await the huge bump from behind- or try to avoid the collision!

For a long time in my life, and every now and then to this day, I have been ashamed of my life.  I would dwell on the events in my life that in my opinion had "ruined" the rest of it!   I would have overwhelming pity parties that would only lead to self- destruction and most of the time, I would end up back in the same place because I was focused on what had happened to me, and I would crash once again!

In Jeremiah 29, God tells us that "He knows the plan He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future!"  Did you hear that last word?  Did you hear His plans were not to harm us?  This became a life memory verse for me that I carry in my mind and will until the day I return home to Him.  I rest in this assurance!

First of all, it told me I had a future, and not just any future, but one that didn't involve harm, and hope that I may actually prosper! To me, that promise coming from anyone would have meant the world, but coming from God's Word, was so comforting!  And His Word never returns void!

I realized that I had been driving down the road of life looking in my rear view mirror- and I was bound to CRASH and BURN! I could not continue the path I was on!  I either had to change my way, or look forward- or both! 

That's the point in my life I started to accept the forgiveness I had for myself and all the others who had hurt me physically and emotionally.  I realized that I was the one directing my path with my focus on the very thing that was going to lead me to death! I wanted something different! 

You know that feeling when you crash in a car? The driver you're riding with hits another car or an object with the front of the car you're in?  If not, be very thankful, but if so, you will know what I'm talking about!  When I was 17, and I had my broken leg, I actually hit 2 pedestrian children with my car!  They ran out from a line of parked cars and they were shorter than the cars they ran between and I could not have seen them...please don't judge me..lol. They were okay, but ever since then, I have a fear when I pass by a line of parked cars! I am always waiting for kids to pop out of somewhere! 

When we crash our own lives over and over and over again by going back to the same addiction, problem, mindset, attitude, or habit- we might as well have an ejection button because we are guaranteed to crash at least one more time! We need to stop driving our lives while always looking in the past! Be thoughtful of the past, learn from your mistakes, forgive those who have wronged you, forgive yourself, repent, and move on!  Sounds easy right? Not so much!  It has taken me 19 years to get where I am today since I was raped!  It has taken years of gradual grace from God to get me here- and He is not finished with me or I would be in His precious arms right now! In fact, over these 19 years, we have stopped the car, and HE has gotten in the driver seat and I just have to ride.  I do not turn around in the seat to watch the business behind us either!  Sometimes its easier to just drive, especially when I think the driver is going too slow- or I think the destination is incorrect...but when I ride in the passenger seat, I have no rear view mirror and when I am tempted to take a view of the past from the side mirror, I have a driver I can trust with the brake, and He is certain to get my attention when I need to look forward!

I challenge you to call "Shotgun" in the life God has delivered to you as a gift!  Relax, forgive the past, find a new destination, and enjoy the ride! You have a wonderful tour guide and a new future full of hope!

Stop, Drop, and Roll!..

I have been talking alot about my own past in my blogs, but today, I have things on my mind that are more observations than anything.  I too- am guilty of the very things I have observed, but I do wish there was a way for me to warn people about them before they happen...

Would you start a fire in the middle of your living room? More than likely, not- it would burn down the very possessions you worked so hard for!  Not only would you lose your own shelter, but you would lose those memories as well! 

Would you start a fire in the middle of your living room if it was in the fireplace?  Of course! At that point, the fire is enriching and will warm you for hours!  As long as you keep putting logs on, you could have a fire forever- a warm nice cozy fire to warm your face and your soul!

So why is that so many young girls and boys and teens and single people think that they are going to do anything other than destroy the things they have worked hard to preserve by having pre-marital sex?  Sure, sex is a beautiful thing when it is contained inside of a marriage, but when this world begins to accept pre-marital sex as a thing to play with- it destroys its own house with fire! 

I am one of those people who destroyed my own house by allowing the sparks of teenage years to build fires in my living room!  And it has not been easy building back a house from ashes! Thankfully I had the master Builder to give me some blueprints called a "New Creation".  I want those out there whose houses are "destroyed" by "fire" to know that there is Hope and their lives can be rebuilt to a GLORIOUS and PROSPEROUS and ABUNDANT LIFE!  It takes falling on your face before God and admitting you have been wrong, and/or that you have been wronged, and it also takes forgiving yourself as much as you forgive everyone else! 

Is your living room on fire?  Has your fire just started??  Stop it now!  Put the fire out today...do not let it spread- do not keep having sex outside of marriage!  I promise it will only make you miserable! 

I remember a piece of paper that an older man handed me on prom day while I was visiting a friend at her work... it read, "Don't let one moment of pleasure cost you a lifetime of regret".  I still have this exact paper in my journal to this day and I read it every now and then to remind me that the words Warren Buffet spoke are true..

"It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently." Warren Buffett

What will you do different today?

 

To move or not to move...

My senior year of high school, right after graduation, my parents told us that my dad was being transferred to Missouri with his career...again.  So this time, seeing as we were both practically legal adults, we were given the choice of whether or not we wanted to go with them. My sister was a definite NO.  She had a steady boyfriend, whom she is married to today. This choice I had to make on my own.

I wanted a new life- that was for certain.  But there were actually a few people in my life in Kentucky I did not want to let go.  One was my boyfriend- who wasn't my boyfriend anymore.  Others were people from church that had grown to be friends.  This was the longest I had ever lived anywhere and I was beginning to feel like I actaully had a home.  But family was everything to me- even if it wasn't always the happiest place for me to be.  I WAS TORN!

My parents told me they would pay for college if I moved with them, my sister said I could live with her in her apartment until I was able to support myself.  I had a job, paid for my own car- the situation was picture perfect for staying in Kentucky.  That's really what I wanted to do!

So I started praying and it ended up being more of a "pleading my case" to God Himself.  I would give Him all the reasons I thought He should tell me to stay- I NEVER felt content with those prayers, at all! Then  I came across Acts 1:8 in the Bible that read, "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.  But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." 

My initial thoughts were, "I wonder if I can forget I just saw that?"  Have you ever done that?  You know God is speaking to you directly, almost like the burning bush- and you want to say you didn't see it?  How could you have missed it, right? 

What got me in my heart was this: Jesus was speaking to the people in Jerusalem.  They were going to be witnesses FIRST in Jurusalem- which was the people closest to them such as family, neighbors, etc.  Then once they had witnessed to those closest to them, they would start to merge out- to the town, the cities, the countries, and eventually the "ends of the earth". 

When the "Bad Day" happened, my parents had virtually dropped us off at the doors of the church.  My sister and I hated it that our parents were hardly ever at church with us.  I wanted them in church... I saw families each week, three times a week, sitting together at church and I knew thats what I wanted.  Not just to be sitting there together, but to be living our lives with one common goal: Knowing God and making Him known."  My parents in my mind were my Jerusalem and I knew God was telling me to stay with my Jerusalem, so I decided to move to Missouri with them.

Mom and Dad moved that summer to MO.  I was attending UK at the time and had to wait until the end of the semester before I could move.  My sister and I flew to MO the day after Christmas and I stayed and she left after the holidays were over.  There I was.  I felt alone all over again.  I went to a local church and mom and dad attended for a short while until I got settled it seemed like.  Then I was alone...again.  I really do think depression sat in.  I mean, every night I wanted to be back in Kentucky.  I would sit at my computer in my room and cry as I chatted to friends back there.  I wanted to go back!  But I was 9 hours away and I knew God had told me to go- so I also knew I had to stay! So I did...

The more I felt depressed, the more I told God about it.  As I was cying in my room, I would almost blame God and ask why I had to move there if all my security in myself and my friends was in Kentucky.   I rememeber telling God, "I could've moved 10 minutes away- why did I have to come 9 hours?"

The longer I was there and the more I cried out to God, it started to seem okay to be there.  I still missed my friends and wanted to go back occassionally, but I was starting to feel at home in MO.  At night, I felt like it was just me and God.  Then it occured to me...I wasn't reading Scripture at the time it occured to me, in fact, I don't even remember what I was doing but the feelings and thoughts were overwhelming!  I am convinced it was the Holy Spirit! 

I suddenly had a knowledge I had not possessed before!  I realized that I had been relying on OTHERS' relationships with God to live my own relationship with God.  Thats why I was feeling so alone all the time.  Since I had been saved and become very involved in the youth group at age 14, I had grown up to be leader in the group.  I sang Praise and Worship with Clark Shuman, and some with Chris Rice.  (you may know him).  I participated in the Dove award nomination video for Chris Rice at Michael W. Smith's house in KY.  I had led people to Christ- and I LOVED every minute of all of it!  I was SOMEBODY to everyone else! 

I learned this day in my room in MO that I didn't need all those people I was missing in KY to have MY OWN relationship with God!  It was like I turned around in my room and God was standing right behind me with His arms wide open just waiting for me to notice He was there! It was so amazing!  And such a relief!  At that moment, I realized that it doesn't matter how far away we go from the place we may call "home"- our ultimate "home" is being alone with God in the quiet of our room!

I was finally home- I felt "not so distant" for the first time in about a year. 

To this day, if I ever feel distant or alone or afraid of doing something new, I always remember this. I don't want to get too comfortable anywhere because I want to be prepared to go to the next place God has for me.  I have to self examine myself and my heart to make sure I am not relying on anyone else or anyone else's plans or actions to dictate what my life looks like. 

Today, I will ask you ONE question- Would your relationship and your actions in your own life look the same way if the Godly people you admire today didn't show up? Just something to ponder...

Can you handle it?

"I won't do anything I can't handle!"  That was the last thing I told my parents right before I unsuccessfully attempted to down hill ski a double-black diamond hill at 3 am my third time skiing!  Yes, I was out of control at times!

We were "all night skiing" with our youth group one Friday night my senior year of high school.  My friend and I had been skiing together and she began challenging me.  She was a very impressive skiier and I- well- I was one of those people that go side to side at all costs to keep from going too fast!  :)

I was always up for a challenge and she seemed to be having more fun than I was- so we both decided to take the challenge together- we would start on the easiest hill and ski down and meet at the bottom.  If neither of us fell at all, we would advance to the next level hill.  If we fell at all, we had to re-do that level until we both didn't fall! Seemed fun right? I had gone to the table my parents were at in the logde and told them where I would be...my mom said, "Misty, don't you dare do that!" I said, "okay, Mom, I won't!" My dad looked at me with those eyes and knew I was lying.  he said, "well, Misty, now you're lying to your mother."  That's when I replied, "Okay, mom, I won't do anything I can't handle!" And I walked off...my dad's exact words as I walked off were, " Well, we will see her in an hour with a broken leg."  I'm glad he didn't say a broken neck!

It was definitely fun while it lasted- Until about 3 am!  We were just finishing with the black diamond and neither of us fell, so we were advancing to the double black diamond!  So we got on the ski lift and up we went.  At the top of the hill, there was this GIGANTIC SIGN that read, "FOR EXPERT SKIIERS ONLY: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS HILL IF YOU CAN NOT:

STOP SUDDENLY
AVOID TREES
LAND A JUMP
etc, etc, you get the point!

None of those could I do! But it made sense to go down- I mean- I had successfully completed the prior level, right?

WRONG! I made it through all the trees I had to avoid, and started down the hill...it is estimated on that hill that the average skiier is traveling approximately 50 mph at this point!  And I am bookin it...and I am loving the rush! I know I can't stop- there's no way.  So as I'm skiing, I am seeing all these little 8 year old kids skiing circles around me and I am seeing everyone in front of me drop off somewhere and dissapear!  "Where in the world are they going?"  With not much time before I would disappear myself, I had to make a fast decision, so I fell- on purpose.  I let my pride of finishing successfully fall to the realization that THIS WAS WAY MORE THAN I COULD HANDLE!  There was a significant jump ahead and I knew once I attempted it, if I attempted it, there was a very high chance of me dying that night! So, I gave up...I fell. 

Let me explain something...falling vertically going 50 mph on long sticks with no brakes is not easy! I had to lean to the side to fall, almost as if I tried to just sit down.  My bravery had ordered trick skiis at the time of rental- which, of course, are harder to come off so they can stay on more securely during tricks!  So as I fell, my right ski popped off my boot, but my left ski- DID NOT.  My body goes rolling down this hill at 50 mph and my leg is not turning at all.  When I come to a stop,  the pain is overwhelming.  I look down and my foot is turned completely to the left and my knee is completely to the right!  I was screaming so loudly that my dad and sister heard me from the ski lift above me about 100 ft in the air.  They didn't know it was me, they just said they rememeber saying to each other, "Man, that person is in alot of pain!" They had no idea!

It took 4 hours to get me off that hill because I had fallen just before the big jump and snow mobiles were unable to rescue from above the jump..so there I laid for 4 hours as paramedics came via ski lift to decide how to get me down.  They knew my leg was broken for sure, not knowing if the bone was showing.  They also didn't know if anything else was injured, so they put me on a straight board and zipped me up in a body bag to keep me warm.   I had been laying on snow for 4 hours and was beginning to go into shock.  So they brilliantly decide the best way to get me off the hill was to have 4 paramedics ski me down the hill holding me on a big blanket while they held me up by the corners of the blanket.  They skiied me head first down the hill and I will not forget thinking that if  I wasn't already dead, I was either going to die riding down the rest of the hill or my mom was going to kill me for doing something I knew I couldn't handle!  You can imagine my mom's response as she watched from the First Aid area as they skiied her daughter down in a zipped up body bag!  It was not good! Thankfully, that was one of the only trips my parents had chaperoned our entire time in youth group!

6 months, one surgery, and a metal rod in my leg later, I was back! Never would I be the same, but I was back!

Had I accomplished something? For sure...I found my threshhold for what I could handle...that was about it!  When I graduated High School at Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY, it was my first time walking on my own since the accident without crutches! 

For those few months, I had to rely on everyone else's hands and feet to serve me because I was unable to accomplish much of anything on my own!  The pain was tremendous and even it alone was way more than I could handle! 

I say all of that to say this:

My decision to go down that hill was a temptation...A temptation to do something I KNEW I couldn't handle! I chose to do it anyway! I could have decided NOT to attempt the most advanced hill that night, and God gave me a way out...my mom had just told me not to do it.  It was the last run of the night, and I wanted to be "bold"...so I did it anyway.  1 Corinthians 10:13 says this, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  but when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
Don't be mistaken- God can allow bad things to happen- and it doesn't mean he won't allow us to follow our own desires! He allows us to follow our own desires if we choose, but His Word tells us when he allows us to be tempted, He doesn't allow the temptation to be more than we can bear.  Once we make the decision to sin as a result of that temptation, I believe that is where we open the palette up for Satan to give us more pain than we can handle.  God still controls Satan, but at that point, we have given Satan a bit of power over us!  You see, being tempted is not the sin, acting on the temptation is the sin! Even Jesus was tempted to sin, but never did!

I was tempted that night we were skiing to disobey my mom.  I was given a perfect opportunity to escape, and I chose to boldy enter the "danger zone".  My pride took over and I wanted to prove myself, yet again, to everyone else!  I chose to give in to the temptation and I, as a result, was the one who ultimately had to pay for it through pain and guilt and my physical body never being the same!

What temptations are you facing? What are your struggles on this day? Is it smoking, drinking excessively, drugs, sexual desires before marriage, homosexuality, suicidal thoughts, pornography, sexting, or simply wanting what others have? Be encouraged!  WE are ALL tempted EVERY DAY!  But God has told us in His word as I mentioned above that- HE ALWAYS PROVIDES A WAY OUT!   I can promise there will be consequences when we claim to be able to "handle something" we were never meant to handle.  Avoid the consequences, and take the WAY OUT! No one said it was going to be easy, just said it would be worth it!  Brad used to tell us in youth group, "If you want to know what God's will is, look at what the world is doing- and do the complete opposite!"

Don't give into temptation today...stand up under it and take the WAY OUT! When we find ourselves in over our heads, and experiencing more than we can handle, rely on GOD to get us out!  Move to the eye of the storm- His comforting, calm hands, and rest.  For if we were always in something we could handle on our own, we wouldn't have such a NEED for GOD!

What will we gain from our 15 minutes of fame?

During my high school years, I tried coming out of my cupboard a time or two!  I tried to show the world that inwardly I was someone trying to escape from my own prison. I wanted the outside to look like the inside felt- and it didn't! 

Have you ever heard the expression from one person to the other, "Man, you look like I feel."? Well, that's how I felt most of the time.  I would see people surrounding me that looked the way I felt inside, and it was not how I looked to everyone else around me!- and I HATED IT!

So I began searching for worldly things that would show the world, and those closest to me, that I was different.  When I was 15, I was in the Miss Teen of Kentucky pageant.  It was my first pageant I had ever taken part in.  I won first place in my age group and third place for the entire competition! On the outside, everyone was so proud of me- just like I had wanted, but I was dissapointed to know that the success of the pageant didn't bring me joy!  I felt good about myself for a short time, but those feelings wore off. 

I have also always enjoyed singing- my entire life I have been singing everywhere I go! My sister used to get SO sick of hearing me sing...even the babysitters would have me sing to them and my sister would roll her eyes as if to hear me sing one more time was going to kill her! 

When I was a senior in high school, I was invited to audition for the BackStreet Boys' Millenium album.  I remember this very vividly.  We sat in a room at our school for hours and listened to one of the band members play "Perfect Fan" over and over and over again.  We had to claim a part- soprano, alto, tenor, or base- of course I chose Soprano.  We were given blank staff paper and told to write our part by listening to the piano!  (There is NO way I could do this now, just in case you are wondering;)) I succesffuly completed this task and was invited to record this song with them as a backup singer and I remain a voice on thier "Milennium" CD to this day.  I was also in two LIVE concerts at Rupp Arena in Lexington, KY as a backup singer on this song.  I remember the crowd, being on stage in front of thousands of people, the body guards who protected us on and off the stage... I remember the flashes from all the cameras.  I will never forget that feeling of fame! It was a moment in my life that everyone wishes they had, at least the not-so-shy people anyways!  ;) I was there, I had made it!  I had accomplished something that I felt people should be proud of- something that made me stand above the crowd instead of blending in or getting trampled on! And the fame lasted a brief moment and it too was gone. 

I was beginning to notice something- living the life I had wanted for a while to prove my worth- was here!  And it might have gained me some popularity in the world, but inwardly, I was nothing more to myself than I was in the quiet of my room when no one was looking. 

I came across this quote by the famous Vince Lombardi one day many many years ago as I was living this life I thought would satisfy my craving of victory...and this is what it says,

“After all the cheers have died down and the stadium is empty, after the headlines have been written, and after you are back in the quiet of your room and the championship ring has been placed on the dresser and after all the pomp and fanfare have faded, the enduring thing that is left is the dedication to doing with our lives the very best we can to make the world a better place in which to live.” Vince Lombardi

I know this isn't scripture by any means, but it hit home to me.  I mean, I could be as successful as this world allowed me, and I could stretch myself to the limits to fullfill my dreams of "success" and "fame" in this world, but eventually the concerts were over, the body guards went home, and the cameras stopped flashing- eventually I was alone again, waiting for the next bit of fame or attention to make me "feel" accepted.

I want every girl and boy- young and old- to know that we do not get our self- worth from being accepted by our peers, our boyfriends, girlfriends, teachers, pastors, youth ministers, enemies, our siblings, or even our parents!  We are no different because we look different or have a few extra pounds to lose or wear braces, or have a big nose.  No- we are given our self-worth by Our Creator Himself! The King of Kings- the Lord of Lords!   The Victory has been won- and the grave has been defeated!  There is a hymn that I love to sing- it goes like this,

I HEARD AN OLD,
OLD STORY
HOW A SAVIOUR CAME
FROM GLORY
HOW HE GAVE HIS LIFE
ON CALVARY
TO SAVE SOMEONE LIKE ME

I HEARD ABOUT
HIS GROANING,
OF HIS PRECIOUS BLOOD'S
ATONING
THEN I REPENTED
OF MY SIN
AND WON THE VICTORY

OH, VICTORY IN JESUS,
MY SAVIOUR FOREVER
HE SOUGHT ME
AND HE BOUGHT ME
WITH HIS REDEEMING BLOOD

HE LOVED ME
ERE I KNEW HIM
AND ALL MY LOVE
IS DUE HIM
HE PLUNGED ME TO VICTORY
BENEATH THE
CLEANSING BLOOD

I HEARD ABOUT HIS
HEALING,
OF HIS CLEANSING POW'R
REVEALING
HOW HE MADE THE LAME
TO WALK AGAIN
AND CAUSED THE
BLIND TO SEE

AND THEN I CRIED
"DEAR JESUS,
COME AND HEAL
MY BROKEN SPIRIT"
AND SOMEHOW JESUS
CAME AND BROUGHT
TO ME THE VICTORY

 Wow- I didn't have to chase the victory, and I didn't even have to try.  It wasn't anything I could work for and it surely wasn't something I deserved.  The victory was brought to me! No matter how victorious I became in the this world, it could NEVER compare to the victory I have in Christ!

I now understand the importance of the family name of belonging to God- a child of God.   I hold a royal position that every girl dreams of becoming!  It is making millions on television and dream worlds for little girls nationwide! It is a title every girl dreams of- but none of them will hardly attain- I am a daughter of THE KING-I am a Princess and I am more content with this title than ever being famous or accepted by this world because I know who gave me my name!  We can't be princes and princesses without a King as a Father! There is no higher position I could hold and there is no greater joy I could ever gain that could compare to the JOY of belonging to the ONE KING of the entire world!  That title doesn't go home, and that position never leaves the stage!  No one is taking pictures, and no one receives a championship ring!  What I have received is true contentment, joy, and an understanding of this world that is far beyond what this world has to offer! My Victory is in Jesus- and THAT my friends- is fame!

Excuse me for forgiving...

After I decided to forgive the man who raped me, I was able to begin living in a free state of mind with which I actually felt as if I could breathe. Even though I thought about my life being threatened constantly, I thought of the forgiveness more.  That is ultimately how I overcame the hate I had towards this man and the ones who threatened me.  It was not writing about it, crying about it, singing, painting, or anything else for that matter- it was forgiving him.  It was forgiving me! I do believe that the majority of people who are attacked, whether sexually or physically, at some point or another, blame themselves for being in the situation.  It isn't our fault! It becomes our fault when we are unable to forgive.  It took me years for my eyes to be opened to this!  Here is a prayer I wrote about 4 years ago,

"Father, you are a jealous God, and I want to please you in my relationships with men!  I want to be forgiving of the sin that arouses bad choices.  I don’t want to make you jealous, I don’t want a man to take your place!  Father, help me to understand the simpleness of love.  Time after time you have answered my prayers about teaching me love and I have only you to thank for my wisdom about Godly love.  Now, Father, teach me to forgive.  I don’t know which direction I am headed, but I do know one thing and that is I am only headed in your direction! I do not wish to follow my own path, for I know that I would fall and only demons would lead me on.  For if I follow Your will, I will surely fly with wings like eagles, and meet you in the heavenly realms!  I want to fly, I want to be free, to be real, to be loved, and to be in love with Your desires!" 

Over the years, many people have told me I am too forgiving, often times calling it naive!  I would argue that I am not naive- I fully comprehend the sin around me, I only choose to let it go.  I do not hold on to guilt, shame, hurt, or self-pity.  If someone wrongs me, I am able to forgive them not because I want to or think they deserve it, but because I know and have had the blessing of being forgiven even when I didn't deserve it!

I wrote the following piece not long after the divorce I went through which I will touch on later in my posts.  The "green" refers to having money.  I had prayed for a long time to understand love- I still pray to this day for God to reveal His love to me so that I may be able to show His love to others around me.  As I grew in His understanding of love, I also grew in my passion for a spouse.  I was a single mom of a boy (5) and a girl (4) when I wrote this...There are choices we make in life that will effect the rest of it!  This is what I wrote:

"There’s a longing inside that longs to be free.  Free to be loved, caressed, perhaps even persuaded.  I want to see the truth.  I want to feel the real in someone other than myself.  To be green or to be fulfilled.  To possess all, yet content in nothing, my soul will not comprehend.  One thing I will tolerate-submitting to one who submits to Almighty God.  To have standards I have a hard time attaining.  Being challenged in my walk with ABBA, Father, the King of Kings.  One that holds me accountable to the royal position I possess. 

Where shall he dwell?  Where is he now?  My mind shall not fathom those answers, for if I knew, I could not attain.  My heart needs molded, my tongue needs tamed, my life needs healed, and my heart to be guarded. 

At what point do I stop?  Stop the nonsense of trying to fulfill this man with men instead of the One Man who is also God Himself?  Why do we want this worldly imperfect love?  Why do we act as if His love is not enough? It is!  Love Himself is in love with us, yet we chase the dream of feeling loved!  With no need to chase, it chases us, we must only stop to allow it to retrieve the heart is so deeply desires to call His own!  We are constantly on our Lover’s mind, we are in His every thought, and HE has written us more love letters than we could ever fathom to understand the depth of His love!  Each time we read from His Word, it shows us another aspect of His Grace!  Not only does He know we are beautiful, but He touches us gently with His hand and His will so to reflect the heart of His Own!  He gives Himself unselfishly, knowing we will crave the attention He gives us, and hoping we will DESIRE TO KNOW HIM MORE!  To give that love on and on, because we feel the TRUTH of it!  With a love that TRUE and Noble, He knew we would want to share it, and so that is why we search this earth for the one we want to call “spouse”.  We crave the relationship of Christ with His bride.  We want to physically touch another the way Christ has touched our lives, and the gift of marriage is what God offers as the only comparison between Christ and His bride!  We are His people, and we want one person to call our own! Not to possess the other, or control our lives, but to share the love that has been so graciously given us through the blood of Christ Himself!"

What is it about our lives that we think God honestly can not handle? Do we assume He created these things called love and forgiveness and threw them to us like a grenade, and said, "Here, figure it out!"

NO- "He demonstrated His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) He gave us the ultimate example of what love is and what forgiveness entails! We all have all these questions and desires that sometimes make no sense, but we have forgotten that we have a love letter (and its the best I've ever read) in the mailbox!  Will you read the love letter God sent to you?  It's His Word and its real!  People on this Earth will dissapoint you and let you down, hurt you, and sometimes even portray to be someone they're not!  Don't be ashamed of being loved by the One who created Love itself!  Love Him back and Love Him boldly- it's a beautiful place to know you have the BEST lover of all time!  It definitely leaves NO ROOM for jealousy or room for regret!  Go on- release the fear of loving- let go- dive in- and be loved by Your Creator! He's the Best Lover you will ever have- and He promises a never ending relationship that ends in "Happily Ever After"!  Goodnight my royal siblings!

Don't use that- it's broken!

So some days I know what to write about before I start typing, and other nights, well- it doesn't come so easy.  Tonight is one of those nights it hasn't come so easy! I feel like I have so much to share that I don't have enough time to sit here and write it and you don't have enough time to sit here and read it!  So its a challenge sometimes to write only about one event or one emotion. 

If any of you reading this were involved in this next event- you will remember how much I truly LOVED this!  If you have never been on a mission trip- even in the States, down the street, around the corner, or to a third world country, I would highly recommend it!  I was 14, and I hadn't been a Christian long...I was still a baby in that sense- I needed guidance about 24 hours a day!  Maybe 25!  I had been so used to living a certain way that even the idea of changing wore me completely out- no one understood in my mind!  Who would want me knowing where I've been?  I'm not worth anything to anyone- what do I have to offer anyone?  Those were the thoughts I had of myself!

So I signed up to go on a local mission trip just to get out of the house.  I was beginning to love people again.  I still didn't trust many people- hardly any in fact- but I wanted this!  I wanted to go to McCreary County, KY.  It was 2 hours down a local major 6 lane road.  It was also the thrid poorest county in the nation.  We were going to help kids with VBS and to build homes.  This was my main expectation.  We were going to help people that needed help.  That was it. 

Well- God had more in store for me than I had EVER imagined! When we first got there, we were briefed by some leaders of an organization called CAP (Christian Appalachain Project) and they explained that we should respect these people we will be helping.  There may be bugs in the house- we shouldn't scream and say, "Ooooh!".  We shouldn't act surprised when we see things that may seem out of the ordinary for us.  We should love on them, and if we had questions or problems, we should ask our leaders in a discrete manner as to not offend the local people.  It was definitely a different society! 

I will never forget walking up to the door of the first house- and I fell slap through the floor beneath me! The wood had wrotted out and it was not stable at all!  After I try not to act surprised, we go inside and we look around.  There are chickens running through the house- literally THROUGH the house- in the front and out the back because the only doors that were on the house did not close.  The entire house had dirt floors and as far as I could see, I did not see ONE BED, ONE piece of furniture, nothing.  They had no running water and no electricty.  They grew their own gardens so they could eat.  The little kids didn't have shoes on thier feet and one little boy even had a huge scar from the base of his neck straight down his chest to about his belly button. I was sitting next to him when Brad asked him, "hey man, what happened to your chest? Did you have to have surgery?" The kid may have been five years old- and he replied, "Oh no- see that rooster over there- he got me." and he ran off like it was nothing.  Brad and I looked at each other in amazement like- Holy cow- why is it still alive?  But these fighting roosters were all they had as a means for survival! They must have had 20 of them tied to barrels in the yard. 

Another family had 11 children and their house has burned down so they moved into their childrens' treehouse.  Literally!  It was so amazing to see how much work they had completed on this tree house!  They had built two stories out of wood from fallen trees!  There was no roof and no stairs to the second floor- so we were able to build on to it for them!  They too- had no electricity or running water.  Remember- this is 2 hours down the road from where I lived daily in my comfortable house each day!

There was another family who lived in a burnt down school bus in the middle of the field. 

This small one week trip changed my ENTIRE LIFE! I noticed something about these people- they first of all, had nothing!  No clothes on their backs, no shoes on their feet, no food to feed thier families except what they had grown.  They didn't even have a place I would have considered a home! But I was SO jealous of them! Yes- I said it!  I looked at these families, and I envied them!  I wanted what they had!  I had all the riches in the world compared to them- I had the things to be jealous of- the bed, the home, the heat, the clothes, shower, covers at night, school, shoes, all of it!  And in my eyes, they had it all!  They had contentment.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't buy what they had! They had nothing and they were so content with each other! I had everything and was content with nothing!

This is when God really began to work on my heart!  He taught me humbleness in a tangible way and he showed me love not through a boyfriend or a parent- but through watching a family truly love each other even in the depths of poverty.  That first trip opened my eyes to what acceptance really is.  It made me realize that it didn't matter what everyone else thought of me- or even what I thought of myself.  My life belongs to God and it is His position that gives me my name.  I was no different in God's eyes than those families that were standing in my presence!  We were all the same for a moment- and I loved it!  I wanted to strip everything I had from me and start over.  I wanted to be where they were- but I had to come back home to reality.  I came back to a cupboard of my daily life.  My reality set in again, and I had to go back to my normal routine of never being good enough! 

Each summer, I looked so forward to this mission trip because not only did we get the chance to help thoe families in a physical way, but it was the one time each year that I grew to feel like I was one step closer to knowing what it was like to live with God.  God was beginning to use me and my life to bring people to Himself. 

One little girl broke my heart.  I asked her one day, "Do you know who Jesus is?"  this was her reply, "Does He live here in McCreary county, because if he does, I probably know him."  That little girl's name was Kristy.  Thats all I remember.  She came to know Jesus over the years as her personal Lord and Savior!  I began to see God working through me- and it was amazing to me that God was not only capable, but also willing to use such a broken vessel such as myself!

As the years passed, God taught me that it is the broken vessels He works best through because of just that- we are broken!  When our bodies and hearts do things that we are not "able" to do on our own, it is God who gets ALL the Glory because everyone knows we couldn't have done it alone! So each year I kept returning and each year, I joined God in His work.  Little did I know- He was working on me as much as He was working through me!

I am forever thankful for those years-and I think about them still- sometimes I feel so broken- like I'm not good enough- or I have messed my life up so much that God has no interest in someone like me! Well- I now believe it is the total opposite!  We serve a God that will leave 99 sheep and risk losing them to chase after the ONE that has wandered away! I was that one!  And He used events like this to draw me to HImself in a way that would humble me and bring me closer to Him.  Are you that one today?  Because if you are- you don't have to run to Him and you can't run from Him forever!  All you have to do is turn around and acknowledge He's there- because He is always right there behind us!  It is us who turns our back on Him...the great news is His love abounds more than our sin ever thought of existing!

I honestly believe that the people on this Earth that have experienced God's forgiveness are able to live in contentment! We may not always be happy in this world or have everything we want or think we need- but there is a constant love and there is a way to be content- even through the rough stuff!  How will God use you today- even as you are broken?

Drop your fruit!

This morning at church, our Pastor reminded me of a story that my dad told me long ago.  You see, my dad lived in Guana, Africa for 5 years of the younger years of his life.  He used to always tell us about the stories he remembers...and I LOVED to hear them!  I still do to this day! 

I know for me as a teenager, as soon as something "felt good to me", like I was being accepted, or someone was willing to be my friend, I automatically and immediately clung to them because that's what felt right.  I knew I NEEDED to cling to something, and for that time, it felt like that's what I needed!  So I held on as tight as I could to the warmth of the acceptance and I embraced the comfort of a falsified love that would never go beyond the surface!

The story I was reminded of this morning was the story of the monkey.  If you watch monkeys and are ever interested in catching a wild monkey, it is very easy.  ( I know you're all thinking you may catch one in your local backyard.... lol) All you have to do is put a small piece of fruit in a jar with an opening only big enough for the monkey to get it's flat hand in and out of and chain it tightly to a grounded tree.  Once it grabs hold of the fruit, it's hand can no longer fit through the opening.  The monkey now has a fist full of fruit that it can not get out of the jar.  That monkey will sit there holding that fruit and possibly sacrifice it's entire being just because it is not willing to let go of the fruit.  All it would have to do is drop what's in its hand, and it would be free.  but the monkey WILL NOT drop the fruit in order to save its own life! 

This is SO true of all of us- me especially at a younger age!  I was clinging and grasping and holding onto anything and everything that seemed to be so satisfying- so rewarding- so fresh and sweet- but it was a trap!  It was costing me my entire life of JOY and knowledge because I wasn't willing to let it go.  All I had to do was GIVE UP.  If I would have opened my hands, my heart, and my life and let the "satisfying wants of this world" go that I whole-heartedly thought I "needed", it would be then that I would be freed!  Freed from all the guilt, the shame, the pain, and the hurt. My self- image was in that jar and I wasn't letting go! 

Years later I dropped the fruit and ran!  I ran to my freedom and it was the Cross! I didn't have to cling to anything when I got there either, there was someone there clinging to me- and His name was Jesus!  He took me just as I was!  He took the things out of my hands that I had been clinging onto and filled my heart with His own Spirit and Joy and Contentment! What I didn't realize was what Pastor Les explained this morning-

"When we cling to the things of this world- we are chained to this world!" Whether those things we cling to are money, fame, acceptance, popularity, sexual desires, drugs, pornography, homosexuality, unforgiveness, greed, bitterness, lust, anything- they all chain us to this world because we are clinging to them in this jar we call life that is chained to the world! The amazing thing is that we all have the choice to let go- but will we let go of what we think we "want" to have that which we truly "need"?

If you could do over, would you?

I took a night off from the blog last night because there were tornadoes surrounding our entire state.  Apparently everyone thought my house was one of the safest, so my house was the safe haven!  I love it!  Would have a house full of people every day if I could afford to feed them....;)

So tonight,  I went to see "The Vow". It's a movie about a happily married couple that's in a severe car accident and the wife no longer remembers her husband after the incident.  The movie is about her husband's journey to making his wife fall in love with him again!  I really enjoyed this movie because parts of it reminded me of my own life. 

It reminded me that first of all- life is short!  Our lives are summed up in a dash!  The dash in between two dates on our tombstones.  We all will have one.  The dates on each tombstone are all different, but the dashes- they're all the same.  We are given one life, sometimes multiple chances at that life, but only one life. 

It was amazing to me to watch her in this movie.  It was interesting how she reverted back to her old way of life before she forgot who she was.  She "tried" living that life again- thinking that's who she was...but she ended up living out her life the EXACT way she chose originally- before the accident. 

It's ironic to think about this for me.  Without the "life- changing" events in our lives, would we be where we are today? What if we had to choose all over again the life which we currently live? Would we choose it? 

What if God gave each of us a blank palette and said, "Paint your life the way you want it.  You can place any event in there, any riches, any fame, anything!  You choose- but I can not guarantee that your choices will lead you the same place I have." If God painted my life abstractly, would I change it to realistic- or vice versa?

After pondering on this idea of total control- which we all think we want, I have concluded that I would choose to hand the blank palette back and say, "Paint an EXACT REPLICA of what you have already done.  Do NOT leave out the part where I died, the rape, the divorce, the miscarriage, the tears, the hurt, the pain, the suffering...in fact- take those same events and not only paint them on here, but help me to learn more from them so that this paint drips off onto someone else's palette who needs color.  Bring it to life!"

At the end of the day, we are clay.  We are the clay that God molds into the image He chooses.  We are His sculptures- and it is Him who brings us to life! Are you alive? Or have you become a nothing living in regret and shame and self- pity?  Some of the most beautiful pieces of art are created by the scraps- and ALL of our lives have scraps!  God tells us that we are a new creation when we allow the Holy Spirit to live in us.  He uses the scraps of what we call our own life and he molds it!  He sculptures it, He loves it, He cares for it.  He paints each creation and calls it His own.  He works on it so long and hard that eventually it begins to look like Him. 

That is why I wouldn't change "my dash".  I want people when I am gone to look at that dash and see no regret, no shame, no self- pity.  I want them to look at that dash and see Christ- to see that I relied on God to make the most of my timeline.  That I was never perfect, nor ever claimed to be, and actaully failed miserably most of the time, but that is was God who's Glory was shown through this life. 

So although I may not remember my few years here on this Earth the way others do, and I may need to be reminded sometimes of events that happened in my life-  I will ALWAYS trust that God in control- and rest in the fact that I can mess my entire life up, but I will always revert back to the person He chose for me to be!  I think I will choose to let Him lead me so I don't waste time in my dash just to end up where I should have been all along! 

Want a rainbow today?

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, No pain- no gain...  life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it! These are all great things to ponder!

I felt like I was living a double life!  At school, I was perceived as this girl who was available for anything guys wished for. At home, I was guilty and ashamed, but at church- I WAS ALIVE! It was like it was raining all day every day and I got to see a beautiful rainbow every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night!   The only thing that got me through those rainy days was to know how beautiful the rainbow was going to be!

I won't forget my boyfriend through High School.  He was from South Africa and he told me over and over how much of an "All-American" girl I was.  That when they were living in South Africa, there was a stereo-type that everyone had of an American Girl.  He said I fit that image to a tee! I used to love hearing that.  To me, that was a huge rainbow because it was just about the only thing I heard from someone my age that meant  I was something more than what was expected. 

People tell me I am so "mature for my age".  Well, thanks for calling me young- that's starting to sound better and better each year!  But I will say maturity doesn't come without hardship.  You find me an 18 year old that respects their parents, chooses to prioritize their life, confides in God, and is humble- and I will show you someone who has dealt with a little rain. 

On the flip side, you show me an arrogant teenager, expecting the world to hand them all their desires because they think they deserve them, disrespects their parents, has a temper, and flaunts every good thing about themselves- and I will show you a cloud that will never produce a rainbow! It will remain dull forever and light will not reflect. 

You see, the reason a rainbow shows color is because it is a reflection of the sun's lightrays beaming off of the water.  Without the sun, there is no rainbow because there is no light- only gloom.  Its the same way with our lives.  If there is no SON, Jesus, to reflect light off of our rainy days, we are living in gloom.  The days will remain dark and gloomy...the rain clouds will hover over us like Eeyore, and we will live in a dark world of self- pity and shame.  BUT, when we let the SON shine His love on us, it doesn't just shine on us, it shines through us and we become a beautiful rainbow of His own reflection- and people see Christ and His love through our rain! 

So when we have bad days, those rainy days - the ones with alot of pain and hardship, search for the lightsource!  Seek Jesus, the light, and before long, you will see a rainbow!